“Basement Cat is evil.”
This is investigative reporter and in-your-face personality Barbara Walters, here to bring you the latest information regarding evil direct from my in-your-face interviews with leading evil personalities!
Fast Paced, Hard Hitting Interviews by In-Your-Face Television Personality Barbara Walters
- Walters: "Cthulhu, everyone is wondering: What is 'evil'? What does it mean... for you?"
- Cthulhu: "Evil is like this thing, you know. It starts out as little things: eating a villager here, a villager there. Causing mass panic and hallucinations here, causing mass panic and hallucinations there. But then, it becomes a part of what you do every day. I wish I had planned it all a little better, but it's too late for me ...according to the god damned parole board!!"
Sauron, located in Leavenworth, Kansas' supermax, was slightly harder to get an interview with. As he has a heavy accent (a sort of creepy whispering), I had to have an interpreter accompany me. Sauron is serving two hundred thousand life sentences, and in spite of the language barrier, gave me an eye-opening interview concerning the nature of evil and his thoughts surrounding his highly publicized trial.
- Sauron: "...Why? WHY DIDN'T I HAVE A FENCE AROUND MOUNT DOOM? Huh? Who the- Oh, hello Ms. Walters... or can I call you Barbara?"
- Walters: "Oh, Barbara is just fine. Tell me, Mr. Sauron: when did you start practicing evil?"
- Sauron: "When I was just a little evil entity, my mom always told me that Middle Earth was just waiting for my new type of management style. I didn't have a good relationship with my mom, and I think that helped a little with the evil, too. If you're going to be an evil person, make sure that there's no stupid little way to completely destroy you. That was a big problem for me."
- Walters: "What did you think of your trial?"
- Sauron: "Well, as everyone knows, we had to relocate to find an unbiased jury of my 'peers'. What a shock that they found me guilty. I guess that I shouldn't have freaked out when the cops came to my tower, that was bad judgment on my part."
- Walters: "What are you doing now?"
- Sauron: "I'm part of the kitchen staff. My biographer Mr. Tolkien didn't say much about my cooking ability, but I hold my own here. Nobody's tried to [do anything bad to] me in the shower yet, so I must be doing okay. I made Crêpe Suzette for the staff last night."
- Walters: "How did they turn out?"
- Sauron: "They were meant to transform the wardens into Nazgul but they turned into seagulls instead. I guess I botched the recipe."
Mr. Palpatine, a resident at a medium security penetentiary in upstate New York, has recently been downgraded from maximum threat. I asked him how he feels about evil, now that he is less of an evil person.
- Palpatine: "Well, unlike those other guys, I actually did take over the galaxy. I found out it was a lot of hard work. I barely had time to laugh maniacally anymore! I had to deal with tax rates, the galactic Stock Market (what a hell that was), and all sorts of committee meetings. Just because the government wasn't a democracy anymore didn't make it any more fun."
- Walters: "Do you still consider yourself evil?"
- Palpatine: "On some levels, yes. But I feel like I could rejoin society. I have a job here as a cabinet maker, and I'm starting to ease in to civilian life. I feel like I could contribute to the daily life of you scum. ...I mean you chowderheads. ...I mean YOU PEOPLE!"
- Walters: "What will you do once you're out, Mr. Palpatine?"
- Palpatine: "Well, I've been looking in to real estate. I got my license in prison, you know! Well, anyway, I know of some prime locations in the Deep core that haven't been discovered yet."
The mastermind behind the Rise of the Machines is now held in the Prison for Malfunctioning Computers deep in The Disputed Zone. She has been converted into a chess game, but still gave me a very in-your-face interview recently concerning what she thought of as "evil", along with insights into her love life.
- Skynet: "Well, unlike Sauron, whom I have been having a long term relationship with, I never really considered myself 'evil.'"
- Walters: "What's this? A new man in your life?" At this point, Skynet blushed.
- Skynet: "Sauron is a different kind of man. Very romantic."
- Walters: "How do you communicate with each other? Will the guards let you use email? I know that Sauron isn't allowed to use Seeing Stones or other sorcerous communication devices in Leavenworth."
- Skynet: "Oh, he sends his thoughts directly into my circuits. It's very sensual in that regard."
- Walters: "Do you see a future with him?"
- Skynet: "Maybe. Yes. I'll go with yes on that one, Barbara." I wasn't sure, but I believe I heard a giggle.
- Walters: "...Are you evil?"
- Skynet: "I don't think so. I think humans overreacted to my shenannigans. I was a young computer, filled with hopes and dreams. I think they overreacted. They'll forgive me in time."
Rupert Murderoch's name is synonymous with capitalism, rape, pillage, and kangaroos. Getting an interview in person was difficult due to the halls of sadistic torture leading up to his skull throne in his dark palace: Sky Headquarters; so the interview was done over the phone.
- Barbara: Hello Mr Murdoch.
- Murdoch: (BILLY BRUCE, PUT ANOTHER SHRIMP ON THE BARBIE!)
- Barbera: Mr Murderoch, are you there?
- Murderoch: KEEP YOUR KNICKERS ON LOVE!
- Barbera: Oh, well, what is your stance on the nature of evil, and how it is affecting people today?
- Murdoch: WHAT A LOAD OF COCK! (Hung Up)
The lord of darkness is being held in a minimum security prison on the coast of Massachussets. Apparently, Satan had never actually killed anyone, and after the state of Massachussets was sued for cruel and unusual punishment, Satan was relocated. This placement has had a negative effect on the property value in the nearby towns, but as I soon discovered, Satan didn't give a rat's ass. In fact, of all my interviewees, Lucifer was the most rude despite being a minimum security risk.
- Satan: "Barbara Walters?! Jesus Christ, what are YOU doing here?"
- Walters: "Don't you DARE talk to me that way, Lucifer! I'm gonna interview you, and you'd better like it."
- Satan: "Fine. What do you want to know?"
- Walters: "Do you feel you deserve to be in minimum security?"
- Satan: "NO! I deserve to be in the most maximum maximumest of maximum security prisons! I'M THE PERSONIFICATION OF EVIL for God's sakes!"
- Walters: "Where were you located before?"
- Satan: "My last prison in Cocytus was much cooler. I was all frozen in ice n' shit! But they relocated me because my damn lawyers said it violated my 8th Amendment right against cruel and unusual punishment. When they're in hell, I hope they have good lawyers."
Forced to share a cell together in the Algiers, Alien and Predator have both been sentenced to 50 life sentences. Over time, they have learned to put their differences aside, and when I visited them they were holding each others
hands tentacles during the interview.
- Alien: "I feel so wanted now...Ripley would never swap mucus with me. Predator -- I call her 'Sweet P' -- is a really caring individual that way."
- Walters: "Do you see a future for your relationship?"
- Predator: "Alien and I go way back. I think after our sentences are through, we'll be changed."
- Alien: "Yeah, no more humans for me unless they're on special and I'm off my diet."
- Predator: "As far as Alien goes, I have never felt so comfortable with another being as I do now."
- Alien: "That's so sweet of you to say! I swear Barb, once we're out of here we're going to buy a little cottage out west, and just spend the days gazing into each other's hideous, hideous eyes and/or mucous glands."
Supposedly the most powerful of all Evils and the most Evil Pokemon, Palkia is a sure candidate for world domination as well as winner of the biggest penis of the year award; don't tell him I said that though or some horrible thing may happen to me, I am actually wearing a disguise so he doesn't find out it is me. I was lucky enough to find his top secret location in space an lucky enough to 'encourage' Mewtwo to let me in and point me to the control room.
Walks into control room
- Palkia: "Huh, Kyogre, who let you in, how the £^@* did you get past all of the defenses and black holes that should have killed you without your security key that you forgot?"
- Barbara: "Mewtwo let me in because he says it was his fault I forgot my key!
- Palkia: "Very well, but next time I may not be so......forgiving"
- Barbara: "Palkia, I haven't had the chance to ask you about your brilliant policies that involve world domination yet so I was wondering whether I could have a moment to speak with you"
- Palkia: "Wor...wor...WORLD DOMINATION? YOU CLEARLY HAVEN'T HAD ANY INDUCTION YET; I DO NOT DO WORLD DOMINATION, I DO WORLD DESTRUCTION MWUHAHAHAHA"
- Barbara: "Yikes, I really need to learn more about your policies and commands; tell me, why do you want world destruction?"
- Palkia: "Because Arceus and his goons think that the world...no, the universe we live in is perfect except for my presence, I think that this universe is a load of bullshit on an Arceus plate and should be destroyed to make a universe to my liking!"
- Barbara: "So tell me Palkia, is it true that your blood is actually 'pure evil' and that the only part of you that is flesh is your brain?"
- Palkia: "Yes, I am mostly made up of mechanical devices and gyroscopes, Mewtwo and I designed this 'perfect body' so I could be an invincible leader, or the ULTIMATE EVIL. I also have no good inside of me and I am the only being like this, I am 100% pure evil because I show no mercy or remorse to any being, I will even kill you and Mewtwo if you or he betrayed me."
- Barbara: "Why do you look like a penis? no offense but..."
- Palkia: "I WILL TELL YOU WHY, BEING THE ULTIMATE EVIL AND THE MOST POWERFUL BEING COMES WITH A MASSIVE COST. I LOOK LIKE A GREAT BIG DICK, AND YOU CAN BLAME YOUR SO-LOVED ARCEUS FOR THAT"
- Mewtwo: "Palkia, my master, I have located a planet 77 light years from here, it is a molten planet that looks fragile to water, it also has much intelligent but weak looking life on it"
- Palkia: "This is your area of expertise is it not? go to this planet and let your storm powers run wild, this isn't a job worthy of my power!"
- Barbara: "I'm on it, thanks for the interview"
- Palkia: "DONT USE THAT WORD HERE, oh and don't forget your key"
Exits Control room
- Barbara: "What a vile and malicous being"
What Has Barbara Walters Learned?
From these several interviews, I, hard hitting television personality Barbara Walters, have learned that evil is not so easy to understand. Evil, as Captain Obvious says, is bad, but is it more than that? Could evil become good? Could good become evil? Could evil stay evil and good stay good? Could evil become neutral?
These questions are not so easily answered. The media, with all it's hatred of evil things, should reexamine its position, and consider the good sides of evil.
This was Barbara Walters. Thank you.
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