Drummer
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“So many drummers, so little time. Hahaha... aww.”
~ Ringo Starr on Drummers
“Oh yeah, I'd fuck the shit out of him”
~ My guitarist(she's a hot chick!) on Guns 'n Roses drummer(eeeeeeeewwwww! she's got weird taste)
“Uhhhhhhhh Guuuhhhhhhh Schumujmhhh...”
~ A typical Drummer.
“Wha? Huh? Where am I?”
~ A typical drummer- who is stoned- note he is slightly smarter.
“Hmmmmm I like dem tasty chicken drunsticks. ”
~ Dean Gill on Drummers
“Your computer is loaded with porn, isn't it?”
~ Conan O'Brien on his late night talk show band's drummer Max Weinberg. He played with Springsteen, you know.
“Like dude man! It's like um, dark in here man”
~ Typical Drummer on dark rooms
“Drummers smell bad.”
~ anyone who has had to deal with a drummer
The word 'Drummer' comes from the Latin word 'Drumatio' which literally translates to "Man on man Blowjobs." Many bands today use the word 'Drummer', as well as 'Alcoholic', and also 'Brandon Ibe'of This Last Advance(www.myspace.com/thislastadvance) or 'That guy in the back'. The reason why music has such awesome drum beats today is because drum machines are said to be better than the traditional alcoholic with anger management issues. Due to these circumstances Drummers are often mis-classified as groupies, because they are seen with musicians constantly without actually doing anything.
Everybody hates drummers and they are generally seen as unnecessary. They are famous for their sensationally short life-spans and psychotic breakdowns.
One drummer who lives (yes, he is still alive) in particular infamy is none other than Keith Moon-Unit, who, like Tupac Shakur, is lurking around, waiting to come back from the dead. Drummers secretly worship him and try to steal his powers by ingesting Voodoo Beer and Cocaine, which, surprisingly, seems to work, nine times out of a billion.
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[edit] Characteristics
There has been a huge amount of discussion concerning what a "drummer" is among historians and archaeologists- the only evidence we have is a near-endless supply of women they receive. Nonetheless, using these the world's leading hot chicks have been able to piece together a picture of what a drummer is...
[edit] Intelligence
The following paragraphs have been instrumental (geddit?!) in understanding the intelligence and general mental state of the average drummer:
Drummers are extremely smart. They play around 10 to 12 instruments at one time, while the rest of the band plays only 1, because that is all they can handle. Some guitarists try to compensate for this with wah-wah pedals, but they are only fooling themselves. Unfortunately, almost all of the instruments that drummers can play only include the hitting of the instrument with one of a number of variations of a stick. III I III I I III II II III II I
I I I II II I I I I I I III
III III III I I III I I I III II I
A typical drummer has the mental capacity of the drums they're bashing. The most famous drummers have been known to be hirsute knuckle-dragging neaderthals. Any dipshit can drum. It is the most basic task and the only reason you may become a drummer is that you are not intelligent enough to learn a real instrument.
Obviously containing as much intelligence as whosoever originally typed the above paragraph.
Haha, good one, second paragraph! -love, third paragraph (call me!)
[edit] Sex life
The next set of paragraphs concern the sexual appeal (or lack thereof) of a drummer and thereby the amount of pussy they get (It was an early assumption by researchers that there is no such thing as a female drummer, which led to the theory that they are not a species in themselves but rather a lower order of humanity- this theory was shouted down by most professionals who were frightened to be associated by species with such a group). This, however, has been disproven. Female drummers tend to exhibit an even higher level of sex appeal than the males, perhaps due to their superior stick-handling skills... except for Meg White. she's crap and is only good for...wait.. she isn't good for anything. Female drummers tend to be amazing WAY better than flute players and any other part of the band. After all percussionists are the only ones who get to use all appendages.
[edit] Looks
[edit] Appearance
If you look very hard, you can just about see drummers! Drummers are usually very difficult to spot because they are imaginary. But those that are not imaginary always have the look of constipation. I mean...concentration.
Drummers have no dress sense and seriously need help. For example, Bob Bryer of My Chemical Romance likes to wear yellow trainers. What the fook? I don't even need to mention Dave Grohl.
Remember, if you become a drummer, make sure you have enough money for a stylist or a very stylish girlfriend. Who am I kidding, drummers never get any girlfriends!
[edit] Skills
Ha Ha, good one!
[edit] Current
It can be assumed from these that drummers were a genetic evolution, able to procreate due to their complete overdose of sex appeal. This would, of course, conveniently explain why they (apparently) are literally beating out everyone else, although there is a radical field of thought which maintains there are descendants of the drummers still licking ass today in society... a comforting thought.
[edit] Musical ability
Ha! Another good one.
[edit] Life Expectancy
Despite drummers being kickass, their lives are usually cut short by freak gardening accidents and spontaneous combustion (Note: This combustion has no relevance whatsoever to Asplode as drummers are not "kick ass" enough for that level of awesomeness). Bands always have to deal with the death of a drummer after they get drunk and then break up instead of finding another alcoholic with anger management issues to smash a drum kit since it is inevitable. Scientists believe they live forever because God is smart.
[edit] Some Praise
We are proud of that last section, a manly drummer or some form of percussionist on the computer to lay down the word. Good.
- Though it is worth mentioning that the drummer in question may have been randomly hitting letters on his keyboard, causing it to come into existence.
[edit] Drummers today
There is, of course, no proof that there are any drummers disappearing today. However, conspiracy theorists often claim to have killed off drummers in the vicinity of nightclubs and other areas where music is performed and sex is had... as such scientists rarely stray into these areas. As a contingency against the eventuality of actually encountering a live drummer a set of protocols have been compiled to defend yourself against them
[edit] The Drummer vs. the Drum Machine
It is said that every time a drummer hits the snare drum Jesus blows a load onto the earth,and consequently providing ample fertilizer for crops and fields for a decade. However, the decrease in real drummers and the increase of drum machines has reduced this miraculous event from commencing by 35%. So, is a drum machine's ability to perfectly keep time, and replicate rhythms with outstanding stiffness and lack of feel, really worth the drying up of the Earth's precious resources, and possibly our ears?
[edit] How to protect yourself
The only way to stay safe in the presence of a drummer is to avoid them, if at all possible. If contact is unavoidable, just follow these simple steps: 1) Wear brightly colored clothing; because drummers are deaf, make sure that they can clearly see you. 2) Make sure that the drummer is in a calm state, as the constant failing of arm with sticks in them are lethal! If this situation is unavoidable, call your local animal control center to access a tranquilizing gun. It is the most humane way. 3) Never startle a drummer, as the results can be catastrophic! 4) Always visit a drummer with a buddy, so if the worst should happen, there is someone to contact help. 5) Finally, bring a peace offering. Example: sticks. Every drummer loves a new set of drum sticks!
Prolonged exposure to a drummer can lead to a certain type of cancer that can infect the rhythm producing center of the brain. Drummers should only be "hanging out" with trained professionals, otherwise known as music educators.
Follow these precautions and you should be safe! Remember, drummers only attacked when provoked.
[edit] See also
| Band Class |
| Flute- Clarinet- Oboe - Saxophone- Trumpet - French Horn - Bassoon - Trombone - Euphonium - Tuba - Drummer - Xylophone - Cowbell |
