Easington, ohhh fuck
"Employment, what's that"
The words of the common Easingtoner.
"Hey we're worse"
Seaham folk on Easington.
"What the fuck"
God on Easington
"Quite frankly, I love the place"
Margaret Thatcher on Easington.
"I, I erm, I love you Mr police man"
Youth after illegally purchasing alcohol in Easington.
"Ain't that the place where we send our fat people?"
George.W.Bush on Easington.
"it was a joke, i mean how were we to know it would be this bad"
The vikings on Easington
Easington is the capital of chavs in the North East England and home to the reincarnation of Jesus, his former home. It is a place riddled with STD's, reasearch in August 2007 found that you can acctually catch Chlamidya by just passing through Easington in an Audi TT. The man who we used as a guinepig for this experiment acctually died of a heartattack when the doctor told him he would have to give up his genitals or die with-in 3 months. He shortend that sentence to 3 seconds.
I bet your wondering why there isn't any good times and immediately the downfall... well in all honesty there were no good times... I mean if there were any good times then for the love of fuck tell me, I'd give you money and a house. It all started with the Thatcher regime, corruption, sex scandals and numerous gay pride parades. A time when Easington was on its knees and there was barely no work. All the men were as black as mine-shafts... well that's because that was the only work. But nooooooooo the government decided to put a cork up Easingtons arse, things came in but nothing left.
Thus leading to the era of the chav, broken teeth, shitty chains and absolutely fucked up music to suit there LSD run brains. This earned easington a bad reputation, dysfunctional youths reproducing at the speed of one of the flashes wanks, unemployment soaring like an eagle on smack and a crime rate as dense as a mid day Middlesbrough smog. Something had to be done, someone had to help, a solution was needed and a few costly years later, street wardens. 'Pointless, shitty and absolutely useless', they have no power, their like an asthmatic blowing through a straw, weak and terrible.
WE ALL NEED TO PLAY HEADS AND VOLLEYS AND SORE ARSE BABY WOMEN BOY !!!!!!!!!! Yes you Anthony Hunt!. Easington is well hated for its sports stars, Steven Harper the Newcastle goalkeeper and Adam Johnson the Middlesbrough winger, both terrible and never get a look in for their teams, or in other words, shit and only used in cup games so actually important players can put their feet up. I mean we did have that Brass fellow, who scored an own goal for Bury by kicking the ball off his face and breaking his nose, but then again that's nothing to be proud of, in all honesty Easington should just stop trying.
When the people of Easington are not smoking dope or rapeing poor defenceless tramps, they like to engage in the odd game of.. you guessed it.. Cricket. It is quite surpising that Easington does not have any famous cricketers, as thats what they spend the majority of there time doing (then again, none of them would have made it passed the first stage of the drugs test, hmm..). Common places for Easingtoners to play Cricket are...
- The Welfare.
- The Miners Hall.
- Wordsworth Road.
- Near old people.
- Near old people's windows.
And occasionally up Andrew's Hill whilst under the influence of 2.57l of White Lightening. Cricket is the main religion of Easingtoners, it has the Gods of Batting, Bowling, Fielding and Wicketkeeping.
- Batting is Kevin Pietersen.
- Bowling is Andrew Flintoff and Monty Panesar's genetically built child.
- Fielding has to be Paul Collingwood.
- Wicketkeeping is Phil "colonel" Mustard
The Famous People of Easington
Numerous amounts of celebrities hail from Easington. None of them are alive today and if they are alive then they are better off dead. Some famous Easingtoners inclued...
- Harry Lancaster.
- Harry Quinn.
- Amy Whinehouse.
- Amy Whinehouse's dog.
- Pete Docherty.
- Jack the Ripper.
- Paris Hitlon.
- David Tennant.
Some say Top Gear's Stig originates from Easington. And that he learnt to drive at the age of 1.3253' years before leaving Easington and going to live with Lewis Hamilton in neighbouring Peterlee. They once got into a fight with local drunk jenson button after the stig used his first words ever very wisely by saying "Still not won yet", jenson became aggressive and the stig was forced to use his tai chi powers to kick some failure ass.
- You walk down the Colliery wearing jeans, stab.
- You walk down the Colliery listening to rock music, stab.
- Basically you walk into the Colliery not possessing drugs, a knife or burberry, stab.
- Esintn hahs te ighst amnt of undag drnkr in al of te nort est (sorry i was too drunk to type that).
- We have fancy lions, only in Easington.
- We have a variety of tramp. Ranging from blind to deaf and dumb.
- Jesus was born in easington, he just didn't want you to know.
- Mr T lived in easington once, he moved coz he pitty de fool who laugh at his jewel.
- Happiness is illegal in easington.
- Prostitution is legal though : ).
- More Murtoners immigrate to easington on a Friday than Zimbabweans do to south Africa.
- They immargate because hormones urge them to come and cause trouble.
- In easington, Mr Gardner day is every day.
The Yeti Man
Steven you cannot write this he will be back to haunt us.... again. "avvvvvvvvv !!!!" ohhh shit. stick is a wanker
Films made in Easington
- Wrong Turn (Hillbillies were locals).
- The Italian job.
- Pearl Harbour.
- Hostel parts 1 and 2.
- Schindler's list.
- Pokemon the movie (we needed the money).
- Fast and the furious 1, 2 and Tokyo drift (yes they lied when they said Tokyo).
- Billy Elliot.
- The Passion of Christ.
- Rocky (starring rocky the tramp as rocky balboa)
The truth about Easington
- Well, simply, there isn't one. It is all a lie.
- Easington doesn't even exist.
- We live here, sleep, eat and die.
- But when we're here, we don't exist either.
- It is a place where people breathe and live, but are unnoticed.
- Makes it sound like an emo town doesn't it?