Eastern Orthodox
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The Eastern "Orthodox" Church are best described as Roman Catholics without a pope, or, more correctly, Roman Catholicism is Eastern "Orthodoxy" plus papal absolutism and other late medieval heresies. The name "Orthodox" was made up, and is officially to be put in quotes in order to clarify that this is a false religion. The religion is known to be one of the rare few that actually lie about their own beliefs. The most well known religious misinformation they profess is their claim to monotheism. The reality is that they worship a broad spectrum of objects that range from icons (idols) to dead saints to onions. The date when eastern Orthodoxy replaced Christianity as the state religion of the Byzantine Empire is disputed, by many believe it was in 843 when icon worship was legalized.
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[edit] Famous Orthodox Art
The picture to the right is a very famous Orthodox symbol that very few can interpret. To the Orthodox however, it is a famous thing made by me. Very few actually know what I intended when I was making this, but luckily, uncyclopedia knows! One day I was playing a new game I got on my PC called regedit. When I restarted restarted PC, I saw this, and immediately knew it was a sign. To this day, this mysterious sign continues to show up on people's PCs, but few actually know what it is. The sign means that your PC will undergo a great and cool change. No really, it actually does, isn't that scary?
[edit] What do they worship?
Some call them "icon worshipers", but why would anyone worship something on your desktop? Predominantly, they worship onions, but they also worship desks, computers, cats, dogs, and YOU! That's right, you are a false deity that is currently being worshiped! That means we know where you are going when you die*!
*Not unless you accept Cthulu as your personal eater. He will come and eat us all, but for one low price of $99.99 you can be eaten first! (plus shipping and handling)
[edit] Idolostasis
If you go into an "Orthodox" Church you will see this big wall with stuff on it. This is called the idolostasis. Nobody knows what goes on behind it, many believe that secret experiments controlled by the government occur, possibly alien autopsies. However, in front of it, much bowing down before, religious service to, and worship of graven images occurs.
[edit] So What do the Orthodox Worship Most?
What is the story of the Onion goddess? Since the Orthodox refuse to tell you about the Onion goddess, we just decided to make up a story. The Onion goddess was actually the Patriarch of Constantinople. One day he(the Onion goddess was originally a man) converted to a religion known as Neo-Onionism, and mixed it with Christianity. The result was Eastern Orthodoxy. So how did the Patriarch become a goddess? Well, in the 666th ecumenical council, they decided that they would make the Patriarch the goddess of all onions: "Some Ecumenical Council has ruled that the Patriarch of Constantinople who revealed to us the truth of Neo-Onionism, was in fact the Onion goddess herself in disguise. We have all come to this conclusion due to the fact onions are awesome." -Canon No. 0xFF343.
[edit] Iconoclasm
One day the Byzantine Emperors, Leo III and his sonConstantine V, decided they wanted to follow after the example of the ancient Israelite kings Hezekiah and Josiah and be total jerks ruining everything man! So he did a bunch of stuff, but it eventually was undone by the Blessed & Most Holy Empress Irene, who is famous for corrupting, overthrowing, blinding, and killing her eldest son, in addition to digging up and desecrating the corpse of her own father-in-law and secretly transferring the office of emperor to the barbarian chieftain, Charlemagne.
[edit] The Great Schism
In the year 1054 AD, the Pope of Rome got really mad at the Pope of Istanbul. He decided to send one of his Cardinals who spoke no Greek to make the Greek Pope mad. When the cardinal babbled at the Greek Pope in his Martian Dialect(Latin), the Greek Pope refused to see him. This made the cardinal mad. So one Sunday, in the Blue Mosque of Istanbul, during a praise and worship service, the cardinal burst in and came right up to the altar (during an altar call) where the Greek Pope was. This time, with a lightsaber. Just when he was about to slice the Greek Pope with his own lightsaber, the Greek Pope drew out his lightsaber, and they had an epic battle behind the idolostasis. Just when it looked like the cardinal was going to loose, he drew out his most powerful weapon: A paper declaring his excommunication. Angry and confused, the Greek Pope dropped his lightsaber, crawled into a corner, and cried. The cardinal ran off back to Rome before anyone could get him. After church, all the people in Istanbul were in riots and very annoyed at the pope. This time the Greek Pope could plan to execute his ultimate killer super death ninja plan: to excommunicate the pope right back! Like OMG! He therefore sent the pope an email that said: "You're xcommunic8ed! LOL! :)!", and when the pope read this, he began to plan his revenge: the Crusades.
[edit] The Crusades
No one cares about the first three crusades. The fourth crusade is when the pope was already mad at the Greek Pope because of the the Great Schism. He was also jealous because the Byzantine Empire wasn't going through Dark Ages, but the West was. Thus the pope built a huge space army, and sent them right to Istanbul's space station. When all the Latin Crusaders reached their target, they invaded it quickly, which made the Byzantine emperor mad and stuff. The Greek Pope sent out a mighty army of Byzantine ninjas, who had the ability to fly, breath fire, and shoot hot onions at their enemies all at once. Overwhelmed by the Byzantine Orthodox ninjas, the Latins ran for their lives back to Latin land. Now that the emperor and the patriarch were happy, but they got conquered by Turks! Hahahahahahaha! Now that the Byzantine Empire croaked and was now the Ottoman Empire, nobody cared about it anymore, and all the attention went to Russia.
[edit] Other Schisms
*Some Random Schism: This happened a bunch of years ago sometime around the 5th or 4th century.
This formed some churches like the Roman Coptic church, Armenian Southern Baptist Church, and the
Church of Sunni Amish and the Latter Day L. Ron Hubbard(?????). There were a few others no one's
heard of or cares about.
*Eastern Unorthodox: These people believed in everything from an Unorthodox perspective. They
believed the Bible was true, as long as it was interpreted in an unorthodox way.
*Old Believers: The devious Patriarch Nikon began a plot to destroy the church: to make everyone
cross themselves with three fingers instead of two!!! Since they refused to cross themselves with 3
fingers, this made the czar really mad. He decided to light a bunch of them on fire. So remember kids,
if you cross yourself with two fingers, that means you are evil and bad. First you'll start crossing yourself
with two fingers, then, you'll just cross yourself with one. Then you'll be doing drugs, and before you know
it, you'll be a serial killer and you'll be killing kittens! OMG! Thus emerged the Old Believers who
resisted the patriarch's diabolical plot. The requirement to become an old believer is to be old (70 and above).
*ROCOR Church: This was a Russian church that was Russian. They were also not in Russia! LOL!
[edit] Orthodox Russia
Since Russia was too awesome to be conquered by Latins and Turks (and Nazis, and French, and Polish), they enjoyed being Orthodox for a really long time. The czars helped them build many temples to the Onion goddess, but then came all the Bolsheviks who hated Onions. The Bolsheviks, also known as the Anti-Onion Union, took over Russia and owned it for a whole bunch of years. They hated the Onion goddess. Then one day Czar Gorby came to the throne, and used the powers embedded in his mighty birthmark to summon back the Onion goddess. Thus he proclaimed saying that thinking Onion Worship is bad is a bad thing to believe and therefore that means you are bad.
[edit] Orthodox Hierarchy
1. Patriarchs- The high ranking ones.
2. Metropoliticians- (???).
3. Bishops- These guys are in charge of space stations like the Constantinople Space Station.
4. Priests- Everyone already knows man.
5. Deacons- (???).
6. Subdeacons- (???).
7. Readers- These guys have to learn how to read.
[edit] Orthodox Music
Most Orthodox music is modern and contemporary. Here are some famous Orthodox rock styles:
- Byzantine Chant- Byzantine is a late 20th century post-modern type of music, usually accompanied by an electric guitar and drums. It requires a band. It's primary influence came out of the Ottoman Empire.
- Znamenny Chant- A chant composed by the elite Orthodox and generally disliked by the working class. The elitist characteristic of the chant is that few peasants can spell or pronounce it. It requires the aristocracy to correctly pronounce and spell it. The primary advantage of this chant is that it is transcribed in Znamenny Notation, or Slavic pneumes, in contrast to the modernist Satanic Western musical transcription methods. The chant originates from medieval Holy Russia.
- Valaam Chant- Some chant that came out of Russia. Too many vowels, but ironically Russian.
- Kieven Chant- Can you guess where this originated? This chant is usually accompanied by an electric keyboard.
- Russian Polyphony- Evil Latin Catholic stuff.
[edit] Differences between the Roman Catholic and Eastern Orthodox Churches
Some people believe that the Roman Catholic and Eastern Orthodox Churches are essentially the same in doctrine. This is complete bullshit. The vast difference include:
- Roman Catholics worship 3 dimensional statues, while Eastern Orthodox worship 2 dimensional images instead, except for the Onion Goddess, who appears in 3 dimensions. Some Orthodox worship 4 dimensional images of the Onion Goddess, but this is vastly controversial in the Church, and many view it as heresy.
- Roman Catholic religious art is generally stuck in a 17th century style, while Eastern Orthodox art is universally stuck in a 9th century style.
- Roman Catholics use only unleavened bread for the mass in which they
eatreceive Jesus, while Eastern Orthodox use only leavened bread toeatreceive Jesus.
- Roman Catholics believe in purgatory, while Eastern Orthodox almost believe in purgatory but don't use the term.
- The Roman Catholic Church is semi-Pelagian and legalistic, while the Eastern Orthodox is even more semi-Pelagian and legalistic because they regard Saint Augustine, and you as a heretic.
- Roman Catholics teach a semi-Arian doctrine known as "double procession of the Holy Spirit", while the Eastern Orthodox teach the even more semi-Arian doctrine of "single procession of the Holy Spirit". It is disputed that some Eastern Orthodox theologians teach a "mega procession", but it has mostly been rejected since it makes the Nicene Creed very long.
- Eastern Orthodox worship onions, Catholics don't.
- Eastern Orthodox have beards bigger than any other denomination.
