Durban

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“It is a city of rapists...and the occasional surfer.”

~ Alan Paton on Durban

“If ever I went to a city with a most disagreeable name inherited from jolly old England, it was this pathetic excuse for a loyal colony of His Majesty.”

~ Sir Arthur Conan Doyle on Nobody Cares

“Why do we rob Whitey? Because we live in a shack with our Mum and Dad and 14 sisters, and Whitey has a BMW! Why the fuck not?”

~ Peasant from the Kwa-Mashu

“Mee and dee kids, wee are getting dee Heel ut of heere, Focking Kaffirs ur eeverywhar.”

~ Racist White Man on Shelly Beach

Durban is a city in South Africa. It is one of the only South African cities founded by British rather than Afrikaners. The British did this because it was a great opportunity to fuck over both the Zulus and the Afrikaners.

The population of Durban fluctuates with the seasonal migration of whites, who arrive in the summer to escape "Crimeapalooza", a crime and looting festival in Johannesburg, and leave when the tour comes to Durban. As with wildebeest migrations, thousands usually die, but Nobody Cares. Durban has been called "the Miami of Africa" for its subtropical atmosphere and beach front hotels. It has also been called "the Beirut of Rhodesia" and "the Oslo of the Boers" and "the Smolensk of Afrikaans". No one knows why it is called these things.

History[edit]

The city was founded by Sir Dudley Stork-Peckering in 1734. Under the benign but lackadaisical rule of the British it soon became the capital of the Natal region. This fecund and well-hung area soon received the vast majority of South Africa's Indian immigrants. The city became ripe with the smell of curry, rape, and diamond mines. (What does a diamond mine smell like? Like nothing. It's odorless.) However, the Indian population came over mostly against their will to cut the cane and mow the grass for the Souties. Now, it seems, they drink the cane and smoke the grass.

Many have suggested renaming the city Turban for its large Indian population.

After the British rule ended and the Union of South Africa was formed the Afrikaners took over the government, and began to oppress the British and natve Africans. The first act of the new Natal was to change the capital from Durban to Pieter JanMaritzJannyJakobSeuntjieKristoffelburg, a small Afrikaner town consisting of 5 men: Pieter Jan, Maritz, Janny, Jakob, Seuntjie and Kristoffel. The move was supposedly to create a more secure capital free from the depredations of Zulus, wildebeest, meerkats, and burrowing toads. The Afrikaners had a particular fear of burrowing toads. Some now consider the move a hilarious "fuck you" to the British, more contemptuous than the Boer War.

Note that the Boer War is no longer properly referred to as the "Boring War". It was really quite exciting for those who like histrionics on the veldt.

After white rule ended, the province was united with Kwa-Zulu, a homeland established by the Afrikaner government to dump all the black folk in, and became known as Kwa-Zulu Natal. This was meant to reflect the racial makeup of the province more equitably, but in fact was just meant to spite the Afrikaners, who -- due to inbreeding -- could barely pronounce the new name. But to be fair, they couldn't pronounce "dog" ("dowug") or "pork" ("po-ahk") either.

Famous People[edit]

Durban is home to Piet Vartisbergen, member of Afrikanervolksfrontgeidten, which is dedicated to taking whiteness back in Natal. In 2012 he will use a time-machine to travel back in time and give Robert E. Lee AK-47's to win the Civil War.