Droitwich is a small putrid town nestled forty-three miles north of the outlying foothills of the Malverns. It being forty-three miles from the nearest point of interest, which is a hill, should give an indication of how utterly un-interesting a place it is. It has long denied any association with its neighbour, Bromsgrove, against which the traditional thrice-decadely treacle hopscotch battle is fought, usually with many casualties.
Slightly further away is the fortified enclave of Redditch. But most residents of Droitwich dare not travel that far.
Droitwich is twinned with the German town of Bad Ems, and also the Spanish town of Bad Zeds, the French town of Bad Ells, and the hit pop song by Michael Jackson, Bad.
Posh people call the place Droitwich Spa, as it is the legendary home of Dwight S. Whittlethorpe, the inventor of the modern foot spa, the traditional wedding gift for people who can't be arsed. Droitwich is sometimes referred to by its younger residents as "Detroitwich," due to the fact that the town is almost, but not quite, entirely unlike the American city of Detroit.
Droitwich is first mentioned in a public media broadcast in the opening scenes of Blackadder II, where it is claimed to be the hiding place of a harpy. The town was listed in the Domesday book as a foot-note on page seventy-four as an analogy to fermented goat cheese. At the time the town was entirely occupied by lesser-spotted pot-bellied goats.
The other noteworthy point of this fetid hamlet is its ratio of traffic roundabouts per capita of population. Whilst Milton Keynes happily occupies one end of the distribution curve, Droitwich is slumped at the opposite end. There are only two roundabouts to the population of twenty-six thousand six hundred and seventy one people. The average person owns two point eight four goats and there are eighteen goats per cheese distillery. Historians claim the disproportionate number of roundabouts is due to the inability of the average goat to negotiate circular traffic obstacles. But then again your Droitwich goat is far from average. That, and the fact that goat's cheese tends to lose traction when cornering.
Droitwich is also notorious for its abundance of churches and pubs, with a population of just over four people per church and a little under twelve per pub. Despite this, Droitwich has the lowest rates of religious belief and alcoholism anywhere in the world. Incest is rampant, and it is considered a social faux pas to be able to walk down the street in Droitwich without meeting several assorted family members.
The only industrial product of note ever to derive from Droitwich was salt. This was sucked out of the ground using a large vacuum cleaner which is still on display behind the Chinese takeaway. This was such a good sucker that it removed all the subterranean salt from underneath the main high-street, causing it to sink. Hence the Chinese takeaway and several other buildings lean noticeably to one side. Fortunately they are propped up at the far end by an estate agent and goat cheese shop.
Uses of the word 'Droitwich'
The verb 'to Droitwich' is the term used to describe that awkward dance that two pedestrians perform when approaching one another on the pavement, and both try to avoid the other by stepping in the same direction. Subsequently they step in the opposite direction, inevitably resulting in a head-on collision. This is to Droitwich.
Deriving from the Domesday book reference, the noun 'a Droitwich' is any smell similar to that of old, rotting, or fermenting goat's cheese. For example, "Did you do a Droitwich" may be asked of someone who has done a bottom burp.
Rik Mayall was born here allegedly. Or it could have been someone else.
The only culture ever found in Droitwich was seen to be growing on a petri dish in the science laboratory of the local school. A protest by residents against such heretical behaviour was upheld by the Town Council, who exiled the errant bacteria to nearby Worcester (the real one, not the one in America).