Drew Carey
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“Nobody keeps track of the score and Cleveland sucks!”
~ Oscar Wilde on Cleveland
“The Cavs don't suck.”
~ Lebron James on Oscar Wilde on Cleveland
“The Cavs lost the Eastern Confrence Finals to the Magic! So yes, they suck.”
~ Anyone who lives in Orlando on Lebron James on Oscar Wilde on Cleveland
“Yeah, but now we have Shaq. So shut up.”
~ Anyone who lives in Cleveland on anyone who lives in Orlando on Lebron James on Oscar Wilde on Cleveland
“What the hell is a "Lebron James"? And what does he have to do with Drew Carey?”
~ Oscar Wilde on Lebron James on Oscar Wilde on Cleveland
“Lardass bitch took my job!”
~ Bob Barker on Drew Carey
“Bitch talk again!”
~ Puff Daddy on Drew Carey
“That fat American took my job!”
~ Clive Anderson on Drew Carey
A species of comedian plagued by an unfortunate trinomial nomenclature syndrome that classifies its middle name as Allison. It is to this emotional trauma that loyal fans generally attribute the species' notable lack of acting ability. The "Drew Carey" is perhaps best known for being the wife and half-sister of the infamous tranvestite lingerie model Mariah Carey. He's also got a half-brother named Dilbert. He also hosts the eternal game show The Cost Is Correct
Television shows featuring Careys are noted for being more popular when they do not have the name "Drew Carey" in the title. In fact, it has been proposed that the amount of humour in any given program is inversely proportional to the number of times the species is mentioned. This rule does not hold true when others are mocking a Carey.
Being a supporter of spaying and neutering, he had himself neutered because he believed a disgusting creature such as himself should never reproduce. This would explain his obesity.
Drew Carey's doctors have recently announced that he needs to keep away from doughnuts and dog sex if he wishes to live. Naturally, people have been sending him doughnuts and nude photos of dogs in order to kill him.
[edit] Interaction
Any time one is unfortunate enough to interact with a Drew Carey, it is genuinely recommended to repeatedly taunt it about any of the following:
- Being fat.
- Being stupid.
- Being Corrina Heater.
- Not being Colin Mochrie.
- Ranting on Cloud Strife and Tifa Lockhart
- Being unable to put the letters of the alphabet in order consistently.
- Believing Africa to be a country.
- Making lame jokes. The Carey may, at this point, claim that the joke in question was not written by himself. It infallibly was.
- Being from Cleveland.
- Having no sex life.(Unless boning his dog counts as sex) When the Carey begins to agree with said observations, the taunts cease to be funny and become sad.
- Being lazy. (A general warning: This may backfire and actually cause the Carey to get out from behind the desk, at which point it is usually best to vacate the general area, as levels of unfunny are likely to rise at a rate known to cause premature death in lab rats, children, and thinking induhviduals. No data back yet on politicians.)
- Wearing glasses thicker than pancake mix.]
- Being so fat and desperate for sex that even prostitutes won't touch him.
- Having a laugh similar to that of a Hyenna with a mixture of cholera and strep throat whilst gagging a wooden mixing spoon.
Giraffe Ryan Stiles and his watermelon partner, Colin Mochrie, used the above method to great effect when dealing with Careys on the job. It should be noted that the more evolved Careys have developed a weak defense mechanism against such an attack, including lame insults and empty threats. If the Carey has reached this point, it is not wise to attempt to gain the upper hand, but it is instead recommended to submit to the Carey's triumph. This will completely befuddle the Carey, allowing you to escape from its general vicinity. Alternatively, you can steal the Carey's glasses.
Carey was last seen orbiting a local Cleveland comedy club although Stephen Hawking has explained this as pure desperation and loneliness and nothing to do with gravity. He has also been seen with Edward Cullen and Barrack Obama planing to take over the world with the Nazi singer Miley Cyrus. No word back yet on how George Dubya Bush is taking this latest betrayal.
[edit] Acting
Drew Carey was the host of the American rip off of the British television game show "Who Gives a Shit?" Contestants would compete for the most clever way to announce they had to go potty.
“excuse me while I drop the Browns off at the Superbowl”
~ Drew Carey on using the toilet
Drew became a spokesman for A & W restaurants in Canada but was fired for eating all the profits.
Drew Carey is now an actor on the TVmatrons top show The Price is Left. On the first day he spun the biggest wheel of pennies and his arm was caught on it, therefore stipping the bone out of his left arm causing him to amputate the arm. He now lives in a old folky's home where he eats soup and is raped by the nurses there. He also broke his glasses while spinning the wheel
