“Whatever happened to Jim? We used to huff kittens together behind the big tree. Those were good times.”
“Earthworm Jim is an earthworm, 'Jim' is just a name. There is no such animal as a 'Jim', if there is, he would be called 'Earthworm Jim Jim'”
“His voice sounds nothing like mine!”
“Well, there's gold, and then there are pants.”
“Motherf**king worm in a motherf**king suit!”
Earthworm Jim (1975-?) is regarded as the most chivalrous annelid to ever live, and served as Emporer of Japan from 1993-1998. He starred in several uberly 1337 games, and a saturday morning cartoon that rivaled NBC's Friends in the ratings. His career was cut short after several scandals, and finally, his "disappearance". This may have been caused by his bad blood with the Segacci and Nintendi Mafia families.
From Humble Beginings
Born a peasant in the poor town of Bigguns, Texas, to Earthworm Sue and Earthworm Sue(worms are asexual dumbass!), Jim was unaware of the greatness he would some day achieve.
He was always bullied in the schoolyard by the Italian plumber-type bullies and the fast blue hedgehog ones too. It is believed that it was during these tough times that he befriended Oscar Wilde, who would later go on to found the United Judgedom of Great Uncyclopedia and Northern Wikiland.
At age 14, Jim's mother Sue was murdered in front of him by a group of crab people (Ok...?). Jim, fearing for his life, fled to the dense swamps of Wisconsin. There he was found by a kind cow couple. They raised him as their own, as they were infertile due to the outbreak of Mad Cow Disease (the STD version.) Jim was happy for many years with the cows, and became well versed in the teachings of Cun-moo-cius, and adept at Kung-Moo.(Who the hell let Carrot Top edit this article?) He was only 16 when the crab people struck again.
The crab people were relentless in their attack on Jim's new home. Only the Slim-Jim quality meat remained. Horror struck at the Cowtastrophe, (Godammit Carrot Top!) Jim swore to discover why these mysterious crustaceans continued to stalk him. With what money he had, Jim bought a 1993 Buick La Sabre with one door, and set off to achieve his destiny.
3 hours later, the shitty car Jim bought broke down 2 feet out of Wisconsin. It was then eaten by a grue, and all of Jim's money, food, and supplies spontaneously combusted. All he had left was his razor sharp wit, and some pocket lint. The pocket lint then ran away.
Stranded in the middle of Wisconsin, Jim heard a hot female-sounding voice cry for help. Thinking back to his learnings with the cows, Jim remembered to always help those in need (especially if they have hot female-sounding voices). Acting on this, Jim ran towards the noise, only to find the damsel in question being bullied by the vicious Knights who say Ni. With a triumphant cry of "IT!", Jim rescued the damsel, who happened to be famed action movie director Quentin Tarantino.
Rise to fame
Jim's first notable appearance was in "Overated Insanely Violent Scenes Involving Tits and Dramatic Irony" directed
by Quentin Tarantino and co-starring Samuel L. Jackson as Jim's wisecracking partner in crime Guy "Motherfucking" Black. As expected, the movie bombed, in part due to it's competitor at the box office "Passion of the Christ 2: Mel Gibson isn't Racist, because Jesus says so", but mostly because it sucked. It later became a cult classic and is now rated as the greatest movie of all time on IMDB.
However, Jim did get enough exposure to co-star in the Martin Scorsese hit "A Texan Worm and Some Italian Guys Perform Generic Crimes", which was said by critics to be Scorsese's most original film yet.
Jim's popularity skyrocketed when he starred alongside Heather Graham in "Boogie Nights: Heather Gets Nude". He did not manage to succeed however, in taking the focus away from Heather Graham.
In the end, the highlight of Jim's career was definitely the cult classic and aptly named "Earthworm Jim".
Plot of "Earthworm Jim"
In the film (and the game), a texan worm and his friends: a bipolar puppy and lump of snot, go on oddball adventures throughout space and rescue a certain Princess What's Her Name (Portrayed by Sarah Michelle Gellar). I know, it sounds like an acid trip. But so do "Star Wars" and "Donnie Darko" for that matter. Throughout the movie, they go to hell and fight lawyers, combat gender confused Crows and and use their heads to whip things. (Seriously, that was what the real game was about!)The movie is considered a seminal work of the postmodern neoclassical reverse social existentialism movement in film, and started Jim's 3 month romance with Sarah Michelle Gellar.
Jim had a short lived rap career as "M.C. SweetNLow" at the height of his popularity. He was obviously not a great rapper, but was better than Vanilla Ice (Then again, so is William Shatner). He did however, have one hit single "Staple ma Skeet". It was popular in clubs for it's use of office supplies in sexual metaphors. Notable rival "DJ Y-T Poza" tried to emulate Jim's success with his own single "Tape yo Titties". Y-T was eaten by a wildebeast, thrown at him by the audience during one of his shows.
Jim as Bond
For 3 hours in 1997, Pierce Brosnan got so drunk that he was honestly convinced that he was a moose. Jim, who was conveniently standing in a corner nearby; was asked to take over. "007:The Silver Girl Who Says Today is Tomorrow Almost Never" was shot in only 82 minutes, although Brosnan arrived completely nude to the set a minute too late. Jim won an Oscar for "Best guy used at the last minute because the other guy was stoned". Tom Cruise and Mark Hamill were also nominated in the same category for "Jerry Macguire" and "Star Wars" respectively.
As a Superhero
Shortly after shooting Steven Spielburg's "Schindler's List" (Those Nazis suck man!), Jim was pushed into a vat of Toxic waste by a mysterious plumber. The assassination attempt failed, instead granting Jim Super strength, and allowing him to fire lightning out of his nostrils. Jim decided to use his powers for good, and within his first month on the job, he rescued 300 nuns from an earthquake,750 cats and puppies from burning buildings, and 80 toddlers from pedos on the internets.
This obviously made the other superheroes (Like the Hamsternator and Turn His Eyelids Inside Out Boy) very angry, which led to a RPG-style duel between Jim and Superman Himself.
- Jim uses Deus Ex Machina!
- COW LAUNCHED
- Superman uses Laser Vision!
- Jim loses 400 hp!
- Jim-1/401 Superman- 999,999,999,999,999/999,999,999,999,999
- Jim uses Potion of mysterious conveniance!
- Jim-401/401 Superman-999,999,999,999,999/999,999,999,999,999
- Superman uses Ice Vision!
- Jim reflects Ice Vision with The Manta!
- Superman loses an utterly insignificant amount of HP!
- Jim-401/401 Superman-999,999,999,999,999/999,999,999,999,998.999999999999
- Superman uses his Complete collection of Bjork CD's!
- Jim goes completely deaf, and contracts a nosebleed of incredible magnitude!
- Jim-0.001/401 Superman-Do I really have to type it again?
- Superman begins Finishing Blow! (4 turns)
- Jim's nose continues to bleed.
- Superman charges Finishing Blow! (3 turns)
- Jim's nose continues to bleed.
- Superman charges Finishing Blow! (2 turns)
- Jim's nose continues to bleed.
- Superman charges Finishing Blow! (1 turns)
- Jim's nose continues to bleed, a Ferret is dislodged, and falls out of his ear.
- Superman is finished charg-
- Superman is crushed by a cow!
- Jim-Jim-0.001/401 Superman-WTF? How did...?
Aquaman and Superman shared one final kiss before Clark Kent smoked the big turkey. Jim won! And he found his ferret!
As Emperor of Japan
In 1994, many Japan folk have romance explosion on Jim. Them overthrow fat red emperor and spiky blue empress! Make Jim new Emporer, great happy! Many Pink-Haired Schoolgirl make sucki-sucki on Jim! Jim fight Godzilla eight time! Fight Mothra ten time! Make Sushi of greedy greedy Ken Kutaragi whopper fourty-eight time! In 1998, Japan folk make sucki-sucki on Final Fantasy! Empress Hello Kitty make by new Emporer! Soon be replaced as emporer Domo Kun!
As a Sensei
It is well known fact that girls love big worms. They can't stand little worms, but big worms have what it takes to satisfy them. You don't get to choose how big a worm you are, but the ladies like em big. Size matters. Unless you're in Sweden, because all the worms are small there. So, it's no surprise that Jim was quite the lady's, uh... worm.
Sarah Michelle Gellar (or Jimchelle)- Working on the set of the semi-biographical "Earthworm Jim", Jim could not help but be smitten with blond hottie and fellow vampire-slayer, Sarah Michelle Gellar. But the chemistry just wasn't there. While Jim pondered the very meaning of life itself,(Elvis+Cows=42?)ditzy Sarah questioned how her nails looked. They broke up after 3 months, because Jim could feel his brain cells being killed when spending time with Sarah. Ditziness can also cure herpes.
Fall from Glory
“Worst Elvis Impersonator ever! He didn't even do Blowjobs! Wait...”
Jim was caught up in a minor controversy in 1999 for pictures circulating the internet depicting
Things that are true about Jim
- Jim can be unlocked in Super Smash Bros. by resetting, standing on your head while drinking chocolate milk with your nose, and then eating 15 Chinese babys before finally pressing start.
- Jim's birthday is June 9, 1992. Which is weird, cause he was born in 1975...
- Never eat the black Jellybeans.
- Jim is very good when served with sauteed peas.
- Jim can dance the Macarena 300 times in six seconds, but doesn't, because the Macarena sucks.
- Jim has four hyper-intelligent brains, all of them smarter than you.
- Jim's favorite food is haggis, the heart, lungs, and liver of a sheep boiled in it's own stomach.
- Jim doesn't like salt. I wonder why...
- All of the cow puns are really lame.
- I'm John Mccain, and I do not approve of this article.
- The color of Jim's red gun is, in fact, green.
- Jim once killed Ratchet of the Ratchet and Clank games. And then he did it a few more times, for good measure.
- If there's nothing out there, then what was that noise?
- Jim's creator, Doug Tennapel, is a Republican Neo Conservative despite being a creator of totally kickass things (Jim, Neverhood, etc.) This is considered by most to be the only thing that is at all wrong with Earthworm Jim.
Things that are lies about Jim
- Jim is not the second coming of Elvis. It's Al Gore.
- Jim does not screw his gun, as he is not Ammosexual. Pro-war republicans are.
- Earthworm Jim 3D is a conspiracy, Jim had no involvement with the project.
- Jim was never involved with Dave Goldman, he has however, been involved with David Blaine.
- Jim never played drums for Alice cooper. Except for those few times when he did. Play drums that is. Uh, for... for Alice Cooper.
- Jim is not a scientologist, he follows the great Hereford.
- Jim is not hispanic, he is Irish with a little Cherokee.
- Ratchet of the Ratchet and Clank games never was even close to Jim's greatness.
- Jim's full name is not Phyllis Diller the 2nd.
- Jim would never murder or rape pigs, or hurt his farm animal brethren in any way.
Alvin-Earthworm added hair to jim in order to make him an "original" character. The failure of furries...