IF YOU HEAR A DRUM DUEL, RUN! NO NORMAL HUMAN BEING CAN POSSIBLY SURVIVE A DRUM DUEL!
Drum duels are the most skilled and dangerous of any instrumental duels. They require two drummers, two drumkits, two million cymbals and nothing else, therin lies their glorious, utterly wonderful awesomeness.
Two drummers. (drummer generator generates...) Ian Paice and John Bonham. Okay, we now have our two drum legends. These two drummers start to get annoyed with each other. Let's say... Paicey got peed off with Bonzo because Bonzo nicked his money to buy booze. They challenge each other to a drum duel and bring their drums into the same room.
Having two drumkits in the same room is potentially fatal, so do not try this at home. Any onlookers will perish the moment the second drumkit is completely inside the room, and substandard drummers may as well. In this way, many drum duels are finished before they start. However, since our two combatants are both legend (although Paicey has managed to survive longer; we've had to go back in time to 1980 for this) neither of them explode.
Bonzo; Wham slap bang thump crash bam-bam-bam -
Paicey; Crash-wham-slap-bang thump crash-wham-bam-bam-bam -
Bonzo; Bam-bam-bam-bam thump crash thump crash -
Paicey; Bang thump crash bam-bam Crash/bam thump/wham
Bonzo dies. Paicey disguises it as Bonzo having died from choking on his vomit. Everyone believes Paicey (because little Ian wouldn't do a thing like that...)
There are, however, several different types of drum duel. One is where one combatant maintains a constant blast-beat throughout while the other does classic drums. This leads to the blaster dying instantly because even drummers agree that blast-beats sound REALLY boring. Between two substandard drummers (hmm... Nah, I won't name and shame them...) the duel never ends because neither of them can summon up the effort needed to beat the other.
Obviously that example was deceptive, because Bonzo and Paicey are both legends so they could duel without using the crude 'points system' that many use. This is contained, in its entirety, below...
- Hitting your bassist on the head; 10 points. The bassist is part of the rhythm section and so often stands close to the drumkit, making it easier.
- Hitting your vocalist on the head; 50 points. The vocalist is generally near the front whatever the band are playing in, making it harder.
- Hitting your guitarist on the head; 100 points. The guitar has a force-field around it that tries to repel drumsticks (this is why some drummers use their hands) and the guitarist is always near the front of the stage, all of this making it harder. However any AC/DC drummers are banned from this strategy because with Angus Young it's just too easy.
- Playing with Nazi daggers; 100 points. Has never been attempted due to several killjoys stating that that would just puncture the drumkit. However in the book Drum Duels for D(r)ummies, this is contained as a rule. Keyboard duels occasionally feature this, especially when Keith Emerson is involved.
- Using blast-beats; -20 points. They are REALLY dull.
- Playing the drum solo from the Made in Japan version of the Mule beat-for-beat; 50 points. Yep. It's that awesome. That's why Paicey beat Bonzo, because he could play this IMPROMTU!
- Playing topless; 5 points. Surprising but true.
- Playing with only one arm; 20 points. Rick Allen doesn't generally win, but generally scores well because of this (however he did beat whoever Poison's drummer is without any trouble. That must be why nobody can remember who the hell drummed for Poison.)
- Having a large cock; 15 points. That's why Tommy Lee also beat Poison's drummer.
There are more, but these are independent rules for different championships and not in the International Code of Drum Duels.
The Drumatic Cup is the championship for most mainstream drummers and drum machines. Generally a drum legend from some heavy genre will enter this for the thrill of seeing everyone else crumble before them, which means that in the ten years between 1999 (the first) and 2009, the Drumatic Cup has been won by the following...
1999 - Lars Ulrich
2000 - Matt Sorum
2001 - Tjodalv
2002 - Tommy Lee Honest. He beat them all on cock size, I think.
2003 - Vinny Appice
2004 - Tommy Aldridge
2005 - Bill Ward
2006 - Cozy Powell's corpse
2007 - Philthy Animal
2008 - Ginger Baker
2009 - Alex Van Halen
Other Great Drum Duels
Because of the likelihood of spontaneous combustion, drum duels do not happen often. However, the most famous drum duel is going on RIGHT NOW, AS I SPEAK, AS YOU READ THIS between Odin and Satan. The galaxies are the drums, and the constant hammering is what creates the stars. The reason we haven't spontaneously combusted yet is that the spirit of Cozy Powell is watching over us.
Latest update; currently, Satan is in the lead. This is because, with his pitchfork, he can hit three drums at once. Odin is having problems because he only has one eye.