EVE-Online

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“EVE was an enjoyable experience, until I had the misfortune of entering 0.2 space on a whim and my brand new Vexor was immediately destroyed by pirates. Three months of mining Veldspar all gone to waste!”

~ Oscar Wilde on EVE Online


EVE Online is a rpg fanboy driven persistent-world massively multiplayer online game (MMOG) set in the deep reaches of your mum in which players pilot pretend spaceships. It is allegedly developed by an Icelandic company called City College Plymouth, but there's precious little evidence of any development. EVE is reknowned for being a fantastic, well designed online game that was intended for a select few people (mostly Europeans). CCP has moved to expand the player base as of late in order to give existing players new targets to kill. Unfortunately, this game is SO boring that even your mother will fall asleep instantly.

Background[edit]

The fictional background story is unimportant, drawing on the best traditions of clichéd science fiction. There are five stereotyped races, Minmatar, Caldari, Gallente, Amarr and genetically altered Jove. The Caldari are boring industrialists, the Gallente are horny frenchies, the Amarr religious nuts and the other race, former slaves. Players can create hot babes of any race, but unfortunately the designers only let you see their heads and a little bit of cleavage, so it's actually kind of annoying.

There is also a non-player race, The Jove, which is there to ensure that there is at least one thread a week is created on the official Eve Online forums asking when the Jove will be playable.

The Eve universe is split into three areas, Empire, Low Sec and 0.0. Empire is where most of the players live doing missions are crafting. People called Nigel who in real life work in quality assurance, wear brown lab coats, carry a clipboard and talk in a whiney voice inhabit Low Sec. 0.0 is mostly empty, but when you stumble across a player, he will be 37 years old and still living in his mom’s house.

Eve is unique in that all players inhabit the same space instead of different servers. This makes it easier for veteran players to seek out and destroy new players. This is accomplished as the new player's ship is de-activated, and slowly beaten with lazers or missles as the veteran players send taunting messages. Once the ship is destroyed, the player is left encased in a pod for a brief second before that too is vaporized and the player killed. When a player "dies" his spirit moves to a clone and his body is left floating in space, a freeze-dried trophy for the veteran player who ganked him.

It is widely theorized that the Eve player base hasn't changed at all for years as newer players are routinely weeded out by older players. Soon, new people realize it will literally take years of fruitless grinding to accomplish nothing at all while enduring constant ridicule and ostracization by veteran players

This is Quafe. A shitty ripoff of Sprite that Evetards buy.

Graphics[edit]

To create this MMORPG, CCP spent seventeen years of development time on Good Graphics. As an after thought they spent two and a quarter days deciding on how to create the most slow-paced gameplay in the entire world. Like a mouse after the cheese, unaware gamers are often dazzled by Eve's seductive tendancies, and whore with her for fourteen days. After that time, the player either spends two-years of his God given life staring at an image of a spaceship slowing grinding an asteriod while dreaming of what fun he'll have when he gets the next best space ship, (which is a lie of course), OR else he'll realize how hollow the game really is. AND RIP OFF her paper-thin mask to reveal behind it the uninspired middle-aged developers responsible for this monstrosity. FOR SHAME ICELAND! FOR SHAME!

Gameplay[edit]

Eve could quite possibly be the most complicated MMORPG in existence. This level of complexity does a fantastic job of keeping away retards who play games like EverQuest, Bejeweled, The Sims, or Deer Hunter. Unfortunately, those with the intellegence and patience to navigate the intricate character creation process and lengthy tutorial are soon beaten and humiliated by the existing player base forcing them to log out and Dance.

Screenshot of an Amarr Battleship. A new Eve Online player can expect to fly one after 2 and a half (amarren)years of playing.

Skills[edit]

The accumulation and development of skills in Eve Online is one of the things that sets it apart from other MMORPGs. It is also one of the most irritating things in existence. Instead of earning experience, Eve players purchase and upload the skills into their brains. While this sounds neat, like when Trinity learned to fly a helicopter in the Matrix, it is more like watching old people fuck. It takes from 30 minutes to a week or more to learn a single skill meaning it can take months to accumulate the required skills to fit and fly certain ships. Never mind trying to survive as veteran players will soon destroy you, take your worthless stuff and sport your freeze-dried corpse in their cargo hold. The skill system was designed to discourage new players from playing Eve Online.

Economy[edit]

The developers are really chuffed with the Eve economy. It is totally player driven. Third world farmers mine and run missions to generate the in game currency (ISK). This is then bought by western pilots to buy cool stuff. Alternatively a CCP developer will spawn a BPO which allows easy ISK creation. Unfortunately, new players fail to make much money in Eve as mining, trading and item creation are all controlled by veteran players who conspire against new players and discourage them from playing.

"WARNING: in order to make money through contracts, you MUST make private contracts when selling stuff (this way you won't have to pay ridiculous amounts of tax). Its too long to explain this here, but ask people in Jita (the market hub of eve) on how to sell stuff with private contracts, and they will help you (prolly through private chats). You can thank me later for saving you so much ISK."

The above, found posted on this very website, is an example of the kind of misguided, condescending bullshit help a new player can expect from a veteran Eve player. Notice that even though you are told to go ask someone else and no substantial advice was given, you are still reminded to thank the person for giving the advice.

Ships[edit]

Instead of "avatars" as is commonly found in other MMORPG's, players in Eve are represented in game by the ships they fly. They can range from small, easily destroyed Frigates and larger, easily destroyed Cruisers, to massive, easily destroyed Battleships and Battlecruisers. There are also ships bigger than space stations called Carriers and Dreadnaughts. New people however will never own or even see one of these huge, powerful ships as they are very expensive and the majority of existing players frown upon other, newer players learning or having fun. Special, extremely powerful ships called Interceptors, Heavy Attack Cruisers and Command Ships have been placed in the game solely for the amusement of the existing player base.

Combat[edit]

A Malediction Interceptor. A great ship, but useless if you have no friends, the veterans discourage you from playing or you just fell asleep again.

This is discouraged. Mainly BEcause THere is no real fighting involved, just choosing what you want to attempt to destroy and watching. (or not watching, and insted getting some food or doing something more fun then this "game")

Guilds[edit]

Guilds are called corporations in Eve online. Corporations can then glue together to form Alliances. The vast majority of alliance players are really crappy and hide behind their alliance. The purpose of alliances is to prevent new players from playing.

Warfare[edit]

Certain alliances, bored with pushing around new subscribers, find they have no one left to fight but themselves and declare war on each other. These wars may be fought in Empire space or in 0.0 but really there is no difference. Warfare of any sort is designed by developers and veteran players to persuade new players to stop playing.

Piracy[edit]

Piracy in Eve consists of people who are sick of mining and just want to blow miners up. This practice is highly frowned upon and constantly persecuted by CCP. Piracy is also a veiled attempt by veteran players to prevent new players from playing Eve.

Mining[edit]

Mining in Eve is similar to World of Warcraft except that it has lazer beams and takes like 6 hours to do and 2 years to actually achieve something.

Mission Running[edit]

Probably the only chance an average player has of making money free from interference by the assholes already playing is to run missions. The downside is all the missions are more or less the same and the rewards are small. Fly here, kill this, go get this, all for a small amount of isk or 30 worthless slaves. Every once in awhile you will get a mission called "Worlds Collide" whose sole purpose is to clog the local chat channels with "got WC, ned hlp plz." Mission running gets old after the first completed mission.


Idiots[edit]

It is widely accepted that Eve Online was developed as a form of psychological torture. Eve is a brilliantly crafted game with a fun premise in a unique world without all the stupid, played out elf and dwarf bullshit associated with fantasy titles like World of Warcraft and D&D. While this seems like a haven for gamers who wish to hide from the millions of retards with computers found at other MMORPG's, these gamers soon find EVE is not such a haven, as it is populated by other, considerably less friendly retards with computers.

Boredom[edit]

The mightiest weapon in universe of EVE - the Nerf Bat!

With few things to actually do and enemies being either too easy or too hard to kill and a veteran player base that fucking hates you, the average EVE player will find the majority of their time playing the game spent docked in the space station. Browsing the market for shit they can't buy or use... Searching for agents that cannot be used... Listening to the chatter on the local or corp channels... Tuning in to Eve-Radio[1]... Sounds like the veterans of the corp are looking for someone to haul Mercoxit to Jita tomorrow.

Well okay, if you are:

1) Married and hate your wife. 2) Over 40 and still a virgin. 3) Don't have a life (That's a prerequisite to playing this game, too). 4) A priest. 5) Russian.

Then you might enjoy 0.0 (zero-zero) warfare, which is basically shooting stationary towers (called POS'es, acronym for Piece Of Shit) for a while, log off and wait until the tower runs out of fuel (which is something unpronouncable), then log back in and get raped by lag.

Developer Misconduct[edit]

Recently, a player by the name of Kugutsumen (in the words of T20, the innocent commie hating patriot "for heresy and inciting rebellion, you shall be drawn and quartered") discovered the developers of EVE Online were not only discouraging new players from joining, but were also playing the games secretly and aiding Band of Brothers, the most powerful alliance in the game. There were also allegations that many of the "player-driven" things in the game were really influenced in secret by developers. This has led to an enormous public outcry on the part of EVE players. Although, the players themselves are unsure exactly what they are crying out about. I mean, come on, how do you react when you find out that the developers of your game have been lying.

Social Hypocrisy[edit]

"Can I have your stuff?" is the usual phrase retorted when somebody decides they are quitting Eve.


"Proof or STFU." Another commonism in Eve life.

"You should have sent a friend ahead to see if it was dangerous, it's your fault you were killed."


Showing Off[edit]

FRAPS!

FRAPS is a tool for capturing the display of your computer and storing it in a seamless video of non stop action. It is capable of catching the fullscreen at full frame rate on sufficiently powerful computers.

However this is completely wasted on Eve. Eve is a game where 3 Frame per Second would be more than adequate, since combat only requires you to press F1 through F8 and wait eleven minutes for the outcome.

When making yet another pointless Eve video remember the following guidelines, which can be seen in every Eve video released so far.

1. Playback of the video should be at no less than 3x normal speed. Seriously, if word gets out that Eve combat is fuck boring, heads will roll.[Citation not needed at all; thank you very much] Speed it up, make it look exciting.

2. Remove everything but enemies from the overview. If people see the rest of your team destroying that battleship instead of your Velator rookie ship, you will be a laughing stock.

3. Make out that you have never lost a ship. Denial is supreme in Eve.

4. FRAPS does not come with the complete back catalogue of Rammstein tracks; you must include one from your own selection. If Rammstein is not in your mp3 collection, sample yourself screaming down the microphone while positioned in railway sidings. A video without metal does not sufficiently make the point that you are indeed very hard and edgy.