Ed Gein
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"Ed Gein once gave me a belt fashioned out of nipples for Christmas. Quite disturbing, but a nice gesture nonetheless."
~ Oscar Wilde on Ed Gein
"I went to college with Gein. We were good pals, and he helped me cope with the loss of some close friends of mine that were mysteriously murdered."
~ Bob Saget on Ed Gein
“Ed was besotted with serialism. Everything he did was serial. But his major interest was -SPANKING.Man could that guy smack.He TANNED my arse, talk about throbbin' tonight, I was lucky to get away with both cheeks! - ”
~ Madonna on Ed Gein
“He looks at his shoes alot”
~ George Clooney on Ed Gein
“Hes a puppy fiddler”
~ Hitler on Ed Gein
Ed Gein was a famous American hero who saved the world thousands of times from hellspawn and mean people. He has received countless awards for his acts of kindness. Some people say Gein was actually a brutal murderer, but these are of course liars, since all Ed's killings were done for the good of America and it's people.
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[edit] Early Life
Ed Gein was born in 1926, a year when many great things happened. Not much about his early life is known, although many people from his home town mentioned that anyone that insulted Gein disappeared shortly after. It is believed God got rid of them because he loved Ed so much. When he was 4, his house burned down while Ed was making shrinky-dinks in his oven. Though he told authorities he didn't know what happened to his mother, brother, father, sister, aunt, pet dog, landlord, gardener, maid, slaves, and local mailman in the fire, he later led them to their bodies, which were cut up severely. Their deaths were later blamed on vandals,homosexuals and dinosaurs.
[edit] Growing Up in the Hood
Whenever Ed was 9 years old, he was shot by a gang of pimps armed with Super Soakers. He fucked numerous prostitutes and had many children but killed them all and ate them alive.. <Hello, if he killed them how could he eat them alive? You seriously suck at life. // Uh, maybe he killed them BY eating them alive? Moron. Your mom.> Ed spent 9 months in the hospital with Internal Bleeding. The hood was indeed a terrible place. All the residents were white, and there were no liquor stores or gun stores. This meant Ed could not get his redneck fix of shooting deer and drinking Budweise. Enraged by the community, Ed moved out of the hood and spent a full 5 minutes camping in the mountains! When he returned he looked very much like bigfoot and Albus Dumbledore, with all his hair grown out to the floor, and a beard littered with bones and cigarette butts that went down to his cock. Shortly afterward, Ed graduated Elementary School, at age 14. After graduating, he bought a Big Wheel and fled cross country, out of fear the cops would catch him for an unforgivable crime he had committed: Playing Celine Dion at full blast at 4AM and aiming the speakers at his open window, for the whole neighborhood to wake up to. Ed claims he was in Nicotine Witdrawl.
[edit] Ed Gein: The College Years
College was a crazy time for a maturing Gein. There he met some many friends who later in his life would help him fight crime, like God and Hannibal and Jesus. Strangely, when Ed began to attend college, many murders were committed there. Today it is believed that a killer was stalking Ed wherever he went, killing anyone who lived near him for some sick purpose. The bastard who did this to Gein was never found, but it is hoped that he died a horrible death at the hands of grues.
While at college, Ed met the love of his life, Helga. After only dating her for 3 days, though, police found her dead in a park, and her breasts were cut off and put in Gein's freezer. The police, of course, did not suspect such a nice man as Ed, so they hunted down the real killer nonstop, who just happened to be the first black man they came across.
Ed Gein, God, Hannibal, Jesus, Oprah, and a only a handful of others graduated from college in Ed's year, since the rest of the students were, coincidentally, dead.
[edit] Ed Gein's Legacy
After college, Ed was notorious for holding many parties. Some claim the parties were so good, that anyone who came into his house never left! Alas, his life of constant boogying was not meant to last. One day, when he was at the movies, a man's cell phone kept ringing, and everyone in the theatre was getting really perturbed at this. Ed Gein, being a leader of the people, took charge of this situation and stabbed the man in the face 7 trillion times. Though this was considered murder by some, to just about everyone it was considered Ed standing up for his rights as an American. It was at this time Gein realized he had to be a hero to the people, and use his trusty knife to protect the public from evil. All of Gein's stabbings of justice were encouraged by the people. Of course, with the government being corrupt, Ed had to stop protecting the people, since the government said what he was doing "illegal".
Ed gein was a lovely, lovely man.
[edit] Ed's Final Battle
In 1997 Ed was diagnoised with cervical and testicular cancer and was told he would be dead within 6 months. So Ed being the true champion he was decided to do everything he wanted to do before he died, firstly he adopted a young Zimbabwean child named Rufus, who he promptly raped to death. Secondly he pitched an idea to the Heinz Corporation for his own brand mayonaise, they loved the idea and within weeks Gein-o-naise was on the shelves of every supermarket in the world and became the fastest selling mayo of all time. Finally Ed wanted to be re-inserted into his dead mothers vagina so that her womb would be his final resting place. This was done on October 12th 1997 when brave Ed lost his fight and as was his dying wish he was lovingly shoved back up his dead mothers snatch.
[edit] ...Or Did He?
Recently, many people have been dying due to stab wounds in the face. These people were all considered "pretty uncool" and "lame", so their deaths were justified. These deaths of justice are similar to Ed's early slaughtering people unwanted by society, so it is believed Ed may still be alive, continuing his heroic job by making the world a better place.
[edit] Ed Gein's Books
Sometime in the year 1, Ed Gein had several books published on himself. First, Ed Gein: The Ghoul of Plainfield. Next, Ed Gein: The Butcher of Plainfield. Third, Ed Gein 3: Regeined. Fourth, Ed Gein: The Return of Eddie. Fifth, Ed Gein: And friends . And finally, Ed Gein: The Final Geining. These books were met with severe laughs from critics. They questioned his sanity and kept right on drinkin' their long island iced teas. Finding their lack of faith disturbing, Eddie pulled them in two and then created some GEIN O's (Ed Gein's personal cereal) of their flesh.
[edit] Ed Gein's Inspiration on Media
Gein's tale of bravery and justice have inspired many novels and movies. Some of which are:
- Bambi
- Million Dollar Baby
- Beavis and Butthead Do America
- Robocop
- Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle
- Sin City
- Dr Quinn, Medicine Woman
- 50 First Dates
- The DaVinci Code
- Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
- The Rocky Horror Picture Show
- The Dude in The Big Lebowski
- And the third season of Different Strokes
- Gigli
- The Godfather
- Scary movie 2
- Scary movie 4
- Watership Down
[edit] Fun Facts
- Ed Gein loved Pudding.
- Ed Gein has Fists of Fury. The tale of how he came to obtain these is chronicled in the movie Million Dollar Baby.
- Ed Gein and Tupac Shakur were best friends at one time. In fact, there was a picture of Ed and Tupac hanging out taken 3 seconds before Tupac was stabbed 8 times in the face and robbed of his bling by a mysterious person. Edward was crushed by his death, but comforted with some new gold chains he claimed he found in the street.
- Ed Gein's mom was not a zombie.
- Ed Gein is an anagram for Dingee. This word means nothing whatsoever, but it's still an interesting fun fact.
- Ed Gein once defeated Jeffery Dahmer but only by using his mind laser where he shot pistachios from his mind. Jeffrey Dahmer's last words were "I will be reincarnated one day as a peanut and I will destroy the entire human race with my trusty pal whaley the humpback whale."
- Ed Gein started a fashion line of skin-tight clothes made of people's skin. It was met with mixed reviews as to whether it was fashionable or not. Its status of uniqueness mostly differed from person to person.
- Ed Gein loves shiny things, and likes to talk to his hands, and smell them.
