Edinburgh University

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One of the top three Universities in the British Empire (surpassed only by the Scumbria Institure of Leisure Wear Management and 'KP Sauce Sponsors the University of Central London') Edinburgh University is the public disgrace of Scottish higher education, and the unfortunate loser of a recent battle with the St Andrews University, who have since taken over administration of Edinburgh University with a view to eventually converting it into a chain of luxury brothels.

History[edit]

Formed in 541BC by the Emperor Flabian, the University occupies nearly all of central Edinburgh, and owns the Castle, the Royal Mile, the New Town, Princes Street Gardens, Princes Street, the entire gay district, and the statue of Greyfriars Bobby on George IV Bridge. Originally there were one tutor and one lecturer to serve the whole student population, but they died in a game of Ultimate Frisbee because no-one adequately explained the rules. The current student population teach themselves by reading Uncyclopedia. Nevertheless, they are all magnificent scholars and recently invented cures for Aids, Cancer, Stupidity and Being Common. Two of these cures involve being stabbed.

Modern Edinburgh 'Uni'[edit]

Despite this lack of staff, Edinburgh University has gone from strength to strength and now has almost 11 students, studying for MAs in subjects such as Unprotected Sex and Binge Drinking.

Edinburgh Uni has an intake from all over East Lothian - the University is justly proud of its diverse student body, particularly the international admissions department which recruits in England and the Welsh Congo.

Facts and Figures[edit]

  • The Chancellor, the Duke of Edinburgh, has met every student personally. It took him nearly seven minutes.
  • Boris Johnson, the greatest man alive, was once publicly ridiculed by the students of EdinUni when they asked him to be their rectum. He politely declined before he wiggled them all to death.
  • 118% of graduates die diet.
  • Edinburgh students are entitled to wear the Balamory tartan, which looks a bit naff.