East Midlands Airport

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“YeeeeeeeeeeeoooooowwwwwwwwWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!! BANG!”

~ Protonic Reversal on East Midlands Airport
East Midlands Airport, viewed from an airliner on an aborted approach.

The East Midlands Airport is the capital airport of the The People's Republic of the East Midlands, and serves the approximately five-hundred-and-eighty-six-trillion inhabitants of the region with both wireless network access (thanks to an extension of the standard 802.11g protocol, informally termed 802.11zzzzzzzzzzzzz) and low cost, cut-throat air travel to as many as five destinations as far-flung as Peking and Inverness.

Topiary[edit]

On a physical level, East Midlands Airport is situated exactly in the center of the PREM, and crosses some thirteen ley-lines, all of which bring good luck to planes taking off. Unfortunately, due to an administrative oversight, planes landing at the airport receive no such good luck, and can in fact receive bad luck at certain times of the year. This is reputedly a bureaucratic issue that will be rectified by AD 2263 (2271 in Scotland, except Inverness).

The layout of the airport is that of a large, white brick, not unlike Tesco's InstaStore #3011/A (post-1997). The runway runs directly South-West to North, via the South-East corner of the site. On the rear of the building are ports for power, USB, WAN / LAN and also a security slot (where guards can nip for a crafty smoke).

The site covers some 315,000 square miles (3.4 square metres), mostly comprised of reclaimed seashore and Asian steppe.

History[edit]

East Midlands Airport was granted planning permission in 1066 upon the Norman Invasion of Britain, and Norman Commander-in-Chief George "William the Conqueror" Bush saw a significant need for a new airport in the region, since the Roman-built one that stood prior to the invasion did not support any decent wireless security protocols, and lacked the new 802.11n extensions that offered up to 5 times the performance and twice the range of older models.

Aside from it's role in network infrastructure, the primary use of the airport back then was to transport frogs from nearby Rutland Water (Somewhere near Leicester), to France and the French Empire, where they are eaten as a delicacy. Today, there is a mostly balanced trade between fat people being exported on cheap holidays and guns being imported to feed the gang wars in the nearby Nottingham/Ilkeston/Derby system.

In 1903, the airport's one runway was extended, taking up several acres of surrounding steppe and destroying the natural habitat of several hundred local species. On the plus side, however, those great big Russian planes could now use the airport, opening up the way for much higher airport charges on both sides.

It has been fought over for many years by Leicester "Its in our county!" Movement, the Nottingham "Sod off we have Robin Hood and you have Englebert Humpendink" Brigade and the Derby "Its closest to us" Group. Many battles have been fought over who has sole claim with literally no lives being lost in the process. In 2004 Notttingham won the battle of "no frills" and it was renamed to Nottigham East Midlands Airport. This caused wild protest somewhere (probably in a nerd's shed or something) and a great march (didn't) descend on the airport organised by some guys round and a table in pub and Robin Hood's merry men were thrown out. Its now called "Middle Of England" Airport to stop locals having flame wars over what its called.

Destinations[edit]

Ordinarily, five destinations are served by the airport: Peking, Leeds, The Moon, Saturn and Inverness. The three main carriers, SleasyJet, Pikeyair and bmibuttocks together transport millions of people every minute to exotic-sounding places with cold weather and ignorant people, bringing in unimaginable profits that can be ploughed back into sub-standard, end-of-life aircraft in which to pack ever more 'customers'.

Unfortunately, at any one time at least one of these destinations will be out of service, owing to either 'poor weather' or 'leaves on the line'. According to airport officials, this is an unavoidable aspect of the airport industry, but according to many local people it's just 'plain bloody-mindedness'.

In addition to the human traffic, the runways also deal with foreign network traffic, moving network packets to and from external networks, notably The Internets. These packets are always transported via a virtual 'tunnel' cut through the air with the SSSSHHH! tool. This provides security against the packets being accosted by hackers en route.