Earthbound 2

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Eartbound 2 (MOTHER3)
Paris Hilton Strikes Back!
Developer HAL OVER 9000
Release Date June 7, 7777
Genre Role playing
Platforms Nintendo GameGirl Advance
Rating M for Mature
Would Conan play it? Hell yeah!

Earthbound 2 is the final game in the Earthbound series. It was not brought over to the United States because Nintendo pussed out AGAIN! Earthbound 2 was originally scheduled for the Commodre64 but was cancelled after an angry soccer mom protested the use of 3D graphics. Earthbound 2 was then released for the GameGirl Advance with 2D graphics.


It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. Earthbound 2 tells the story of a group of unique individuals who will unite to save the world. Kinda like Power Rangers except, you know, interesting. The story will range from a 1337 cowboy trying to kill the gangsta that shot up his gal to a cowardly boy who saves the world...Kinda...How will the story unfold? Find out in one of the hottest video games EVAR!


  • George Lucas - a sissy kid who wants nothing more than peace and quiet. He is capable of using BSI powers. His weapons are random sticks he finds lying on the ground.
  • Claus the Great - a hardcore bastard of a child who likes to eat the heads off of animals! He disapears early in the game. He has no weapons 'cause he's a pimp, fool!
  • Ed Gein - An serial killer who currently works at McDonalds. He is regarded as the sexiest man alive. His weapons are severed human feet.
  • Angelina Jolie - The hottest woman alive. She is also a master of BSI powers. Her weapons are too sexy to mention here. *wink wink*
  • Brian Griffin - A dog who constantly gets arousal from Angelina Jolie. His only weapon is the Dog's Weapon, which is actually a goddamned bone.
  • Clint Eastwood - The father of Geroge Lucas and Claus the Great, Clint is a badass, rugged cowboy. He's considered the sexiest man on the Lower East Side. His weapons are his own bare fists.
  • Elvis - A disco monkey who's better than Emmit Smith on Dancing With the Stars. He can dance like there's no freakin' tommorow! His weapons are feces. (Get it? 'Cause he's a monkey! And monkeys...throw their...Uh...Hm...Umm...Oh, just forget it.)
  • Pamela Anderson - The wife of Clint Eastwood. She dies during the game after some gansta shoots up the place. Clint then goes on a quest to beat the shit outta dat punk! Word.

A Detailed Story Outline[edit]



After naming your characters, you are immediately taken to a screen that says "Welcome to my face." Then, it shows an island, then a couple of places, then fades out...Then, you hear someone knocking on your door. It's Claus the Great! He's telling George Lucas to get his ass outta bed and go outside to play. Take George downstairs and talk to your mom. She tells you to go and get dressed. Answer no, and she'll hit you so hard you'll lose 10 HP! Go and get dressed and go outside. Head east to see Claus the Great ramming a Dragon (Pun not intended). He tells you to ram him to. Just make the little bastard happy and ram it. Then, you'll get to fight (and by fight, I mean kick the shit out of) a mole cricket! O glorous! Squash it and your mom will call you for some pancakes. Then, Pamela will write a letter to Clint and send it off via Carrier Pigeon. Just as she goes inside, though, a flying Hot Pocket crash lands in the forest.

Chapter 1: Night of the ho's murder[edit]


You now take control of Clint Eastwood. Thomas, the local village idiot wants to investigate the mysterious forest fire with you. Take him along and head into the Terry Hatcher Forest. Head north until you are attacked by Fireflies. But these aren't ordinary fireflies, they're SUPERfireflies! :O Then go into the house up north to see a fatass with a pid fetish blow it up. Anyway, go back to town and it starts to rain. Go home to read the letter from Pam, with an attached picture from her "special tape. After Clint has "happy time", the entire town will go on the search for Pamela and the boys. After seeing one of Pamela's breast implants stuck in a tree, Ed helps Clint get up there and get it. They then see more pig lovers. They make a gigantic thing that is the bastard child of Rudolf the red-nosed reindeer and a robot and it attacks the gang! After beating it up, the pig lovers escape on their flying hot pocket. Later that night, the boys are found, but word reaches out to Clint that Pamela was killed after a gangsta gave her a drive-by. The next day, Claus the Great goes to avenge his mother by poppin' a cap in that gangsta's ass. Follow him and you'll meet the local drag queen division, where you all become BFFs. Anyway, you'll finally find the gangsta. Give him some of your skillz to bring him down. However, Claus the Great is missing, too! Oh shit, son!

Chapter 2: Assasination Adventure[edit]


Ed got his ass chewed out by his Dad, Jeffery, to make him go into Osnap's Castle and go find the missing Bong that is worth a lot because it gives the perfect trip. David goes through a graveyard and through a night of the living dead rip-off. He then follows the Rabbit who was late down the hole in his house and ended up in OSnaps's Castle. He climbs a wall and sees a photo with Womanly Eyes staring at him. He then used the thinker to break the floor and fell down just so a ghost could vomit all over his face! He then eats some shrooms and feels better. However, he has to go upstairs to a drug-laden party with the ghost. They appear stoned and invisible, for obvious reasons. Since David wanted the bong because he's secretly wants to use it to escape his Dad's bullshit, he contiunes to go upstairs. Then, he saw Angelina Jolie jump from the roof and dropped her panties. David collects the dirty, dirty laundry for certain, naughty purposes, and then goes to fight Mr. Passion, who had passion for Ed. After the long passion given, David found what he was looking for, and went ALL the way back to give it to his Dad. Jeffery goes apeshit, due to the fact that Ed picked up not the ultimate bong, but an old man's toilet pot. However, the pig lovers went in to find the Bong for their master, and they also found Angelina bein' sexy, they all go search for the bong. Finding it first before the pig lovers, they remembered it was booby trapped (haha pun) and they get dropped down into scat, having to fight the Oh-So-Stoned Snake! Upon defeating it, they get drowned in snake guts with the bong, and made it the the Golden Shower River where Lighter and Dr. Zoidberg saved them. They were split up, and they all went exploring for that dumbass Ed who has the bong!

Chapter 3: The Mysterious Traveling Terrorist[edit]


Poor disco monkey Elvis just can't get a break. Just as he's about to make sweet love to his bitch, Jessica Simpson, when Osama "The Trash" Bin Laden takes him on board the Mother Pocket. They then go through the Gobi Desert and finnaly wind up in Tazmily Village. Then then find a place to stay at the inn. The next day, some local nerds challenge Osama to a Dance Dance Revolution dance off. He trains Elvis to dance, and the compettition begins.After he wins, Elvis opens up his own delivery service, in which he must hand deliver Happy Boxes to the citizens. Afterwards, Jeffery and Agelina Jolie save Elvis and fight a stolen military tank. In the end, Geroge Lucas comes with a Dragon and the dragon totally ruins the pig crew's shit.

Chapter 4: Big fruity boyband concert[edit]

Three years after the Mysterious Traveling Terrorist appeared, Tazmily has been filled with Happy boxes by Osama and the Pig lovers. Everyone too old to know how to use one has been sent into Old Man's Paradise: a nursing home disguised as a miniature replica of a Guantanamo Bay interrogation compound, when really it's Ed Gein's's house after hurricane Katrina. Thomas is still the village idiot, and people have started using money, because fat-ass told them too.

George Lucas is now a whiny little teenager. He sets off under Wes's instructions to find Ed and the Bong on the east side, as Osama's Pig lovers have Jeffery stuck in Guantanamo Bay with their giant nets made from pubic hair. All George Lucas knows is that Mr. Gein is on da' East side. Is it da' best? Well, after getting stopped by Mr. T for a safety lesson, having his BSI powers unlocked by a naked Transgypsie in a hot tub on a hill, and nearly being killed by creatures stright from a living aid trip, George Lucas finds that da' East side is where the plastic used to make Happy boxes is mined with giant retards made from that same plastic. George Lucas gets a job re-inflating said retards, and gets paid a few hundred dollars and a Happy Ending at the Big Fruity Boyband Concert.

As it turns out, the boyband performing is N'sync, led by the White OJ Simpson. *note: OJ is the only Eartbound 2 character whose voice you can hear, as his is high pitched enough for the GameGirl Advance's speakers to play. You can only hear him counting and speaking Engrish.* Angelina Jolie is a waitress there, but she has to wear a Yoshi costume. After N'sync's performance, Mr. Lucas is invited to Ms. Jolie's bedroom where they "spend quality time together".

After George Lucas and Brian get stoned in the attic, systematically genociding all the old musical instruments with BSI powers, they drop into Ed's room and George Lucas plays Rock Paper Scissors with all the N'sync members. Ed Gein, still thinking he's a member of N'sync from the ultimate bong, puts down his happenin' afro wig and leaves with George Lucas, Angelina Jolie, and Brian Griffin the dog to find the Bong.

Chapter 5: The Tower of WTF[edit]

You wake up on the 44th floor of a tower that resembles a an unmentionable part of the human body wearing a top hat and a thick mustache. Once you work your way down to the first floor you'll find a machine of plot conveniance left by the Saturn Valley Bears. Once you activate it you get to make a daring escape which includes matrix styled cutscenes and a train crash.

Chapter 6: Field of Pretty Yellow Flowers[edit]

Outside, you find yourself in a field filled with pretty yellow flowers. You are attacked by a gang of pig lovers. When they are done with, Clint Eastwood comes over and explains some shit. Anyway, you have to find the legendary 7 hash pipes to restore peace somehow.

Chapter 7: The 7 hash pipes[edit]

Ok... this chapter is THE longest chapter and is so long, not even n00bs would do this chapter! Well actually they'd just go use some dumb cheat because thats how n00bish they are.. bitch. At the end of this chapter George Lucas is attack by a masked man.

Chapter 8: Everything and All Things Can Fit into Paris Hilton's Hole (and that's a fact)[edit]

After you get the 6th hash pipe from the Chupiyopiyopi.....What Ever Temple, a giant flying limo will come and take you away to the mystical wonderland of New Really Lame Parody of York City, and then the chauffer bitch abandons George Lucas and his bitches to ruin the shit of the one behind the death of George Lucas' parents and the Pig lovin' army: Paris Hilton. After going through the sewers and getting high with some really tall dude, the gang goes and climbs the most random tower in all existance, going through such obsticals as Bush gardens, the revival of double dare, and fighting the megazord's retarded brother who also has a pig fetish. Upon finding Paris, the ultimate hissy fit ensues, with ends in that way everyone expected: Paris makes her usual retarded bitch move and locks herself up for all eternity in a steel ball. Claus the great can no longer take it anymore and kills himself. Lucas destroys the world. Good times, good times.