Drunk driving

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Seen here, a typical drunk driver irresponsibly drives into a plane.

Drunk Driving was first popularised by the Irish as a substitution to wife beating. In the 1800's the practice of getting trashed and beating your wife was falling into disuse because people were dying of starvation and turning into zombies. It was during this time the Old Imperial Bastards assclown were exporting most grain from Eire to elsewhere in the filthy commonwealth of teabaggery.

Since its inception the sport has evolved and is considered one of the few major working-class sports, next to Eiffel towering and canoeing. During this time the sport has gained wide-spread support amongst middle-class white trash and famous people. Children in school are taught the magical experiences of drinking and driving in school for their future entertainment and enjoyment It is to be noted, however, that when Drunk Driving in Soviet Russia, DRINK drives YOU.

Rules[edit]

First, find a suitable bottle of duff or other corn mash beer. Consume the entire bottle, preferably on an full stomach. Next, Find the nearest school bus unloading area or highly crowded pedestian walk way. This is the race track. If the however above is not avalible at the present time then begin moving left and right across the road. If this is performed corectly the cars behind you will turn into (or look like) ants, this is a sign that your methods are working and the law enforcement is on it's way. Most professionals at this prestigous sport will slow down and inform the officer persuing that they are participating in tonights main event usually by saying the following:

  • I swear to drunk Im not God
  • Do you know why we pulled over? Okay, just so one of us does.
  • What? You need a license to drive?
  • Yes, I know my driving is not 100%, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk
  • Do you have any idea who you're talking to?
  • You don't happen to have any beer in your car?

If the officer understands that you are drunk they will take out a yellow note pad and begin writing something on it (presumable his number). any experianced Drunk driver will see the yellow paper (or anything thats yellow) as a sign for them to make like a tree and get the fuck out of there Imediately after this more and more cops assimalate around the area informing you that the game has started.

The game of Drunk driving has some major scoring vectors:

  • Escape from the opposing team (Law enforcement). They attempt to ticket or "jail" you while playing this action packed sport. The longer you can evade capture, the more points you earn.
  • In the event of capture, bonus points can be earned based on blood alcohol content. Drinking while actually driving, thereby increasing your BAC during competition, doubles your score.
  • Score is increased via style points. These are earned by causing the lunches of spectators to shoot out their backsides; hence the nickname "brown trouser" points. Every season, high-scorers are awarded the coveted Bronze Pants trophies (typically whilst in prison).
  • High-speed crashes and resulting explosions prematurely end the game, but are fun to watch or hang-out at afterwards.

Scoring[edit]

Two-time champion Billy Brewer demonstrates his scoring prowess
  • Breaking the speed limit driving through a McDonald's drive-thru: 10 points
  • Breaking the speed limit driving through a McDonald's walk-up: 100 points
  • Breaking the speed limit driving through Ramsay MacDonald: 278 points and a toaster oven
  • Flipping off other motorists: 1 point
  • Flipping off police officers: 10 points
  • Flipping off school buses full of nuns: 30 points
  • Mooning while driving: 50 points
  • Urinating while driving: 75 points (double if you are female and manage to not end up with wet pants)
  • Urinating on a nun while driving: 105 points
  • Urinating on a nun giving fellatio to a police officer while driving: Automatic qualification for the playoffs, plus a gift certificate for $150 on lovely Spam products
  • Sex while driving: 50 points
  • Sex with a family relation while driving: 150 points
Two-time champion Billy Brewer demonstrates his other scoring prowess
  • Car surfing (requires sun roof, convertibles do not qualify): 125 points
  • Having a gun while driving: 1/2 point
  • Blowing out someone elses tire: 10 points
  • Blowing out someone else completely: 300 points and Upgrade to Pimp status
  • Eating a cookie while driving: another free cookie
  • Running over pedestrian: 25 points
  • Running over pregnant pedestrian: 50 points
  • Running over nun: 75 points
  • Running over pregnant nun: 200 points (Bonus 50 points if you were the one that knocked her up)
  • Running yourself over: 950 points, and automatic finalist in the Heisenberg award
  • Driving a car filled with beer: *varies*
  • Driving with a cougar in the back seat(and not having to be taken to the hospital): Automatic Finalist and one year of free beer (2 years if there were 2 cougars and so forth), this however was only sucessfully done by Ricky Bobby who later was found out to actually be That Guy
  • Tree Driving: 3 pints
  • Driving the Batmobile while having Hannah Montana blasting through the radio: 200 points

Penalties[edit]

A competitor sadly misinformed as to his choice of conveyance. We can see from his outfit, however, that he was competing in the Champions League.

As with most major sporting leagues, the ILDDB (International League of Drunk Driving Bastards) has enacted its own set of behavior that has been deemed as "naughty". This enables non-professionals to point at overpaid wanks, laugh, and feel better about themselves. This exciting sport is no exception, so here is a very rough list of penalties one can expect to see in competition events:

  • Drinking a "lite" beer whilst driving: -20 points
  • Driving backwards in the passing lane: -40 points (but add ten style points)
  • Using a cell phone to order more liquor while driving drunk: -15 points
  • Drunk driving on livestock: -55 points and a good talking-to
  • Nun baiting: Must eat tweleve IHOP waffles
  • Debating philosophical teachings while speeding through a university campus: Ten minutes in the spanking machine
  • Urinating on a passing limo: 17 minutes spit-shining Donald Trump's hair. (Exceptions are made if the limo is one of those SUV-style ones, in which case Donald Trump licks YOUR head. Whether or not that's a penalty, it makes for quality television.)
  • Entering rehab: Automatic ass-kicking
  • Using teams of dogs to herd religious apostates into pens (also known as monk driving): All the other competitors aim for you. Smartass.
  • Failing to shoot out someones tires: Crashing into a pole and having the pole fall ontop of you automaticly ending the game along with you (requires a gun)
  • Driving a Toyota: Auto-Death
  • Having an Infant in the backseat: Press will make sure your fail will be recorded for everyone elses viewing pleasure
  • Being halt by the police: Points are up to the police's money grubbing

Famous Quotes[edit]

Johnny Billy Bob Dreisdale, ranked 8th in the Cooterville Amatuer League.
  • "This is soo much fun!" - Any particular Premiership footballer you care to mention. Except Wayne Rooney, of course. He usually crashes into a shop front before he can say anything. But I digress...
  • "Who needs F1 when there's Drunk Driving?" - Noel Edmonds
  • "Cor, whut I forget? Oh, the flippin' girl! Where are my pants?" - Ted Kennedy (as told to Denis Leary).
  • "Bleaaaaaarrrgh! Now I know how Europe felt..." - Genghis Kahn
  • "Hell, I've gone blind! I...wait, just had my head stuck in the glove box. Is it my round?" - Keith Richards
  • "Nah, there ain't no rocks around here! Yer goin' too damn slow! Move over and let me drive! Pussy." - Joseph Hazelwood
  • "No, really, my wife kicked the crap out of me...Yes, with my own golf club...Look, can we keep this out of the papers?" - Tiger Woods
  • "SHIT!" Osama Bin Laden

Famous Drunk Drivers[edit]

Martha Rae Jeannie Rae Rae Raynelle Rae, reacting to her second-place finish in last year's Zima Cup
  • Mother Teresa
  • Tony the Tiger
  • Eddie O'Sullivan
  • Myron Cope
  • Sean Halpin
  • John E Miller From Ble Spar
  • Stephen Hawking
  • Stephen King