Eeyore

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Eeyore grimly overlooking the rubble from the Marxist camp after being destroyed by Mexican Troops.

“All the greats, Edgar Allen Poe, Chopin, Mozart, Shakespeare...owe a debt to that jackass.”

~ James Lipton on Some Asshole Who Talks about Movies

Eeyore (b. March 18 1970) is a character in the book series Winnie the Pooh, written by The Lead Singer of The Cure. He is a pessimistic, gloomy, old, goth, stuffed donkey who pisses and moans constantly. Did I forget emo?

Physically, Eeyore is described as a pudgy purple mother fucker. He has a long tail, of which he is very fond, but also prone to losing. Whenever he loses his tail, he muses to his friends about committing suicide. They typically interpret this as a cry for attention, and they ignore him.

Birth and Early Life[edit]

Eeyore was born in Nicaragua to parents Maria Forjador and Chuck Burneksky. Maria had ties with the-then Chinese gangster Winnie-the-Pooh and ran drugs as a mule (LOL, get it, mule?) as well as an illegal abortion clique out of her shack house, both of which she was arrested for several times and escaped with the help of Pu's gang. Although he never formally attended school, Eeyore enjoyed reading and read whatever was available. at the age of 7, Eeyore was molested by his uncle Matt Forjador, who was allegedly arrested within hours with Pu's help, never to be seen again. His abuse made him angry and depressed, and for a while quit reading. He became an active local at the age of 11, occasionally helping with community projects, whereby he acquired a fondness for activism. At 14, he became a devout Marxist, and with his mother's permission, joined a commune, where he stayed until age 23. He began undercover work for Castro and fought to over-through the Mexican government. Having failed, he became an enemy of the Mexican state. With Pu's help, he fled to the newly created Hundred-Acre-Wood, where he continued his agenda.

Eeyore, decked out in the garb that inspired a musical movement.

Influence on Popular Culture[edit]

  • It is widely believed that Eeyore's personality has served as the primary inspiration for The Emo Movement.
  • Pete Wentz of Fall Out Boy is rumored to have mimicked Eeyore's detachable tail by severing his own penis and reattaching it with a rusty nail and some duct tape.
  • Eeyore was may have been the inspiration for the one and only time that Kenny killed himself.