Dr. Eric Vornoff
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Controversial Russian renowned scientist (1887-1955) who, after being forced to leave his wife and son in 1935 and go into hiding, built a secret laboratory and threatened to create a new race of atomic supermen that would conquer the world before being thwarted by a group of local policemen accompanied by a female journalist. Soon after, he was tragically eaten alive by his own pet octopus, Budster.
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[edit] Biography and Career Highlights
Though born to aristocratic parents in Odessa, Vornoff became an orphan at the age of 8 when his parents tragically drowned during a caviar-harvesting expedition. In and out of various orphanages and foster homes for the next 10 years, Vornoff became paranoid and antisocial, even while excelling in scientific pursuits. After graduating from the Tsar Alaksandr University in 1907, Vornoff spent several years in Hungary, researching a means of increasing the incomprehensibility of his own already-thick East-European accent. However, after meeting French scientist Marie "The Hollywood Madame" Curie in 1910, Vornoff decided to direct his research toward the use of gamma rays and atomic radiation to produce terrifyingly cheap special effects.
Returning to Russia in 1913 to take a position on the faculty of Kiev Kommunity Kollege, Vornoff unfortunately became a victim of the turmoil surrounding the overthrow of Czar Nicholas II and the ensuing communist takeover. Practically the entire faculty was purged by the Leninists, and Vornoff spent 2 years on the Gulag Wine and Cheese Party Circuit before being released in 1921 after agreeing to work only for food. Returning to Kiev, Vornoff quickly married his childhood sweetheart, Octopussiya Galoribushka, and within a year the couple had a son, Dubya.
Honored as a genius by the Soviet Institute of Sanity-Challenged Scientists, Vornoff's reputation grew steadily during the 1920's. After Stalin's consolidation of power late in the decade, however, he became increasingly discontented with the direction of the science program, which at that time was focused primarily on increasing crop yields via black magic, fantasy weapons development, and improved oppression technology. After being classed as a "madman" and a "charlatan" by Institute Director Vladimir Strowski, Vornoff was threatened with arrest, after which he would be subjected to a show trial, followed by a date with a showgirl, and possibly a lap dance. Unwilling to face the prospect of a second disgrace, Vornoff abandoned his family and fled the country for Disneyland, eventually settling in Forsaken Jungle Hell, Iowa.
[edit] Scientific Achievements
Once freed of the constraints of Soviet oppression, Vornoff entered into a period of remarkable productivity. Between 1935 and his controversial death 20 years later, Vornoff developed a long series of inventions, chemical formulae, and delicious snack recipes:
- Vornoff's Milk of Mutation™
- Human growth hormones
- Microsoft Bob
- Crumpets
- Invisible Ray Gun
- Visible Ray Charles
- Ronald Reagan
- Soft-Shell Tacos
- Mad Magazine
- Professional Wrestling
- Atomic Supermen™ Action Figures (collect entire race!)
[edit] Circumstances Surrounding Grisly, Horrifying Death
While the precise series of events leading up to Vornoff's death may never be fully known, it is generally accepted that the tragedy was precipitated by a "social visit" to Vornoff's Forsaken Jungle Hell home by police lieutenant Dick Craig, New York Times reporter Janet Lawton, author Tom Robbins, and Strowski, the latter having been sent to Iowa by new Soviet Premier Nikolai Bulganin to recapture Vornoff and take him back to the Motherland and his family, where all was to be forgiven. Refusing to trust Strowski, however, Vornoff instructed his personal assistant and chauffeur Leo "Rio" Lobo to take him to the "auto-bus rank", since he had never learned the American vernacular and his laboratory was on the local route. Unfortunately, Lobo was both mute and hearing-impaired, and misinterpreted Vornoff's heavily-accented words as "take him to the octopus tank," where the club-footed Strowski slipped, fell in, and was eaten.
While facts are sketchy, it is believed that Vornoff then became paranoid and attempted to cover up his role in the incident by abducting the other three visitors, subjecting Craig and Robbins to atomic growth treatments, and attempting to convince Lawton to become Lobo's common-law wife and appear on the Jerry Springer Show as a means of obtaining a much-needed infusion of cash for his experiments. While initially interested in the idea because of her strong sexual attraction to Lobo, Lawton ultimately refused, leading Vornoff to order Lobo to remove her pituitary gland for use in his human growth hormone production facility. Rather than comply, however, Lobo was said to have taken pity on Lawton, for whom he may have developed reciprocal feelings.
In any case, Lobo allegedly escorted Vornoff, by force, to the swampy area behind the house. What happened after this remains a mystery, but the end result was that Vornoff fell, or was pushed, into a nearby pond — the same pond that served as Budster's Outdoor Cephalopod Feeding Area. After a horrifying struggle with his own now-enraged octopus, Vornoff was mauled and eaten, without even the benefit of soy sauce or freshly-ground pepper. Shortly thereafter, Lobo was shot and killed by Craig while trying to escape in Vornoff's John Deere 4300 Farm Tractor.
[edit] The Aftermath
Though Lawton and Craig were quickly cleared of all charges, suspicion soon fell on Robbins after it was revealed that he and Vornoff had collaborated on a novel, Still Life With Atomic Superwoodpecker, and had written part of a second, Even Atomic Supermen Get the Blues. Vornoff would have been entitled to half the royalties on both titles, but with Vornoff dead, Robbins stood to receive the entire publisher's cash advance and all royalties in perpetuity, as well as a great deal of notoriety among stoned college students. After lengthy questioning, Robbins was charged with conspiracy to commit plagiarism and two counts of feeding an octopus without a license. But after a short trial for which his attorney, Johnny Cochran, had developed an effective "sound-bite" defense, all charges against him were dropped.
After the incident, crime-scene investigators processing Vornoff's home for evidence discovered a secret entrance leading to a room in which Vornoff had imprisoned nearly a dozen men, including recently-missing local Iowans Clark Kent, Bruce Banner, Glenn Manning, Benjamin Grimm, and Jim Kirk. (A Japanese tourist was also rescued who claimed the unlikely name of Tetsujin Twentyeightgo.) Though all of the prisoners were surprisingly strong despite their ordeal, and exhibited several other unusual physical characteristics, no legal grounds could be found for holding them and all were released. Little is known about what later happened to them or their current whereabouts.
Finally, after a successful week-long protest by members of PETA and The Cephalopod Coalition, Budster the octopus was allowed to spend the remainder of his years in a newly-installed garden aquarium in Des Moines, where he continues to thrive today, thrashing about, watching Pro Football, and eating Rice Krispies. (And, occasionally, tourists.)
