The title of this article begins with a capital letter because computers are trying to take over the Earth, so pretend it says The Rift Cafe.The Rift Cafe
“I posted on eHarmony once, the next day I had a response from two wrestlers and a man lady.”
“Online dating is the equivalant of saying "Hey where I live no one can stand me, you live very far away and don't know me well we should get buzzed and have sex.”
Hello my name is Todd Brown and I'm a loveaholic, which is why I am posting here on eHarmony and not out actually doing something with my life.
- 1 Basic Questions Answered
- 2 Personal Information
- 3 Character Questions
- 4 Thank you sir please read our disclaimer.
Basic Questions Answered
Are you gay?
No I am not gay, at least not in how it used to mean, I mean after it meant the other thing but before it meant what is currently means. Do you know what I'm saying sometimes people call you gay just for exhibiting your budding sexuality publicly, and if that means gay then yes I am gay, but should I really be persecuted for leaving a lump in the crotch of my jeans or wearing nipple showing shirts.
Are You A Male or Female?
Phew this one's a lot easier. As evidenced by my name, Todd, I am a male... But I don't want to offend any women who might be named Todd. Oh man, I'm sorry, actually it's very pretty name for a girl, in fact I'm the only male Todd I know, but I'm a male for sure.
How Old Are You?
Well I don't feel comfortable answering this because I think my age is misleading. Clearly, the only reason I'm on eHarmony is because I exhausted dating all the women in a ten mile radius of my favorite club, so obviously I'm attractive, I would estimate I look about twenty-two, but that doesn't mean I won't date someone who might happen to be closer to say forty-seven. I just don't want you to feel self-conscious if you were to wind up dating a fifty year old with the abs of David Hasslehoff.
Do you have any children or other family members living in your house?
Hmm... about children well, I get laid often, I mean I am a machine, I'm certainly not infertal if that's what you're trying to imply. I must have a child somewhere, not that I'm perverted though, I mean I just don't know the freaking kid I'm not a convicted rapist, I'm probably not even a rapist at all. Sometimes women just don't call to tell you there pregnant if they're uncomfortable okay.
Around how many serious relationships have you previously had?
Wow you want me to uh count all of those huh? Hahaha. That could uh that might take awhile ya know. Maybe we should just skip this one cause you wouldn't want other women to get discouraged seeing as I haha have uh been with so many other females.
What is your favorite color?
Hmm uh orange. Well wait i don't want turn off anyone who likes blue, but green is also good. Uh red lipstick is just great. You know what I guess I just love the rainbow. Wait no that doesn't mean I'm... can we start over.
What are your hobbies?
Mainly going on dating services to try and get laid... I mean well Scrabble night with mother is fun, and uh Super Mario Galaxy. Oh and of course World of Warcraft. I mean no I play professional football, kind of, I'm in the football reserve, if all the players die they call me.
What do you do for work?
I'm an architect, a millionaire actually, I designed the uh the arch in Missouri and the McDonald's arch, and uh just thought I'd mention one of my pet peeves is uh telemarketers, cannot stand those guys, you know I've never been one though, seeing as I hate them ha... telemarketers ha...
How up to date on the world are you?
Funny you should ask a scholar such as myself. Well I'm a multi-farious individual, I enjoy watching Bart Starr throw the pigskin, I really hope our soldiers get those Krauts, I hate jews, I'm terrified of the Soviet Union, I love to root for my Brooklyn Dodgers, I don't think black people should be allowed to vote, and I thinkk women should be stoned for acting flirtatiously. Oh shit! That was my encyclopedia not my current events book. Wait I'd like to retract a few statements I-
Have you ever committed any crimes?
Me a convicted felon, you must have me mixed up with that other Todd Brown. I'm not a Mexican Drug Lord or a documented terrorist. I don't even know what a terrorist is, I mean uh. Okay I'll admit it I screamed "Rape!" in a movie theater once, but uh I thought it would be funny to snap naked pictures of my neighbor, so I didn't even make the guy pay for the drugs.
Do you have any STD's
Can you still get those from toilet seats cause I'm a virg- I mean I'm a big STD guy I love sharing my AIDS with the world, and Gonorrhea central right here. Unless that makes me weird cause, cause uh I actually haven't been tested per se, you know Gonorrhea is really just something you say when your in my position not some telemarketer who masturbates to the females he is required to call.
Thank you sir please read our disclaimer.
Hey buddy no one's promising you anything if you're some bisexual telemarketer virgin, who lives with his mother and plays children's video games all day their isn't a women alive who wants to sleep with you. Our suggestion is to hire a prostitute and save yourself the embarassment of saying you're on a dating website. Do you have any idea how pathetic that is? Also don't take the commercials at face value we show the Las Vegas certified marriage date, but not the three days later drunken haze has worn of divorce date, so like we said get a real job find a real woman and stop being such a loser. Have a wonderful day!