“Keep it simple faggot. It's the Economy, retard”
“Just because you have a headache doesn't mean it's a brain tumour”
“Economics is the study of the best time to buy anything, is last year”
“We ruin the economy, so you don't have to!”
“In Soviet Russia, credit crunches you!!!!”
“In Capitalist West, bank robs you!!!!”
Economics:An Introduction (Stay Awake !)
Society is driven by the uncontrollable movements of wealth, and Economists claim to be able to predict, influence, and control this primal force to achieve certain goals.
Contrary to popular belief economics is the worst position one can have within a firm, in fact the janitor of a firm is considered a more intelligent and productive human being then a economist. Economist tie with urinal cakes as contributing the most to society.
The conspiracy which has kept Economics alive and prospering works on several key principles.
Firstly, the whole field is broken down into thousands of macro- and micro-economic sub fields. When governments and corporations make use of an Economist's services, they must provide that Economist with information produced by others of that profession, which in turn is based on other information provided to the economist by the sponsoring organization. Therefore, any given economist whose results were proven to be false can blame the data provided to him by the organization he is working for. Since all the data is held in this loop and the original source cannot be determined, the government or corporation must either accept the blame for the failure, resulting in the loss of position at the highest level, or carry on as though the economic findings were in fact correct. In all cases, the latter path is followed and the economist gets a new car.
Secondly, economists have created several systems of government and political parties around the world. This shifts blame away from economists and toward the political party, who will tell the electorate, and then a new party will reign until the economists kill them too. Sometimes, however, economists will call for a regime change. If their suggestions are followed, initial failures of economic predictions will be blamed on the newness of the new regime. Later failures are blamed on mismanagement by the existing regime, and economists will call for an election, invasion, revolution or other change. The cycle may then begin again. And all the economists will get a new car.
Thirdly, their tenuous control over the flow of currency does allow economists to direct a large portion of the flow into their own bank accounts. This gives them power and leverage in many circumstances and has helped fund the international economic conspiracy. (That being , of course, that economists have way too damn many new cars.)
More on Economics
Economics is the study of the migratory patterns of little bits of paper, who, it turns out, control the world. It is known as the "dismal science" because, well, wouldn't you be a bit depressed to find out that you're subordinate to pressed wood pulp? Today there are rich institutions devoted to spreading 'dismalism' - they include the Adam and Eve Smith Institute for Dismal Statistics and the John Farmyard Keynes's 'Pumping Money To No Discernible Affect Foundation' . Alternatively you could go and buy a digital abacus.
History of Economics
Economics released their first album OVER 100 YEARS AGO. Whilst not a critical or commercial success it solidified Economics' position as a chart topping power rock band. Problems arose when Jimmy Christ Knife Jr said "I don't want to do this shit for a living anymore." This along with the drummers increasingly dependent coke habit broke up Economics forever.
There was some kerfuffle over rights to the name "Economics" which had previously been used by a garage band of old Greek grandmothers, but since their main theme involved the "found noises" of actually organizing food and clothing for those in their care, the now better-known band assumed the name "Economics", gave the old ladies zero (a common habit Economics afficionados) so the old Greek ladies were forced to rename themselves Œconomics and as nobody can remember how to write or pronounce ligatures, the Greek were soon forgotten (despite later unsuccessful attempts to expand the O to mean "Original Economistresses").
Economics has since become synonymous with the study of money, rich people, charity, and penises. The most famous economist of the 20th century Chief Obutoworo once stated that "Shiny object good, mud good, but less good and not as good as stick". This saying has led all economic theory for the past century. Whilst post-modernist scholars would dismiss Obutoworo's contribution to economics as minimal, the mainstream academic community understands the contribution as being vital to balablabla no one cares. There are many schools of Obutoworian economics including Marxism, Capitalism, and The Heaven's Gate Cult.
For a little while in the Twentieth Century, the group formerly known as MinorKey'n'Gullsbreath (the latter-named member also holding the World Record for drinking Maple Syrup) attempted to revive the focus back to the found-sounds of Œconomics and feeding people, but they and their followers were quickly destroyed.
Economics at secondary school level
Economics has often been described as a series of arrows arranged in a comical fashion. This is done because of the video game Pokémon Stadium which has a game called "Clefairy Says".Economics teachers at the high school level teach students why the rich will get richer and the poor get poorer so that they need to realize the only way to get money is to collect it with a beggars outfit at your local Walmart. This is unless you are unfortunate enough to have econ. the first hour of the day. Then you are screwed anyway.
Hence it can be seen that: Supply and Demand ^><><^><^ Price Elasticity of Supply >><><^ Price Elasticity of Demand >><><^
Within the economics syllabus, students suffer many techniques of teaching, including "Hoooomework" and "Reseach Proooojects".
The foundation of secondary school economics comes from six key aspects:
- Pointless games
- Punishing Notes
- Meaningless diagonal lines that often intersect
- Guns and Butter
- Laissez faire
- Teachers who think they are right every fucking time even when you prove them wrong
Economics for Grown Ups
This is the easiest bit. Sound serious but act devious. Work out something mathematically plausible and call it 'Sonic the Hedgehog Economics . Hey presto - you are now an Economist !
Scientific categorization of Economics
Physics is a scientific subcategory of economics, because physics is restrained by natural laws to which economists do not have to obey. To economists, a so called "Invisible Hand" is available, which even can reverse irreversible processes. In physics the usage of such a tool is strictly prohibited. After Leó Szilárd discovered in 1926, that systems have to obey to the entropy law if these systems are inhabited by intelligent beings, the beings inhabiting banks haven been replaced by investment bankers in an attempt not prevent physics from imposing any inhibiting rules on a free market economy.
In physics, growth is limited or gets severely punished if growth tries to be unbounded. In economics, growth of course is unlimited. This is required in order to be able to spend money which is is not available yet. It has to be available somewhere in the future, because the future only is allowed to pay back and not to talk back.
After economists took over control of physics, quantum economics emerged as an important field of economic research. As a major contribution to general economics, quantum economists introduced the concept of the "quantum leap" to the public. The concept allowes economists to present minimal changes with maximum noise.
Government Economics was invented comparitively late in history, when it was discovered that you could steal more from the people if you let them believe that you weren't actually stealing. Or had a good reason, that is besides your sword.
Blaise Pascal got them their start when he mathematically proved that you could "in debt thyself into prosperity" with these equations from his book "Penises":
- Five loaves of bread are equal to the square root of twenty five loaves of bread.
- The square root of twenty five loaves of bread are equal to negative five loaves of bread.
- Therefore, having ate five loaves of bread is equal to having five more.
Since then politicians have cheerfully followed this law, known as Pascal's wager, for this was how he paid off his wagers.
- Tinkle-down economics
- Voodoo economics
- Vampire economics
- Laser-Faire Economics
- Quantum Economics
- Supply-side economics
- Free lunch
- Management Science
- Leó Szilárd: Über die Entropieverminderung in einem thermodynamischen System bei Eingriffen intelligenter Wesen. Zeitschrift für Physik, Band 53, Nr. 11-12, S. 840-856, November 1929, Link to the abstract