Education in Malaysia

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Batu Pahat High School, Johor

Schools in Malaysia educate the children primarily about the smatijove, and also to become high achievers; eg. to be able to create the HIGHEST pile of pirated VCDs, the LONGEST line of cows, or even the BIGGEST Ramly burger. To achieve the best of the best results, school children are made to carry huge bags containing books that must weigh at least 57% of said child's own body weight. This builds up their back muscles and backbone so that they will not only look great, but have excellent overall posture. If you disagree with this, you are not patriotic! Note that much like in the military, students are required to wake up at 0600 hours every day. Uniforms are specially designed for dual purposes: firstly, to look as unattractive as humanly possible (because to have clothes that actually fit would be a sin, although some die-hard Malaysians claim that the normal uniform, which covers all parts of the body except the face and the hands, is already far too sexy). The uniform also functions as a portable torture device, trapping students in their own body heat in a country that is already close to 38°C on a normal day. Some schools go the extra mile by forcing some to wear blazers on top of their uniform. Efficiency of the uniform is maximized by strict rules against untucked shirts or rolled-up sleeves. Name tags are also utilized so that teachers don't actually have to remember your name.

The teachers in school have total control of you. They can whip, rotan, and smack you like there's no tomorrow when you do something stupid, such as forgetting to bring your name tag. No, you cannot sue a teacher, because your parents will never be on your side. Rest assured, though, that students do fight back. A popular way of coping with disciplinary action is to take drugs in the toilet, go back to the teacher's office and stab the teacher with a pair of scissors (I am not kidding).

The education system will at one point stream the children according to what they're "good at". Children who are weird or nerdy will be streamed towards science, while those who are too stupid to amount to anything useful will be streamed to the arts. Those who are only good at sports... well, who cares. As you can see, the Malaysian education system is kind enough to dictate your future for you.

In accordance with the institutionalized racism practiced in Malaysia (officially known as "Bumiputra Rights", where special privileges are given to the majority of the population), exam scores do not actually matter in examinations. Often you will see non-bumiputra students getting 7A's for their SPM (the Malaysian equivalent of the SAT's) finally working as pirated vcd sellers, while bumiputra students are given a free ride to study overseas, with their single A's. Malaysia is a one-of-a-kind country; it is probably the only place in the world where one has to fill in their race when sitting for a public examination. Upon writing 'bumiputra', you are automatically granted sixty marks. Bizarrely, non-bumiputras generally still manage to get the highest scores in the country.

After School Tuition is a must, as school teachers are generally too incompetent to teach their students anything useful. All Malaysian students must go to tuition classes to get the latest leaks in exams.

The education system of Malaysia is unique, being the only system in the world to penalize high achievers and reward idiots. Brains are exported overseas while the least brightest are nurtured locally, which is the main reason why Malaysians will be unable to differentiate between left and right by 2020. All Malaysians attend 11 years of compulsory brainwashing at government facilities called public schools. Upon graduating, ethnic Malays either enroll in top-quality world class Malaysian universities or creativity classes such as The Art of Mat Rempit and The Basics of Porno DVD Production, while non-Malays generally get the fuck out of the country.


A student sitting for the SPM examination is analogous to a cow, as this examination assesses the ability of students to swallow and regurgitate information. Subjects can be easily passed by memorizing the textbook without actually understanding anything. While other international examinations are increasing in standard every year, the SPM examination has shown a steady decline since the 70's. The reason is simple: if the standard is lowered, more students (Malays) will be able to score A's, and this would appear as if Malaysians are getting smarter every year.

For example, take a look at actual questions for SPM Math:

  • 1960s: The equation 3x^2+px+120=0, where p >0 has roots α and β. α-β=3. Evaluate the value of p and (αβ)^2. Hence, calculate the third derivative of y=3x^2+px+120.
  • 1980s: The quadratic equation x^2+px+q=0 has roots -2 and 6. Find the value of (p+q), hence, form a quadratic equation with roots p, q.
  • 2000s: A quadratic equation has the roots 2 and 3. State the sum of 2 and 3.
  • 2020s: If the number 2 is a color, would you like that color? Why?

The SPM has 6 compulsory subjects: Malay, substandard English, 'Modern' Math, Immoral Education for the kaffirs and Plane Hijacking for Muslims, PseudoScience and Fabricated History.

While Bumis learn how to slam planes into buildings, non-Muslim students have to tolerate 2 years of ineffective brainwashing during Moral lessons. The dynamics behind Moral Studies is simple: if you can memorize a pre-determined definition of a pre-determined "moral value", this means that you are a good person. If you cannot memorize the definitions, then you deserve to burn in hell.

Civics was introduced in 2005 by heroic politicians concerned for students' welfare , as well as teaching the students to love Malaysia ("Malaysia" is synonymous with "National Party") . Through the textbooks, Malaysian students are taught that Malaysia is a peaceful and multi-racial country unlike the US, where only whities exist (incidentally, this is also the lie given to tourists who otherwise could not be convinced to visit Malaysia instead of its slightly less backward neighbour, Singapore). Unfortunately, the lessons have backfired, as students largely use the lessons to catch up on sleep.

To protect young minds from the horrors of real life, "Sejarah", which is a parody of History, is also taught in schools. Topics included are Islam, Islam, the history of Islam, the contributions of Islam, Ways In Which The Sultans Of Old Whored Out The Country For A Few Pieces Of Gold, Malays, contributions of Malays, Why We Like Islam, and a short chapter briefly explaining all other historical events on earth since the beginning of man.

Language Dillema[edit]

Following a policy reversal of teaching Math and Science in English, nation-wide SPM test scores for rural areas increased by 0.005%, which government experts claim has huge significance even though most citizens in rural areas never have, and never will, travel more than 6.5 kilometers outside of their home town. Universities outside the country refuse to accept any SPM candidates and the Malaysian university ranking has plummeted another 20 places, sitting behind Zimbabwe, Nigeria and Somalia.

Confusion strikes Najib

Cellphones in School[edit]

A Malaysian secondary school class photo. All but one lady sitting in the back row are wearing the baju kurung who is the teacher of the class.

Malaysia is the one and only country where the Education Minister initially suggested that cellphones be allowed in schools, citing several benefits, only to change his mind just a few days later. Some reasons for the ban are that teachers worry about exposing too much cleavage, only to have the students take a shot and report it. Another worry is that students seem to like sending crude messages and disturbing pictures to each other after finishing their test papers too early and have another 2 hours to wait..

URM (Universiti Rasuah Malaysia)[edit]

Due to high demands, a new campus at Kuala Lumpur is now open. Required education for Datuks, Tan Sris, YB's, etc., both current and future. Courses available are:

  1. Foundation Study of Rasuah - It only takes a year to build up some basic skills (ie: apple-polishing, bargaining with police, playing golf with big people, and many more), this course will be conducted in Rojak (a mixture of six languages, more practical) and we have experts to guide you.
  2. Datukship - We teach you the methods to becoming a Datuk, Tan Sri, etc. You need a semester for this lah.
  3. Making a Fortune - We teach you 'government connections'. Three semesters are needed and you will be guided by ex-politicians/ex-businessmen (senior), to help you make a fortune in Malaysia.
  4. Foundation of Material Inspection - The one and only course which offers a"close one eye" inspection skill on buildings and amenities. Sign of a successful inspection are leakage, collapsing structures, mess up wires, etc...
  5. Certificate in Smartijove studies - Apply early as this space is quickily filled up every year. Quota: 99% Malays, 1% non-malays and other indegeneous people.
  6. Diploma in Racism - The only professor is Babi Hamaludin and nazi ass-is. You will be taught how to fuck over the Chinese and Indians
  7. Diploma in Politicism - We will teach you how to become a successful and influential politician, how to say "1Malaysia!" while simultaneously fucking the Chinks and Indian bastards up the ass, and how to deal with those annoying Al-Jazeera bitches that keep calling Malaysia an un-democratic country. Those who know how to pronounce "election" as "erection" will have a higher chance of being accepted.
  8. Ph. D in Mahathirism & Melayu-ism - Doing researches about important Malaysian subjects such as Money Politics, Ketuanan Melayu, Pendatang-ism, Melayu-ism and Dictatorshipism.

For more information, please call Kerishamuddin through mail to Kementerian Seks Malaysia.

IPTA (Public University)[edit]

Standard Bumiputra Rights apply.

Kolej (College)[edit]

Malaysia has private universities colleges such as Monash and Taylor's Kolej (College). The lecturers speak in half broken english and the mispronounciations are hilarious. They claim to have PHDs and Doctorates but, usually bought from diploma such as Irish International University (which Ireland claims to have no knowledge of). Any questions they don't know the answer to will be answered: "cannot" + "lah" at the end.

Shorts and sandals are considered to be the uniform of most commoners. Shoes and proper clothings that you didn't sleep in are frowned upon. Kolej students spend their time in non-sexual relations such as mamak eating group massacres (ie: a group of 20+ malays to go eat at a local mamak) here they discuss their school work and watch wrestling.

Kolej in Malaysia is equivalent to a flea market in the hood; people are most likely to sell you something in between classes. They'll have excuses like "it's for charity" or some shit but we all know the money goes to the Chinese cook thats grinning behind the cafeteria booth. Everything costs extra money; your fees are not enough.

DISCLAIMER: The chinky chong who wrote this article has no PhD himself, neither has he done any research or has any publications in his life, but reserves the right to criticize the rest of the country. What about his broken english you say? It's called "chinklish", which he thinks is proper. To justify himself, Chinky ass here carries a certificate from his chinky sharman that says he has the widespread Bodohland-CHINK slit eye disease called Syok sendiri aka head up own ass syndrome.

DISCLAIMER-DISCLAIMER: The above racist fascist pig has obviously no merit to his argument and thus you may now disregard it and retain your (obviously biased) view on local Unis in Malaysia. He is also probably Malay and therefore does not recognize 'Freedom of speech' for other people, though he obviously exercises his freedom of speech. He probably thinks it's his Allah-given right.

THIRD DISCLAIMER: The shorts and sandals thing is true, though. Also I've fixed up the English a bit.


Art Colleges[edit]

Art students in Malaysia are not allow to study human body drawing, it was banned some 20 years ago because the government see it as GATAL (erotic, dirty and lustful). No no, you are not allow to see nudes (that explains why the country is so desperate about pr0n on the internet). If you go to an art college in Malaysia, human anatomy sessions mean drawing male models wearing football pants. The Malay-Muslim art students are also not allowed to draw women wearing the Malay traditional sarong, because that is also consider GATAL. Today, there is a controversy going on. Malay-Muslim art students came up with a brilliant idea of drawing invisible women dressed only in Victoria Secret panties and bras. Whether or not this will be allowed or banned, we shall know in the near future.

Government Scholarship[edit]

Again, standards Bumiputra Rights apply.