Drag Racing

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“Just stare straight into the sky, you'll get more excitement”

~ Oscar Wilde on Drag Racing

Drag racing refers to two different sports. In America, it is a sport in which several transvestites, or drag queens, run around a track in flamboyant costumes. This sport also exists in England, though there it is called "Cricket." In England, the term "Drag racing" refers to a racing event in which cars race around a race track at high speeds, dragging several people behind them.

American Drag Racing[edit]

The races are usually fairly short, and consist of two parts: the race, and the fashion assessment. The fashion assesment comes first, in which the participating gays show their outfit choices to a panel of straight men, and whichever outfit causes them the most discomfort wins. Then, the transvestites line up at the starting line, a gun is fired, and they begin running a straight, 100 meter dash. Midway through, they pull over to the side of the track where a crew washes them, changes their shoes, and makes sure their bras aren't too tight. They then continue their running, and upon nearing the finish line they deploy a parachute to slow themselves down (the sight of a ref in tight shorts often causes them to speed up beyond control).

British Drag Racing[edit]

British drag racing is entirely different. In the British version of the sport, large automobiles race in a straight line for several hundred yards, all the while dragging anywhere between 4 to 19 people on the tar behind them. Very few people actually participate in this sport, and usually, one race is held every 19 years or so. It originally consisted of two cars driving in a straight line, with nobody tied behind them, but people found this incredibly boring. "Why should we watch a sport in which nobody is being tortured or injured in any way?" said an incredulous critic in reference to the uninteresting sport, "Unless someone is being put through serious agony, it isn't entertainment." This prompted a new rule that stated that that each driver would tie seven or eight naked people behind his car, and drag them down the track. This rule resulted in an immediate increase in the popularity of the sport, despite the fact drag racing was voted the best sport ever to last 4 seconds.

Drag Racing Drivers[edit]

Drivers that participate in Drag Racing have no skill what so ever. In fact, many don't even have a driver's license, as evidenced by their inability to drive in a straight line without crashing.

In drag racing there are two things drivers need to know: Hold the wheel straight and floor it, although many drivers confuse these regulations (they wear very tight helmets) and end up flooring it without holding the wheel, which usually results in large, fiery explosions, or holding the wheel without flooring it, which usually results in them embarassingly sitting at the starting line, not moving at all, until they notice that they haven't moved (usally a day or two after the race is over).

Other Motorsports[edit]