ESPN

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Jump to: navigation, search
Bouncywikilogo8.gif
For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about ESPN.

ESPN (Prounounced Ess-Pin), more commonly known as the ESP Network, or to some people as Disney Channel Sport, is a cable channel run by television psychics, which began airing in 1324. It was first thought up by Nostradamus, but unfortunately television would not exist for hundreds of years. Many mistakenly believe that ESPN is an acronym for "Entertainment and Sports Programming Network" when, in reality, it is actually an acronym for "Every Sperm Pleases Nuns." None of the studio executives have yet explained this unusual title.

History[edit]

ESPN was originally devoted to broadcasting advertisements and commercials 24 hours a day. However, in recent years, the network has begun to broadcast sports games, angering many of its fans. "I tune in to ESPN so I can watch hours and hours of mindless advertising, not to see football!" said one angry fan at a protest rally.

Despite fan complaints, the network continued to enfuse a small amount of sports into its constant stream of advertisements. Several months after it was created, the network was purchased by the Getty Oil Company (a purchase that led to several interesting attempts to merge sports with advertisements for Getty Oil--such as an entire football game played within an oil barrel). The network recently teamed up with Disney, due to a typo by a studio executive.

ESPN and Sports?[edit]

ESPN...

  • is often confused for a sports network due to the increasing amount of sports games being broadcast in between the advertisements. Nonetheless, it isn't a sports network, it is one long infomertial with occasional sports games interrupting the commercials..
  • created the Carolina Whaler-Canes just to piss off the mayor of Raleigh, NC.
  • won't admit the NHL exists.
  • loves the Red Sox, Celtics, and Patriots and refuse to credit all else east of the Mississippi apart from the Dallas Cowboys.
  • hates Chicago and only thinks it's a fluke when their teams win.
  • was recently involved in a dog-fighting scandal. Micheal Vick, a popular participator in dog-fights that are regularly broadcast on ESPN, was accused of staging illegal football games in his backyard. "It was a horrible sight," says one eyewitness, "Vick had about eight football players chained up inside a barbed-wire fence, and he would force them to play football against each other practically twenty four hours a day. The cruel bastard!"
  • Openly frames athletes to create stories when ad space becomes too numerous to be filled by just repeatedly saying the words ESPN ESPN2 ESPN.COM ESPN306 ESPN presents ESPN2 as produced by ESPN's ESPN360.com's Cindi Brunson ESPN Sports Center Hour as shown on ESPN. Known instances of the framing are:

-Chris Berman taking a leather clad woman to Marv Albert's hotel room and forcing Marv to bite her ass while screaming "Chlamidia"

-Chris Berman then taking that woman to Frank Gifford's house to get Frank Gifford fired in hopes of taking his pathetic job

-Having Skip bayless shoot Plaxico Burress, then threaten to suck his cock if he doesn't leave and say it was his gun

-Having Stewart Scott inject Barry Bonds and Roger Clemens with Steroids after a gay orgie involving a platipus and three Male Thai hookers

ESPN Baseball Coverage (Epstein and Steinbrenner's Personal Network)[edit]

ESPN's new logo to reflect the majority of their coverage.

Obsession of the New York Yankees and the Boston Red Sox gave them the nickname Epstein's and Steinbrenner's Personal Network. This baseball branch of ESPN focuses only on:

  • Joba Chamberlain's Call up to the major leagues
  • Joba Chamberlain as a possible Cy Young Candidate (No F***ing Joke)
  • Joba Chamberlain's Injury
  • A special Joba Chamberlain update segment, informing people every 15 minutes of Joba Chamberlain's whereabouts, including when he woke up, took a dump, where he ate breakfast, catching him enter a nightclub.

Proof: http://sports.espn.go.com/keyword/search?searchString=Joba+Chamberlain&page=espn.

  • Manny Ramirez being Manny Ramirez
  • Manny being Manny totally owning Angels Noobs
  • Manny Ramirez being traded to the Los Angeles Dodgers totally owning Mets Noobs
  • Manny being traded to the LA Dodgers
  • Manny Ramirez winning the Gold Glove, Silver Slugger, and AL/NL MVP awards
  • Manny Ramirez envy

Proof: http://search.espn.go.com/keyword/search?searchString=Manny%20Ramirez&source=nav&page=espn


ESPN Hockey Coverage[edit]

Sidney Crosby, crying as usual.

For approximately twenty seconds during SportsCenter, the host will repeatedly yell "Sidney Crosby" over and over again while showing highlights of Gary Bettman and Sidney Crosby making out. That concludes ESPN's daily coverage of the NHL.


Effects of the writer's strike on ESPN programming[edit]

The recent outbreak of a strike among Hollywood writers has hit ESPN especially hard. Without anyone to write scripts for the games, the players of the games have been left hopelessly confused. The burden of writing new weekly sports games has fallen on the network's producers, staff, and janitors. "It's been quite a stressful time, trying to come up with dramatic plots for baseball games every single day," says one executive. Many fans have criticized recent games as poorly written, and the pressure is extremely high on ESPN workers to put out some high-quality material. Commentators, too, have suffered as a result of the writer's strike. During one memorable football game, the overstressed producers only managed to get one line written for the game's commentator, and it was "This is a football game." Extremely nervous, the commentator settled on simply repeating the line over and over again. At one point, he was so nervous he accidentally said "This is a table tennis game." ESPN had hit a new low. Meanwhile, no end is in sight for the writer's strike. "We're hoping to deal with the strikers by ignoring them completely, sort of like lamp posts," says an official, "Our strategy is to leave them standing outside until they get cold and ask to come back in." When asked if, perhaps, it would be best to stop staging games and actually let the teams play each other without pre-planned outcomes, he said, "Are you nuts? Who'd wanna watch that?"

Famous ESPN Psychics[edit]

ESPN's torture school ESPN U with their sick slogan "Never Graduate."
  • Stuart Scott - Slave of former Houston Astros pitcher Mike Scott. Stewart developed his lazy eye after Mike threw a split fingered fastball at Stewart after shouting "Boo-yah" 35 times in a row.
  • Jim Rome - Hates everything. Just like some senile old guy, only in a 45-year old's body.
  • John Madden - A senile old guy in a 75-year old's body, with the extraordinary talent of drawing numerous penises on the screen without realizing it. Loves Brett Favre. A lot.
  • Kenny Mayne - He used to be cool, until he started doing commercials for Progressive. No relation to New York Mets pitcher John Maine. He works out by playing softball with Jimmy Kimmel once a year.
  • Suzy Kolber - Her claim to fame was getting hit on by Joe Namath.
  • Chris Berman - Often confused with Boomer Esiason, his career has been pushed way back-back-back! Has a history of saying the worst sports-related innuendo on air. In a recent New Orleans Saints game, while commenting on the extra use of Duece McAllister over Reggie Bush, he said "The Saints prefer to keep their Bush well Deuced in order to keep things smelling like a Brees."
  • Orel Hershiser - Known for being named Orel. Seriously, who names their kid Orel!?
  • Joe Morgan - Known for his point-out-the-obvious quotes on Sunday Night Baseball including "Now the way to win ballgames is to score runs and I think the team that scores the most runs is going to win the ballgame" and "You see, the pitcher's job is to pitch to the catcher and if the catcher doesn't catch, then maybe he shouldn't be the catcher". He also slights the Mets at any possible opportunity, including during Royals-Indians games (which he only gets away with because no one is watching).
  • Stephen A. Smith - The loudest, and dumbest psychic on the staff, notorious for his repetitive and stupid commentary. Also enjoys eating Cheez Doodles, and is the winner 5 years straight of the "Loudest idiot in the universe" award. He was defeated by Rush Limbaugh last year.
  • Skip Bayless - Known for hating LeBron James. When Skip wakes up, the first thing he does is put on his "James" jersey, goes to his backyard and pretends he is making game-winning shots in the Q. But he realized his penis will always be a fraction of the size of Lebron's, so he takes his frustration out on him on television in the form of self-indulging, JokimNoah-like rants about Lebron's ability. This makes him feel accomplished, like people might actually care what some nonathletic white man might think. Although Skip does contributed to day-time television by providing much needed comic relief in the middle of a tough work day. It is also rumored that he keeps a bottle of baby powder on his night stand.

Related Channels and HD broadcasting[edit]

Several spinoff channels devoted to ESPN have been founded, including the creatively titled "ESPN 2" and "ESPN 3." The spinoff channels are exactly identical, often showing the exact same games simultaneously, with subtle alterations to the volume levels to make them sound slightly different. Also, "ESPN classic" is devoted to "classic" moments in sports, meaning that it shows all of the exact same games that ESPN shows, simply a day afterwards. Currently, ESPN 4 is in the works, though strangely enough, it will be a channel devoted to Turkish yodelers. It is expected to be a marginal success. ESPN, and all its related channels, also broadcast in High Definition Television that is so realistic, it is actually more realistic then seeing the game in person. "Yes, watching a sports game on High Definition is more realistic than actually going to see the game," says the manager of one stadium, "That's why I've started selling tickets to the HDTV in my living room. I've been making a fortune."

Why Does ESPN Torture Everyone?[edit]

They're owned by Disney. You know, the same people who force teenage girls to worship the Jonas Brothers? They'll do anything for a quick buck.

ESPN Employees[edit]

ESPN management, employees and related persons are not only slothful and greedy, they are incompetent as well. The most well-known characteristic of ESPN employees is laziness for which they are deservedly famous.

References[edit]

   v  d  e
ESPN is part of Uncyclopedia's series on Mass Media.