Dr. N. Toleránt's Informative Letter: An Informative Letter
- Dear McDoodlesworth,
- I always wanted to be a journalist, you know? I always wanted to travel the world and do stories about dying black children with cleft lips and legless Indian women. However, I chose a different profession, but I must admit I have since seen dying black children with cleft lips. No legless Indian women yet.
- I am quite fond of your publication, The New England Journal of Medicine, and am an avid reader. I especially enjoy the column about elbow fetishism.
- In response to your query as to my knowledge on obese and little people, I recognize the importance in being objective as possible in my approach and explanation, which is attached.
- Dr. N. Toleránt
Little people and fatasses are unfortunate groups of people. One is wide, the other is short. Though I am objective in my approach, I must say that if I were a fatass or a little person, I would probably shoot myself without hesitation.
A little person is a person who is very little. In medical terms, a little person is an individual afflicted with dwarfism (under 4'10", 147cm in height). Another term for this is "vertically challenged". Dwarfism varies in its severity. Some little people have normal-sized hands, but the rest of them is tiny. Some midgets have normal-sized heads. If you've ever seen midget porn, you may know that some have normal-sized penises as well. But the rest of them is tiny. Though they are commonly known as dwarves, midgets, elves, shortstacks, and Ewoks, they prefer to be called the politically correct term munchkins. It is also worth noting that the term is "little people", not "people who are little" as it is important to identify them as little before identifying them as people.
"Fatass" is the medical classification given to individuals whose bodies possess a high body mass index and/or are clinically obese. It is a compound word of the word "fat", from the Old English fættian, meaning stuffed, and the word "ass", which is from the Proto-Indo-European  orse ("backside, buttocks, butt"). It refers to the identifiable abundance of adipose tissue on a fatass' buttocks. It should be noted that "fatass" and "fat ass" are two separate terms, though a fatass usually does have a fat ass, except in pathological cases. Statistics indicate that nearly one in three American adults are fatasses. Causes include overeating and laziness, and the condition of being a fatass is curable with physical exercise, dieting, surgery, and self-immolation.
Though munchkins take the disease of dwarfism very seriously, the rest of us normal people, as is expected, find midgets to be absolutely adorable. Their cheeks are so pinchable, and they're like children except they have pubic hair and adult teeth. Midgets are also terribly humorous, particularly when they try to do normal things. Because the world is naturally designed for fully grown people, munchkins have incredible difficulty opening doors, using countertops, reaching the middle shelf at the grocery store, and driving.
It is proper etiquette to use midgets as elbow rests, ash trays, coat racks, and scratching posts (for your cat, of course). They also make ideal pets themselves, though that may qualify for a career for the little munchkin. Speaking of which...
Understandably, little people have a natural advantage in certain careers. Circuses always have positions open for little people to appear in their freak shows. To go the extra mile, some even glue a horn to the middle of their head and advertise themselves as "The Unicorned Midget", or they paste a beard to their face to entertain as "The Bearded Munchkin".
Christmas also offers seasonal job opportunities for midgets, since there is always a need for elves to assist Mall Santas. They're just so cute in their little green suits with their pointy ears and freakish bodies.
Midgets are commonly barred from other forms of employment due to their short stature. In some jobs, such as playing basketball professionally, midgets face a glass ceiling. Of course, the glass ceiling is lower than a normal ceiling, because midgets are short. In fact, the ceiling probably has holes in it the normal people can look up through, or climb through. But it's still too high for the midgets.
In general, little people are commonly discriminated against and looked down upon by taller and more normal people of society. There are those who insist on punting little people because they fly long distances if done so, or using them as piñatas. These are, of course, very fun activities, and it is okay to do them so long as you don't get caught.
Medically, nearly all fatasses possess easily identifiable characteristics which include but are not limited to multiple chins, overlapping flesh, cankles, and mantits.
Multiple chins, as the World Health Organization defines them, are, "the presence of chin upon chin which are the result of a fusion of natural neck fat and chin fat, and in some cases, chest fat; usu. caused by an abundance of fatness." Multiple chins are not only anatomically uncomfortable, but horribly grotesque in appearance, particularly in motion. A Stanford study reports that instances of jiggling multiple chins often cause feelings of repulsion, fear, confusion, hatred, and thoughts of homicide, suicide, and infanticide in onlookers.
Overlapping flesh includes areas such as lovehandles and stomachs. The American Medical Dictionary refers to the condition of overlapping stomachs in males as "dicky-dos", which is essentially the inability to see the penis looking downward due to the outward protrusion of the gut. These are also physically uncomfortable, and have been known to cause back pain. In the past, girdles were popular for aesthetic relief, but have since been phased out by more permanent solutions.
Cankles (a portmanteau of "calves" and "ankles") are similar to multiple chins, in that they are a fusion of the calf and ankle. The two are indistinguishable and seamless.
Mantits (a portmanteau of "man" and "tits") are large, droopy breasts of adipose tissue (not mammary tissue) found on males. Despite common belief, they cannot produce milk or smoothies. Bras are available to relieve some of the pain often caused by the slapping of the mantits on one's chest, which can break ribs.
A quick medical guide to determining whether one is a "fatass" is often used by professionals:
- More chins than a Chinese phone book.
- If male, fits into a B cup size. If female, breasts appear to be large, fat blobs.
- Presence of any of three of the following: tree trunk legs, cankles, mantits/bitchtits, dicky-do, chipmunk cheeks.
- Characterizes self as "big-boned"/denies severity of fatness/is delusional to believing they are attractive.
Failure to meet more than two of the descriptions usually indicates that the patient is not a fatass, but some other classification such as fatshit, fatfuck, or lardass.
It is recognized that fatassness is a disease, like AIDS, but is a choice, like being a homosexual, and is not a genetic deformity, like blackness or dwarfism. Yet there is a "cure" in a transgressive sense of the term. As mentioned earlier, exercise, surgery, bulimia, and a healthy diet can all, in themselves, repair the destruction already caused by overeating, laziness, and
The physical condition of being a fatass usually encompasses emotional trauma from youth years. In the field of psychology, those identified as a "fatass" often possess a feigned construct of themselves. This is particularly common in women who mistakenly believe that they are attractive, as often demonstrated in their attire which usually contains t-shirts which are too small and read, "Little Hottie", "2 Hot 4 U", or any other similar false advertisement.
In addition, they may also possess a thick wall of denial. This is exemplified in the common excuse that they are "big-boned", or that their condition is hereditary (since everyone knows that being a fatass, like being a homosexual, is a choice).
Sigmund Freud recalled a clinical session so paramount that he thought to include it in a few of his works. In it, he is treating a patient who suffers from emotional trauma and is medically classified as a fatass:
- FATASS: Back in grade school, I remember being teased a lot. I was laughed at, called a fatshit, a fatfuck, a chunkmonkey...
- FREUD: Clearly you're none of those. You're a fatass.
- FATASS: What?!
- FREUD: Have you ever tried cocaine?
It should be noted that the patient (whose name still cannot be released due to confidentiality) did commit suicide to the delight of Freud, who, at attending his patient's funeral stated:
|FAIL| Tom Svein was my first patient who had a weight problem. I recall his anxiety and sensitivity. He confided in me that he had been improperly identified by several of his schoolmates during his youth as a fatshit, a fatfuck, and a chunkmonkey. It is probably clear to all that he is, indeed, a fatass, and not to be mistaken for anything else. During the anal stage of his development...||FAIL|
Numerous support groups exist. A type of "fatass pride" has emerged in the collective thoughts of fatasses which is, surprisingly, not delusional. The Gay Bear Community and "chubby chasers" are examples of this.
Whether or not the lifestyle of a fatass is something to be endorsed is a matter of personal opinion. While the health risks of obesity are well-known, there exists argumentation on the contrary. For instance, the claims that there is "more cushion for the pushin'" and "more meat for the heat", etc. A common rebuttal to these claims from the medical community is that sexual intercourse ought to be avoided due to the increased risk of crushed pelvises, suffocation, heart attack, and spontaneous combustion.
Nonetheless, support groups claim that playing with mantits, crushing people, and having one's own gravitational pull are plenty of fun which help to sustain the mind and maintain longevity. Fatasses (and all fat people in general) are recognized to have a decreased risk of anorexia, are more likely to survive high falls, and are less likely to be killed if struck by a motor vehicle. Yet again, they are in more high-risk categories for disease than smokers or non-immunized African children with cleft lips.
- Which is actually abbreviated to PIE in etymology dictionaries.
- The infanticide was only found in the witnessing of a fat infant.
- Like, uhh...LOSING FUCKING WEIGHT.