EastEnders
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| Eastenders | |
 | |
| Type | Soap |
| Creator | GOD |
| Starring | Z-list actors |
| TV Station | BBC 1 |
| Running Length | Too Long |
| No. of episodes | Too Many |
EastEnders is a teatime televised opera, particularly popular with old people in retirement homes and the chronically depressed, and is often advertised with the slogan "For those who can't afford Sky". The show also has a popular theme tune written and performed by gay icon Dennis Waterman. The show holds a lot of evil controversy, especially with people who stare at the screen waiting for someone to say 'bitch' or 'tosser' and have the Ofcom phone number on speed-dial, but these people have recently been slammed by Mary Whitehouse who believes that freedom of speech is the way forward.
Although it was released in the UK in the 1970s, plans for the show go as far back as world war two. It was the idea of Adolf Hitler to hypnise everyone through a sad television programme, but failed epically.
Contents |
[edit] The Creation Of Misery
1. In the beginning God created EastEnders and Albert Square. And darkness fell upon the BBC1 schedules.
2. And God said, Let there be depression. And there was in abundance.
3. And God saw the depression and it was good. The BBC executives saw the ratings and they said depression is good, too.
4. And God called the depression EastEnders; He then created misery, which included rape, murder, binge drinking, market stalls and Phil Mitchell.
5. And God said, Let there be a pub. And God saw the pub and He called it The Queen Vic.
6. And God said, Let the people who populate the Queen Vic be the dregs of society. They must never smile or laugh, He said. And they must endure situations that are true to life, despite never watching their televisions on Tuesdays and Thursdays at 7.30pm.
7. And God called His people EastEnders. And God said to the EastEnders, Thou shalt commit acts of incest, with Mother and Sister being of one, and Z list actors and 'comedians' in guest appearances.
8.And God said, Bring forth a typical Christmas storyline in which death and misery and the occasional wife-beating must occur.
9. With all his power, God made appear a cast of characters; some yielded from Grange Hill, others from The Bill.
10.And God said, Let there be a big storyline once every two annum. And God called the storyline Who Shot Phil Mitchell?; And the people watching said, Who cares?
11. And God said, You are my EastEnders. Deal with it.
12. And God said that all of this sin and sadness could be miraculously cured with a nice cup of tea.
[edit] The Ten Commandments of Albert Square
And God created the Ten Commandments. All characters must obey the Commandments, He said:
1. Thou shalt not look for work outside the boundaries of Albert Square.
2. Thou shalt argue and fight during a party.
3. Thou shalt utter the phrase "You're out of order!" during every confrontation.
4. Thou shalt not watch Coronation Street.
5. Thou shalt not enjoy a successful marriage.
6. Thou shalt consume breakfast only in Ian's Café.
7. Thou shalt only leave Albert Square by way of death, prison or Manchester. Or, at a pinch, Spain.
8. Thou shalt not have a merry Christmas.
9. Thou shalt not possess a washing machine. Use the launderette.
10. Thou shalt have thy wedding reception in the Queen Vic.
And He thought them, good. Oh so good.
[edit] Current Characters
| Christian Clarke
| Jane's brother. Raging homosexual. Once shagged her husband, hard, but all is forgiven. Laughs like a horse. And then some. Has a smile so freaky it would make the Joker wince and cry. He seems obsessed with Jack Sparrow. Bloody pervert! But we love 'im. Syed loves 'im too and his bum. | |
| Ian Beale
| Man/Weasel who runs a chippy and a café and for some reason thinks that makes him a entrepreneurial businessman. The most wimpy, girly, feminine heterosexual you will ever see, and also an utter fucking cock. If EastEnders was real (... IF??? WHAT ARE YOU TELLING ME UNCYCLOPEDIA???), he'd have been stabbed to death long before now. | |
| Jane/Lesley Beale
| Used to be fat, changed name to Jane because she's no longer as fat as she used to be. Got shot in the stomach, had her minge amputated. | |
| Lucy Beale
| The Antichrist of Walford. Bitch. Hates everyone. Everyone hates her. Still hasn't been killed off. Odd. Looks like she'd be a dirty bitch in bed. Is supposedly fourteen. Yeah and her dad's straight. | |
| Peter Beale
| So much like his wimpy father Ian it's uncanny, blatantly going to turn out gay. He aged by 5 years in a week! | |
| Bobby Beale
| Ever seen The Omen? Look at those eyes! TERRIFYING. | |
| Abi Branning
| Is a little too close to her guinea pigs and incidentally, her very own father... dirty little bitch. | |
| Bradley Branning
| Ginger. He blushes a LOT. Got married to Stacey despite the fact that in real life, she wouldn't have even have been friends with him, let alone sleep with him and his ginger pubes. He is an active member of the campaign team for the political party known as The Ginger Alliance (with cousin Bianca and dad Max.) Was once called the Ginger!Ninja, and always looks like he has passed wind when he answers the door. | |
| Dot Branning
| Local Atheist, smokes an average of 500 cigarettes daily, somehow is still alive, speaks in the same tone of voice, and once spent an ENTIRE EPISODE TALKING TO A FUCKING TAPE RECORDER! She likes to fuck in the church graveyard as well as flicking her bean with a crucifix | |
| Jack Branning | The secret love-child of Clive Owen and ROBOCOP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Has had sex with almost every woman in the Square. | |
| Jim Branning | Had a stroke. Dot's other half. | |
| Lauren Branning | Started stuffing socks down her bra aged 7, a living Bratz doll, Tony King saw the inner beauty of her. Somehow was able to put herself into foster care. | |
| Max Branning | Ugliest womaniser ever? Strongly resembles cross-breed between a goldfish and a scotch egg. Max is defacto leader of The Ginger Triad of Evil along with Paul Scholes and Mick Hucknall. Could have been spotted playing at Goodison Park and now at Craven Cottage. Yes, you guessed it, he must be Andy Johnson's double. | |
| Tanya Branning | Likes zips, recently invented bread hoopla! (And buried her hubbie alive). A MILF who has greatest pair of boobies you will ever see! | |
| Janine Butcher | Resembles a poodle. Killed Barry Evans. Likes to lick her lips after every sentence to look evil. Everyone else on the Square does everything in their power to keep her from being a success because she's one of the few clever people in Walford. | |
| Liam Butcher | Related to practically everyone. About as clever as his parents, so doesn't stand much chance in life. | |
| Pat Evans | Fat ex-hooker with horrid looking earrings. Looks like the Honey Monster. Killed someone with her car once, but it doesn't stop people asking her for driving lessons. Her earrings are sound radars and she picks up on what everyone is saying explaining why she is there to answer everyones problems. One Eyebrow is 12 cm higher than the other. Once had a "thing" with Patrick... yuk! | |
| Ricky Butcher | Likes to wear jackets that don't fit him. As thick as pig shite. | |
| Chelsea Fox A.K.A. Budget Rihanna | Kind of like Naomi Campbell minus a personality, opinion or brain. Would be attractive if she weren't so pathetic. | |
| Denise Wicks | The somewhat nastier and more uptight black answer to Joan Crawford. Moody bitch, was beaten by Libby's dad and Chelsea's dad left her when he became a drug addict. Is engaged to Chelsea's dad again. | |
| Libby Fox | Biggest question is how did she ever get a boyfriend? Still a virgin. Supposed to be going to Oxford... but you just know she'll end up getting a job in the Square. | |
| Bianca Jackson | RICCKKAAAAYYYYY!!!!! Rough, but not quite as rough as Shirley. She is an active member of The Ginger Alliance's more hardline militant wing. Her last campaign involved lacing all the shampoos, etc at Tanya's salon with ginger hair dye with the objective of making people understand the suffering that Gingers have to endure on a daily basis. Once said Jack Branning was fit - he's her uncle!!! Also said "I would" about Peter Beale - her cousin! | |
| Morgan Jackson-King | Only eats chicken nuggets. The dinosaur ones scare him. Apparently the son of two white people despite being black. | |
| Tiffany Dean | Smart ass ginger kid. Enjoys destroying things. Reminds you of Stewie Griffin. | |
| Whitney Dean | Puts her make-up on with a shovel. Will no doubt turn out to be a bigger slag than her stepmother, so at least she will accomplish something. Was sleeping with her mother's boyfriend... hang on, didn't they do that story with Bianca once? her actress's surname is McGarty kind a sounds like a rather smelly bodily function. | |
| Masood Masood
| Zainabs camp, pompous punch bag. | |
| Tamwar Masood | A little library prick who is the perfect match for Libby Fox, also a virgin. So sad he raped a toothbrush! Has a dry wit which is frowned upon by his humourless family. | |
| Zainab Masood | Fat, Dominatrix-like ex-postal worker, due to sell her daughter to a Pakistani. Most interesting storyline recently was when she took a dump in Ian Beale's toilet. | |
| Syed Masood | Total cock tease. Goes from "Fuck me Christian!", to "Fuck off I'm a muslim!", within minutes of getting a good hard ramming | |
| Darren Miller | Looks like a fish wearing lipstick. Still living in the Square even though the rest of his family has moved away, despite the fact he's only 16. | |
| Dawn Swann | Pathetic slag. Has the abortion clinic on speed-dial. Everyone hates her so much, they decided to wait until she was just about to walk down the aisle before they told her that her husband-to-be had been brutally beaten to death. | |
| Archie Mitchell | Ronnie and Roxy's dad. Lived in a mansion on the coast, but decided to move into the overcrowded Queen Vic. As you do. One of the meanest, nastiest bastards Walford's ever seen... and that's saying something. When he's not wrecking peoples lives, he likes to rape puppies, skin kittens and defile virgins. Watches 'You've Been Framed' just so he can see children trip over and cry. Michael Cain, Ian McShane, Terence Stamp, Ray Winstone, Gary Oldman and the resurrected corpse of Vincent Price were all offered the role. Michael Caine was a bit busy with The Dark Knight, Ian McShane and Malcolm McDowell were preoccupied with Heroes, Ray Winstone wanted to be Ronnie's fella but not her dad, Terence Stamp, Gary Oldman and Vincent Price just said "no". The part ended up going to that guy off Gavin & Stacey. | |
| Ben "Milkybar Kid" Mitchell
| Little Harry Potter shit stain, likes Broadway musicals and tap dancing, obviously gay. So annoying, even his dad was ready to beat the crap out of him. Was victimised by Lord Voldemort's meaner cousin, Stella Crawford. His passtime is dancing and singing along to Girls Aloud songs. | |
| Billy "No Mates" Mitchell
| Sure he looks like Sherlock Holmes but his family hate him, his wife left him, and she hates him and his daughter is a downy. Who hates him. No one likes him. No one will give him a job (except as one of Santa's elves) and he doesn't seem to know how to close his mouth when he chews. Yet, he still hasn't committed suicide for some reason and he is really popular amongst people who watch the show due to his general niceness | |
| Susan Honey Really Struggling Hard To Think Of New Names Mitchell | Billy's genius wife. Known for her witty, Oscar Wilde like remarks. When asked why people called her Honey, she replied "What is this, the Spanish Armada?" Was supposed to be a comic relief character but after becoming mordibly depressed as a result of her daughter having Downs Syndrome, the producers decided that she was starting to lose her comic value. Has now left but may be coming back. In the words of Honey "Hope Springs Infernal." | |
| Janet Mitchel | Billy's daughter. Reasoning that their first child deserved a truly noble, august name, one with the femininity of the Faerie Queens of antiquity, the sort of name one would expect the wind to whisper through the trees, Billy and Honey decided to call their daughter Janet. Suffers from Downs Syndrome yet still probably most intelligent person on the sqaure. Is played by a doll in some episodes. This doll's performance has garnered praise from critics who say that it "ignites the screen like it was born there, bringing a truly bombastic performance, reminiscent of a young Jodi Foster to the role of Janet." | |
| Peggy Mitchell
| Dolly Parton mixed with a leprechaun, "Get outta moy pab!" Looks like some bird from the Carry On films. Has great tits though. Walfords first GILF - naa that's Dot Branning. | |
| Phil Mitchell
| Likes deflating. A bit like Hagrid in the way he speaks, but has no beard or hair. On certain days, you can see your reflection in his head. | |
| Grant Mitchell | Phil's tall, thin brother who was in The Matrix. Has left, come back, left come back and at one point came back before leaving. Peggy has heard disturbing rumours that he's changed his name to Ross Kemp and become a lovey. "Tell me it's not true Grant! Tell me it's not true!" Let's just hope she doesn't see The Matrix! | |
| Ronnie Mitchell | An alien/Michelle Pfeiffer half-breed who shouts alot | |
|
Roxy Slater
Roxy's Best Moment! | Local slag. Didn't feel bad about going behind her boyfriend's back with her sister's bloke. Perfect guest on the Jeremy Kyle show. Her real name is Roxy "I shagged my sister's boyfriend, Got up the duff, lied that it was my husband's, was shocked that it wasn't, he tried to kill me and the baby but didn't because my sister and the boyfriend I shagged saved me from an icy death, holy shite I hope I'm getting payed for this!" Mitchell. Thinks it's a good idea to leave letters with DNA results lying about. | |
| Charlie Slater | Drives taxis, thats about it. Really. | |
| Jean Slater | Looks like a frog, stutters and shakes a lot and talks a lot of shit. When she enters the scene, you can hear the collective groans of every viewer.SAUSAGE SURPRISE!!!!!!!!! | |
| Mo Harris | The resident crack dealer. Sister of Hollywood star Gary Coleman. | |
| Stacey Slater | She'll screw your daddy! Wants to be a nun but for some mystifying reason gets turned down by every convent. Doesn't know how to smile and always SHOUTS! Now complete with Bipolar Disorder | |
| Patrick Trueman | YAH MON! Had a pork pie hat permanently welded onto his head at birth. His wife left him and moved away for a really stupid reason, so at least he has something in common with Billy Mitchell. Used to bobsled in a previous life. | |
| Amanda Best | Professor Trelawny's cousin. Apparently old friends with Phil and Minty. Has never been mentioned until she arrived as the teacher of a pottery class that Minty and Charlie randomly went to. | |
| Danielle Jones | Was just about the only fit girl on the Square but for some reason got treated like shit by everyone, possibly on account of her Aryanness. Was only living with the Slaters for a week before she was considered 'one of the faaamily'. Turned out that she was actually Ronnie's long-lost daughter, and she'd known it all along... and for some stupid reason didn't tell her for months on end. Naturally, Ronnie hated her guts. Eventually, after months of total, total misery Ronnie found out the truth and things started to look up for Danielle... and then she was run over by a car and killed. The only happy moment of her life was when she lay dying. Even I'm depressed now! The Telford village council were rather pleased to hear that Danielle originated from Telford and that the BBC were raising awareness of their historic town. They don't seem to have noticed that Danielle considered returning to Telford a fate worse than death. Cried about 6 times per episode. Everyone seems to have forgotton her already... | |
| Dotty Cotton | Cockerney demon child. See Bobby Beale. | |
| Garry Hobbs | Still in the Square long after his wife left him. Even bigger loser than Billy yet managed to shag Dawn... does not compute! Has a face that looks like it's been squashed with a giant lemon. | |
| Heather "'Ev" Trott
|
She bends over, a scene from Independence day comes to mind... and she runs/waddles everywhere carrying her miniature handbag, and sporting a fluorescent plastic hairband. Probably never had sex. Somehow got married to Minty despite her name not being on the marriage certificate. Seems to mention food at some point during every conversation she has. Likes cheesy Wotsits and Kebabs. Thinks she's pregnant but it's just baby Oscar who got trapped underneath one of her fat rolls | |
| Jay Brown | Little chav. Moved in with his Grampa Bert, aka the King of Cool. Bert returned back oop norrrth to work down t' mines when Jase showed up and moved in without Social Services raising an eyebrow. After his dad died, moved in with Billy Mitchell because it helps when you're living with someone who is more of a loser than you are. Couldn't even get a shag off a prozzie. | |
| Lucas Johnson | Appears to be mentally ill, seeing as he likes Chelsea. And why, oh WHY, is he bothering with the youth of Walford at all?! THERE IS NO HOPE! | |
| Minty Peterson | Fat guy with a hole in his chin. Started off as a unlikeable letch, then turned into a decent, loveable guy a few weeks later. Probably one of the few likeable and reasonably happy characters in the entire show. | |
| Nick Cotton | Murderer. Rapist. Drug addict. Plotting to kill his old 'Ma with the help of "Dotty". One of the nicer people on the Square. | |
| Shirley "Shirl" Carter | Roughest bird you will EVER see, chews glass, spits it out, and chews again. Has an insult for every occasion but never a comeback. | |
| Syd Chambers | Who? Another gay resident with a receeding hairline. | |
| Theo Kelly | Likes to wear old man hats. Resembles a neanderthal but everybody seems to consider him a genius. Well it is Walford. | |
| Dr. Al Jenkins | The local doc. Went on a date with Tanya and hasn't been seen since, that's what happens when you try to date Max, leader of The Ginger Triad of Evil's wife. | |
| Joel Reynolds | Danielle's dad. Enough said. | |
| "Tracy the Barmaid" | She's a mute. Works 43 hours a day, 13 days a week, surely she suffers exhaustion? Famous lines: "What can I get you?", "Weren't you in The Bill?" and "What was it like working with Kenneth Williams?". Often nods and looks after the Vic. Waiting to be given an actual EE role. Spoke to Sean Slater in 2008. Probably will snap one day by killing everyone in Walford due to the presures of EE life. | |
| "Winston the Market Trader" | Been there for 23 years, and still hasn't had a storyline. Will probably team up with Tracy the Barmaid in the final ever episode to nuke Walford. |
[edit] More Creation Of Misery
1.On the seventh day, God rested from all His work. And He did name that day EastEnders Omnibus. Then the Lord formed man and women from the dust, and breathed life into the EastEnders.
2. And God began naming his EastEnders. He said, I shall create an Old Lady and I will name her Lou Beale.
3. And God said, I shall create offspring for Lou Beale. I shall bring forth a middle-aged glamour girl and put her in a cardigan. And he called the glamour girl Pauline Fowler. And also for Lou, a son, Pete Beale, who shalt drink beer from a silver tankard and call everyone 'Treacle'. But The Lord did smite Pete Beale after much backstage trouble, killing him instantly, with no chance of ever returning. And God allowed Pauline to live until Christmas 2006, when she was hit on the head with a frying pan and died with no chance of ever returning.
4. And God said, 'Let there be a wimp'. And he created a wimp and He named him Ian Beale. And He will have his head flushed down the toilet every 100th episode.
5. And God said, 'Let there be a religious chain-smoker, who for some unknown reason (other than dramatic license) has not yet succumbed to a fatal lung disease'. And God created Dot Cotton.
6. And God declared "There shall be a character who will be as ugly as sin and nasty as hell, yet will have women tripping over themselves to sleep with him". And thus, God created Den Watts.
7. And God created Pat Butcher as the world was lacking an overweight, ex-prostitute and wearer of chandelier earrings.
8. And God realised that the viewing public deserved more misery, so He created two extra episodes.
9. And the viewers saw the two extra episodes a week and began to blaspheme.
10. The people began to call EastEnders "Stenders", so named after the cockernee word Stender, meaning the sort of loose- lipped rag cunt you'd find on the likes of that Wife Swap woman, Billy Beardsley, you know, the one who got her tits out in the Sport and they looked like the oversucked dugs of an old sow.
11. And God saw that there was a lack of violence on the Square, so he created The Mitchells, and all hope was lost.
[edit] See Also
- Poor People
- Actors
- BBC
- Gordon Brown
- Coronation Street - Created by Satan in partnership with Harvey's Furniture Store.
- World War One
- Pam Ayres
- Spunk
- Bollocks
- Test & Albert
- Random "See Also" Additions
- Ha!
