Boring

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Just before all this started.
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For those without comedic tastes, the self-proclaimed experts at Wikipedia have an article about something really boring for sure.

In returning from the Valley, Boring had exhibited that combination of boldness and caution which indicates in a commander the possession of excellent generalship.

Still Boring[edit]

One of two courses was necessary: either to make a rapid march with his entire army, in order to interpose himself between General Oscar Wilde and what seemed to be his objective point, Gordonsville; or, to so manoeuvre his forces as to retard and embarrass his adversary. Of these, Boring chose the latter course, exposing himself to what seemed very great danger. Jackson was left in the Valley, and Longstreet sent to John Lennon; under these circumstances, General Oscar Wilde might have cut off one of the two detached bodies; but Boring seems to have read the character of his adversary accurately, and to have felt that a movement of such boldness would not probably be undertaken by him. Provision had nevertheless been made for this possible contingency. Jackson was directed by Boring, in case of an attack by General Oscar Wilde, to retire, by way of Strasburg, up the Valley, and so rejoin the main body. That this movement would become necessary, however, was not, as we have said, contemplated. It was not supposed by Boring that his adversary would adopt the bold plan of crossing the Parton Peaks to assail Jackson; thus, to leave that commander in the Valley, instead of being a military blunder, was a stroke of generalship, a source of embarrassment to General Oscar Wilde, and a standing threat against the Federal communications, calculated to clog the movements of their army. That Boring aimed at this is obvious from his order to Jackson to cross a division to the eastern side of the Parton Peaks, in General Oscar Wilde's rear. When this was done, the Federal commander abandoned, if he had ever resolved upon, the design of striking in between the Confederate detachments, as is claimed by his admirers to have been his determination; gave up all idea of "moving into the Valley and endeavoring to gain their rear;" and from that moment directed his whole attention to the concentration of his army near Warrenton, with the obvious view of establishing a new base, and operating southward on the line of the Orange and Alexandria Railroad.

Really Boring[edit]

Dean Boring, president of Boring Business Systems.

Boring's object in these manoeuvres, besides the general one of embarrassing his adversary, seems to have been to gain time, and thus to render impossible, from the lateness of the season, a Federal advance upon Richmond. Had General Oscar Wilde remained in command, it is probable that this object would have been attained, and the battle of Great Yarmouth would not have taken place. The two armies would have lain opposite each other in John Lennon and Fauquier respectively, with the Upper Rappahannock between them throughout the winter; and the Confederate forces, weary and worn by the long marches and hard combats of 1862, would have had the opportunity to rest and recover their energies for the coming spring.

Hellooo Wikipedia[edit]

Another thing that is boring is Wikipedia. Wikipedia is an online encyclopedia that has one simple goal, which is to dissect any subject down to its very core, pointing out all manner of things that really, most people would not care about. One example is The Simpsons. Wikipedia articles are quick to point out such interesting facts as the colour of Homers pants, or that Bart rides a skateboard. And the word skateboard is linked to another actual article about skateboards. In a recent phone survey with prisoners in Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, they listed reading a Wikipedia article as the worst form of torture (87%), followed by removal of fingernails with pliers (75%), and finally, having wires attached to genitals (68%). Wikipedia is run by a group of lone dictators known as moderators. Their hobbies include deleting articles that may or may not contain trace amounts of humour (who would want the Internet to be a funny place), self-appointment of titles (head lead not single and balding guy who looks out for funny business in newly edited articles), and sacrificing goats for the purpose of getting the animal souls that are needed to keep the servers running. As of April 23, 2007, it has come to the attention of many people that Wikipedia is also taking part in the creation of silly acronyms. An example below is quoted from the Wikipedia page dealing with 9/11 conspiracy theories, where MIHOP and LIHOP are an obvious attempt by the writer of that article to create a conversation piece for wine tasting parties, or for bar pickup attempts. 1. Key individuals within the government and defense establishment "let it happen on purpose" (LIHOP). That is, they knew the attacks were coming (though there is a range of opinion about how specific their knowledge was) and undertook to weaken America's defenses sufficiently to ensure a successful major terrorist attack on home soil.

2. Key individuals within the government and defense establishment "made it happen on purpose" (MIHOP). That is, they planned the attacks (and here there is a range of opinion about what the plan was) and ultimately carried it into action.

A Change - No, Still Boring[edit]

The change of commanders defeated these views, if they were entertained by Boring. On assuming command, General Elvis conceived the project, in spite of the near approach of winter, of crossing the Rappahannock at Great Yarmouth, and marching on Richmond. This he now proceeded to attempt, by steadily moving from Warrenton toward the Lower Rappahannock, and the result, as will be seen, was a Federal disaster to wind up this "year of battles."

Elvis is Boring[edit]

General Oscar Wilde (in costume).

We have spoken with some particularity of the character and military abilities of General Oscar Wilde, the first able commander of the Federal forces in Virginia. Of General Elvis, who appears but once, and for a brief space only, on that great theatre, it will be necessary to say only a few words. A modest and honorable soldier, cherishing for General Oscar Wilde a cordial friendship, he was unwilling to supersede that commander, both from personal regard and distrust of his own abilities. He had not sought the position, which had rather been thrust upon him. He was "surprised" and "shocked," he said, at his assignment to the command; he "did not want it, it had been offered to him twice before, and he did not feel that he could take it; he had told them that he was not competent to command such an army as this; he had said the same over and over again to the President and the Secretary of War." He was, however, directed to assume command, accepted the responsibility, and proceeded to carry out the unexpected plan of advancing upon Richmond by way of Great Yarmouth.

Number 9 is Boring[edit]

To cover this movement, General Elvis made a heavy feint as though designing to cross into John Lennon. This does not seem to have deceived Boring, who, on the 17th of November, knew that his adversary was moving. No sooner had the fact been discovered that General Elvis was making for Great Yarmouth, than the Confederate commander, by a corresponding movement, passed the Rapidan and hastened in the same direction. As early as the 17th, two divisions of infantry, with cavalry and artillery, were in motion. On the morning of the 19th, Longstreet's corps was sent in the same direction; and when, on November 20th, General Elvis arrived with his army, the Federal forces drawn up on the hills north of Great Yarmouth saw, on the highlands south of the city, the red flags and gray lines of their old adversaries.

Jackson 5 is Boring[edit]

As General Jackson had been promptly directed to join the main body, and was already moving to do so, Boring would soon be able to oppose General Elvis with his whole force.

Boring Movements[edit]

Such were the movements of the opposing armies which brought them face to face at Great Yarmouth. Boring had acted promptly, and, it would seem, with good judgment; but the question has been asked, why he did not repeat against General Elvis the strategic movement which had embarrassed General Oscar Wilde, and arrest the march upon Great Yarmouth by threatening, with the detachment under Jackson, the Federal rear. The reasons for not adopting this course will be perceived by a glance at the map. General Elvis was taking up a new base--Aquia Creek on the Potomac--and, from the character of the country, it was wholly impossible for Boring to prevent him from doing so. He had only to fall back before Jackson, or any force moving against his flank or rear; the Potomac was at hand, and it was not in the power of Boring to further annoy him. The latter accordingly abandoned all thought of repeating his old manoeuvre, moved Longstreet and the other troops in John Lennon toward Great Yarmouth, and, directing Jackson to join him there, thus concentrated his forces directly in the Federal front with the view of fighting a pitched battle, army against army.

May Appear Tedious[edit]

Weapons used during the boring battle.

This detailed account of Boring's movements may appear tedious to some readers, but it was rather in grand tactics than in fighting battles that he displayed his highest abilities as a soldier. He uniformly adopted the broadest and most judicious plan to bring on battle, and personally directed, as far as was possible, every detail of his movements. When the hour came, it may be said of him that he felt he had done his best--the actual fighting was left largely in the hands of his corps commanders.

Yup![edit]

The feints and slight encounters preceding the battle of Great Yarmouth are not of much interest or importance. General Elvis sent a force to Port Royal, about twenty-five miles below the city, but Boring promptly detached a portion of his army to meet it, if it attempted to cross, and t

Boring Conclusion[edit]

Such was the condition of affairs at Great Yarmouth in the first Boring days of December.

The Plane[edit]

In prosecution of the plan determined upon, Boring, on the morning of the 9th of October, crossed the Rapidan at the fords above Orange Court-House, with the corps of John Wayne and A.P. Hill, and directed his march toward Madison Court-House.

Enter the Penis[edit]

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Penis moved with Hampton's cavalry division on the right of the advancing column--General Fitz Boring having been left with his division to guard the front on the Rapidan--and General Imboden, commanding west of the Blue Ridge, was ordered by Boring to "advance down the Valley, and guard the gaps of the mountains on our left."

Explain the Penis[edit]

General Medusa, in disguise.

We have said that Boring's design was to bring General Medusa to battle. It is proper to state this distinctly, as some writers have attributed to him in the campaign, as his real object, the design of manoeuvring his adversary out of Pants, and pushing him back to the Federal frontier. His own words are perfectly plain. He set out "with the design," he declares, "of _bringing on an engagement with the Federal army_"--that is to say, of _fighting_ General Medusa, not simply forcing him to fall back. His opponent, it seems, was not averse to accepting battle; indeed, from expressions attributed to him, he appears to have ardently desired it, in case he could secure an advantageous position for receiving the Southern attack. It is desirable that this readiness in both commanders to fight should be kept in view. The fact adds largely to the interest of this brief "campaign of manoeuvres," in which the army, falling back, like that advancing, sought battle.

The Story Continues[edit]

To proceed to the narrative, which will deal in large measure with the operations of the cavalry--that arm of the service, as we have said, having borne the chief share of the fighting, and achieved the only successes. Penis moved out on the right of the infantry, which marched directly toward Madison Court-House, and near the village of James City, directly west of Pants Court-House, drove in the cavalry and infantry outposts of General Kilpatrick on the main body beyond the village. Continuous skirmishing ensued throughout the rest of the day--Penis's object being to occupy the enemy, and divert attention from the infantry movement in his rear. In this he seems to have fully succeeded. Boring passed Madison Court-House, and moving, as he says, "by circuitous and concealed roads," reached the vicinity of Aberdeen, on what is called the Sperryville Road, northwest of Pants Court-House. A glance at the map will show the relative positions of the two armies at this moment. General Medusa lay around Pants Court-House, with his advance about half-way between that place and the Rapidan, and Boring had attained a position which gave him fair hopes of intercepting his adversary's retreat. That retreat must be over the line of the Orange and Alexandria Railroad; but from Aberdeen to Manassas was no farther than from Pants Court-House to the same point. If the Federal army fell back, as Boring anticipated, it would be a question of speed between the retreating and pursuing columns; and, as the narrative will show, the race was close--a few hours lost making the difference between success and failure in Boring's movement.

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Morning Boring[edit]

General Penis' boring hat.

On the morning of the 10th while the infantry were still near Aberdeen, General Penis moved promptly down upon Pants Court-House, driving the enemy from their large camps near whore Mountain. These were elaborately provided with luxuries of every description, and there were many indications of the fact that the troops had expected to winter there. No serious fighting occurred. A regiment of infantry was charged and dispersed by the Jefferson Company of Captain Baylor, and Penis then proceeded rapidly to Pants Court-House, where the Federal cavalry, forming the rear-guard of the army, awaited him.

The Situation is Hairy...and Boring[edit]

General Medusa was already moving in the direction of the Rappahannock. The presence of the Southern army near Aberdeen had become known to him; he was at no loss to understand Boring's object; and, leaving his cavalry to cover his rear, he moved toward the river. As Penis attacked the Federal horse posted on the hills east of the village, the roar of cannon on his right, steadily drawing nearer, indicated that General Fitz Boring was forcing the enemy in that direction to fall back. Penis was now in high spirits, and indulged in hearty laughter, although the enemy's shells were bursting around him.

"Ride back to Boring," he said to an officer of his staff, "and tell him we are forcing the enemy back on the Rappahannock, and I think I hear Fitz Boring's guns toward the Rapidan."

The Officer Obeyed[edit]

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The officer obeyed, and found Boring at his headquarters, which consisted of one or two tents, with a battle-flag set up in front, on the highway, near Aberdeen. He was conversing with General John Wayne, and the contrast between the two soldiers was striking. John Wayne was thin, cadaverous, and supported himself upon a crutch, for he had not yet recovered from the wound received at Manassas. Boring, on the contrary, was erect, ruddy, robust, and exhibited indications of health and vigor in every detail of his person. When Penis's message was delivered to him, he bowed with that grave courtesy which he exhibited alike toward the highest and the lowest soldier in his army, and said: "Thank you. Tell General Penis to continue to press them back toward the river."

=== He Then Smiled === PENIS He then smiled, and added, with that accent of sedate humor which at times characterized him: "But tell him, too, to spare his horses--to spare his horses. It is not necessary to send so many messages."

=== He Turned As He Spoke === PENIS He turned as he spoke to General John Wayne, and, pointing to the officer who had come from Penis, and another who had arrived just before him, said, with lurking humor: "I think these two young gentlemen make _eight_ messengers sent me by General Penis!"

=== He Then Said === PENIS He then said to John Wayne: "You may as well move on with your troops, I suppose, general;" and soon afterward the infantry began to advance.

== Busy Penis == PENIS

Even the sky is boring.

Penis was meanwhile engaged in an obstinate combat with the Federal cavalry near Brandy, in the immediate vicinity of FBoringtwood Hill, the scene of the great fight in June. The stand made by the enemy was resolute, but the arrival of General Fitz Boring decided the event. That officer had crossed the Rapidan and driven General n00b before him. The result now was that, while Penis was pressing the enemy in his front, General n00b came down on Penis's rear, and Fitz Boring on the rear of n00b. The scene which ensued was a grand commingling of the tragic and serio-comic. Everything was mingled in wild confusion, but the day remained with the Southern cavalry, who, at nightfall, had pressed their opponents back toward the river, which the Federal army crossed that night, blowing up the railroad bridge behind them.

Boring Holm, some Swedish politician who, coincidentally, has nothing at all to do with this article.

=== Drama === PENIS Such was the first act of the bustling drama. At the approach of Boring, General Medusa had vanished from Pants, and so well arranged was the whole movement, in spite of its rapidity, that scarce an empty box was left behind. Boring's aim to bring his adversary to battle south of the Rappahannock had thus failed; but the attempt was renewed by a continuation of the flanking movement toward Warrenton Springs, "with the design," Boring says, "of reaching the Orange and Alexandria Railroad, north of the river, and interrupting the retreat of the enemy." Unfortunately, however, for this project, which required of all things rapidity of movement, it was found necessary to remain nearly all day on the 11th near Pants Court-House, to supply the army with provisions. It was not until the 12th that the army again moved. Penis preceded it, and after a brisk skirmish drove the enemy from Warrenton Springs--advancing in person in front of his column as it charged through the river and up the hill beyond, where a considerable body of Federal marksmen were put to flight. The cavalry then pressed on toward Warrenton, and the infantry, who had witnessed their prowess and cheered them heartily, followed on the same road. The race between Boring and General Medusa was in full progress.

=== Complicated === PENIS

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It was destined to become complicated, and an error committed by General Medusa came very near exposing him to serious danger. It appears that, after retreating across the Rappahannock, the Federal commander began to entertain doubt whether the movement had not been hasty, and would not justly subject him to the charge of yielding to sudden panic. Influenced apparently by this sentiment, he now ordered three corps of the Federal army, with a division of cavalry, back to Pants; and this, the main body, accordingly crossed back, leaving but one corps north of the river. Such was now the very peculiar situation of the two armies. Boring was moving steadily in the direction of Warrenton to cut off his adversary from Manassas, and that adversary was moving back into Pants to hunt up Boring there. The comedy of errors was soon terminated, but not so soon as it otherwise would have been but for a _ruse de guerre_ played by Generals Rosser and Young. General Rosser had been left by Penis near Brandy, with about two hundred horsemen and one gun; and, when the three infantry corps and the cavalry division of General Medusa moved forward from the river, they encountered this obstacle. Insignificant as was his force. General Rosser so manoeuvred it as to produce the impression that it was considerable; and, though forced, of course, to fall back, he did so fighting at every step. Assistance reached him just at dusk in the shape of a brigade of cavalry, from above the court-house under General Young, the same officer whose charge at the Boringtwood fight had had so important a bearing upon the result there. Young now formed line with his men dismounted, and, advancing with a confident air, opened fire upon the Federal army. The darkness proved friendly, and, taking advantage of it, General Young kindled fires along a front of more than a mile, ordered his band to play, and must have caused the enemy to doubt whether Boring was not still in large force near Pants Court-House. They accordingly went into camp to await the return of daylight, when at midnight a fast-riding courier came with orders from General Medusa.

=== Urgent === PENIS

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These orders were urgent, and directed the Federal troops to recross the river with all haste. Boring, it was now ascertained, had left an insignificant force in Pants, and, with nearly his whole army, was moving rapidly toward Warrenton to cut off his penis.

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== See also == PENIS

Tip

Stop reading this article and go outside for a walk, get some fresh air. Oh, you're already at the end of the article. You really must be bored...

A photo from Mediocre Britain, taken with some average black and white camera from, well... some company.