Earthbound

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Earthbound is a ritualistic cult dedicated to the worship of Oprah Winfrey, bride of Satan (Not to be confused with the French hero Mr. Satan.) Every day they are forced to watch recaps of her talkshow, they buy what she tells them to, for the ongoing sacrifice of their incessant materialistic toil will one day bring her complete masters of her Capitalist-Sith powers and dominion eternal over the world.

Founded in the year 1312 by the first of the Uglo-Americans just before it suffered from an acute case of death, the drunken rambling responsible for inspiring Earthbound had its roots even further into the past. In a date well before recorded history, but generally accepted as the year 666goatse by a local certified hobo, the demonic squid presently named Cthulhu finally arrived at the Earth via an imposingly large black engraved slab of highly radioactive OMFGROFL. Quickly deciding that the cost controlled rent would be worth the social price living upon this inbred mudball of a planet would bring to him, Cthulhu threw his outdated spacecraft deep into the soil.

Historians believe this destructive act was what drove dinosaurs to extinction, created the grand canyon and mutated perfectly happy apes into the destructive freak of nature you are today. Climatologists likewise believe that the slab is still sinking deeper into the core of the world, and will one day cause everything that we know to be destroyed when the building heat and pressure from Mother Earth's Womb Defense Forces force it to voilently detonate in a cloud of specualtion. Of course, any learned man could tell you that shall not matter, as the zombie and robot hordes responsible would have already finished purging the last traces of humanity by the date 9021/4, and they are both immune to the harmful effects of speculation.

It was that very slab that inspired the eventual creation of Mommy Loves Me, a book so unholy only Bill Gate's Windows Users Manual and the Director's Cut of The Bible had surpassed it for vileness in the minds of an otherwise jaded populace. Though the surviving copies of the latter two books elude them yet, Lupin III and Harrison Ford were believed to have stolen away every last copy of the third most evil book in existance for the large FBI warehouse already famed for being the storage place for the Ark of the Covenant, the Holy Grail, and the holiday fruitcake when people everywhere no longer have a reason to hand it off to each other frantically.

The name "Earthbound" is actually a mistranslation of the original script left in place by Big Brother to save our puny balls from imploding. Were the cult's true name even contemplated, God would be forced to extend his love to the blasphemer by thoroughly smiting them upside the head.


Earthbound: The Game Documentary[edit]

Charged with more counts of molestation of a minor than even Mr. T could shake a stick at (and that's a helluva lot, foo!), rabid furry fan and Earthbound junior cultist leader Michael Jackson plea bargained his sentence down only a few months of community service spend supervising the first real interactive documentary of the shadowdy machinations of his mistress. This documentary became a video game released for the Superior Neon Genesis Evangelion System in 1886, centuries before the Judgement Day Earthbound has unleashed would crush every last one of our frail mortal souls in its loving cuddle of death. In Japan, this game is called Mother2 (not to be confused with Yo' Mama), because Michael Jackson was trying to make a new breed of woman oblivious enough to abandon their children to his deviant tastes.

Released to a mixed worldwide reaction, plans were still made for a sequal to this piece before Oprah, in her demonic ire publically cursed the original documentary's director to slowly turn into a talentless white girl. Humanity has yet to find another cultist willing to risk their existence and give more vital details of Earthbound's movements to the jedi ninja watching over and protecting us all.

Despite the ongoing threat it poses to Oprah's cult, Earthbound has a large fanbase of Satan worshippers who lenjoy it for the sole reason that they can commune with the underworld spirits attempting to sodomize their face every time their gaming system runs power through the cartridge's sorcerous patterns.

Ironically, this hellish mockery of a game has been credited for shocking most antiWinfreyists today to the realization that she, in fact, was the bride of Satan. Said one avid gamer and spy for the jedi ninja, Reid Young, to the member of some news team or other: "Well, I didn't realize she was evil until I went and took a look at this game. I mean, it was giving off evil, y'know? Waves. Waves of evil; waves upon waves upon waves. And then I realized: Hey, if this game was saying Oprah was totally rad, and if this game was totally evil, then Oprah must, in fact, be totally evil. Look, I'm late. If you have any more questions, I'll be deep undercover within the cultists' lair, working to take the group down from the inside. Wait, is this live?"

Overview of a Earthbound, The Sexiest Game in the Universe[edit]

The documentary starts off forcing the young Jackson you control to meet up with a favored servant to Oprah, her demonic bug Buzzed. Jackson once explained this and every other not-really-interactive moment running the length of the documentary as the way his parents and pet monkey Bubbles fostered their failed dreams upon his tender youth.

After having to save your scrawny persona's ass from a time travelling Fark assassin, buzzed orders you to get him eight "Phat Beats" from the top eight strip clubs of the nation of Denmark (It should be noted here that these "Phat Beats" are in fact not "phat" at all, and in fact cause cancer in lab rats.). Before getting smashed in a bad way by a spatula, Buzzed engaged in a lengthly session of kitten huffing with Michael Jackson, excusing both the disjointed presentation and clashing neon colors confronting a viewer between violent underworld spirit skull fuckings through the remainder of the documentary. This spatula was later used to flip burgers for Michael Moore.


In Earthbound, you will get to control a cast consisting of:

Michael Jackson - A slow 13 year-old child molester who believes he can revive the dead and restore his stolen childhood using the power of kill; this is represented by the one white glove and plastic surgery he spends the entirely of the documentary dressed in.

Martha Stewart - A "girl" who regularly lactates cooking fires using his mind, but prefers to attack using his frying pan because it is more fitting with his distinct personality.

Bill Gates - A nerdling who thinks Michael will be the key to calling his Borg masters down to assimilate our world. His only trusted friend in the entire game is a male blow-up doll named Tony The Tiger.

Mr. Hankey - Oprah's favored samurai-slave dwarf. Known only by his stage name, the younger Michael of yesteryear had to rescue Mr. Hankey from a boring desk job for the vaguely more mature look needed to trick access into the strip clubs his deceased employer had wanted him to visit.


The game is most memorable for its enemies list, consisting of demonic nemeses such as:

  • The Mani Mani Statue, a demonic device composed completely of crack that manages to form a cult of paint sniffing youth and eventually kills the mayor of Fourside, only to be destroyed shorty after while drinking coffee in the local starbucks.
  • The New Age Retro Hippie, who can use a ruler to measure your height or length.
  • The local KKK branch in Rest In Peace Valley.
  • A walking, talking "Shrooom!" that likes to "Disrupt your senses" and "Scatter some spores".
  • The Unassuming Local Guy, who occasionally drops a hamburger.
  • The Starmen, a group of hyperintelligent lifeforms who are destroying your planet for some reason that they never got around to telling you. These Starmen are shaped roughly like humans, but with tentacles for hands and feet and heads. See tentacle porn.
  • The entire police force of the small town you start in, who put up a road block for no apparent reason.
  • A little fat kid who no one likes, usually distinguished by his blue overalls and his infatuation with the soilage of sand in Scaraba Desert.


During your stay, you are treated to re-cap scenes over a cup of coffee of unknown origin, served by a "Mr. Saturn." (Mr. Satan in Japan.) The Mr. Saturn are a tribe of heads. They r dumb. Their language is UNAMERICAN, and all of their speech bubbles were hand-written by a four-year-old, such that the letter 1 was replaced by the word "PENIS." During the coffee scene, the background melts into luxurious reds and browns that stretch and float all over the screen in what is obviously induced by a Acid infused cup of coffee. During this, you are given insight into the future and past: A space entity of pure evil named "Regis Philbin" has teamed up with your fattest childhood friend in order to take over the known universe, and you and your team of redneck parabolic communist-bat-wielding teenagers are the only hope the world has, as was foretold by the Snapple of Enlightenment.


The final boss is Google (meaning "fart cloud" in Fghdfgbdfb). Google (A.K.A. scrambled porn) is defeated by Martha praying to God, who serves no use throughout the game, eventually asking God and you to save her ass. The television and the console then blow up leading to the lost city of Atlantis. Meanwhile, the game implores you to pray for the safety of your electronic character by your full name, which was obtained by brainwave sensors in the game cartridge.


The cartridge is also gay....

Walkthrough[edit]

Omlette[edit]

Here you must help Michael find out why the hell a meteorite landed on top of his neighbor's house. You discover a porn star alien who tries to give you some, but instead dies due to an orgasm attack. He leaves you with an iRock and tells you to collect the 8 phat beats from the strip clubs found across the world. You then encounter a bunch of hippies and make your way to "Giant Knockers." There, Titanic Nipple attacks you. Defeat him to get the first phat beat: "Where'd You Go." The Police Department busts you at the strip club and you must beat Captian Slippyfists, a sick child molestor. But since he knows you too well, backs off.

Threesome[edit]

In Threesome you find the owner of a stripper named "Lil' Baby Bitch." She says that the Rest in Piece KKK Branch kiddnaped her to get some bootay!" When you return Lil' Baby Bitch will reveal her name as Martha Stewart. During the game she will get kiddnapped several times until you really don't give a shit. The second phat beat is located at Splurge Steps. When you enter you must defeat a hairy mole. Kill it to get the second phat beat: "I'm in Luv Wit a Stripper."

Dreed[edit]

You enter Dreed and is ambushed by horny zombies. They lock you in a dungeon with a new weapon, the dildo. Using Microsoft Outlook you contact Bill Gates and he comes and rescues you. With his "help" you defeat the Disco Boogie Tent. Then you give the dildo to the zombies and they'll go to their graves in peace. Then hop on the bus.

Saturn Valley[edit]

You'll make a pit stop at a village where the erotic Mr. Saturns live. They tell of the Mrs. Jupiters and Orgasmo, who run the local strip club where you'll find the third phat beat. Inside you'll fight some shit that Ben Affleck left behind. Kill it to get the third phat beat: "Pump It."

Gobi Desert[edit]

In an unfortunate incident, a dead baby in the middle of the road causes a traffic jam. You must go into the desert and go to the other side. Along the way you'll meet two seaseme seeds who have rough sex and the Coke Bros, who is only intereseted in potatos and drugs. They give you cocanie to help you on your quest. From there you must go into New Pork City.

New Pork City[edit]

When you enter the city, you'll see that fat people are evrywhere. Crazed signs that have "Wisconsin" on them will attack you. You go into the store to get some food when you see a strip club run by aliens on the top floor. When you enter, you'll be ambushed by a bunch of Rod Stewart CDs. Kill the robot to get another phat beat: "Smack That."

South Park[edit]

When you go into this town, head to the small Starks Pond and kill Shroom inside a mob-held strip club to get the fifth phat beat: "Slap Dat Ho"

Shitside and Fagola Cloud[edit]

Everything in Shitside is made of poo. Here you'll meet Mr. Hankey. Then go up to Fagola Cloud, a gay strip club in which hot and horny men get on top of you. Fend off Tom Cruise to get another phat beat: "Right n' Dirty."

Stonehenge[edit]

When you get into stonehenge, you'll be fighting some drunk irishmen. Go into the strip club and kill Lil' Orphan Annie to get a seventh phat beat: "Letterbomb."

Jurassic Park[edit]

Get ready to fight off with Hydro Cat and Crystal Cat in the Lesbian Strip Club. When you killed them, go into the back to learn the final phat melody: "Oh Penis." With all the melodies, you create Smiles and Tears.

Neverland[edit]

Here in this perverted, yet highly erotic for child abusers, land, you will face you toughest challange yet: Children. You'll have to fight off a gay child orgy in oder to go into Super Saiyan Mode, in which you become SUPER MICHAEL JACKSON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111!111!!!!1!!!1

Cave of the Future![edit]

Before you can enter the Cave of the Future! by DISNEY, you have to pay 100€. From there, you have a whore off with Paris Hilton and her bitch, Google. Shove Google up your ass and Paris runs away. You then return home, knowing that the world is safe......or is it?

See Also[edit]

Earthbound 2: Paris Hilton Strikes Back!

Earthbound Zero: Birth of a Slut

External Links for Pussies[edit]

The World of MOTHER3

STARMEN.NET