Earwig

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Ear Wigs were first discovered by Anglo-Saxons back in 1427 BC as a fashion accessory to the rich and famous. Similar in style to Ear Muffs, they consist of 2 small squares of shagpile carpet which fit snug into the ear, and often come fitted with bluetooth connectivity.

The Ear Wig market suffered a severe strain in 749 BC after the wall street crash, but thanks to a sudden influx of novelty Luminous varieties from korea, trade in Ear Wigs increased tenfold. Having been bought out by IKEA in 74 AD, Ear Wigs became the national currency of Gibraltar and Mongolia.

It is a common misconception that Jesus himself was a devoted Ear Wig diva. Although sources are sketchy, there is sufficient evidence to conclude that Jesus in fact pioneered Ear Wig manufacturing on a large scale, having employed 'out-of-work' Oompa Loompas to populate his many factories. Jesus later floated his transnational corporation on the stock exchange, and eventually became a virtual recluse.

There are many alterior uses for earwiggers, including generating static electricity by pushing thousands of middle-age men into a small stadium and making them watch Status Quo. One such event named LiveAid powered half the population of Norway for 6 weeks.

When laying down on one's front and spraying one's self with pheromones, one using ear wigs can easily set up a simple but effective hedgehog-luring device but it is recommended to wear earplugs.