Egg nog
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Egg nog (or Eggnog) is a type of milky, eggy, noggy beverage, which (like an elderly uncle) is usually drunk around Christmas. Recipies vary, but apart from the aforementioned eggs, milk, and nog (a coarse mash made from kittens), common ingredients include sugar, nutmeg, cinnamon, broccoli, uranium and holiday cheer.
The drink has its origins in ancient Germany, where it was used as a cure for baldness, and also for excessive hairiness. It was only after its introduction to the New World colonies that people began to drink egg nog for pleasure. Mostly because there was little else to do for pleasure, as sex was not imported until a few years later, and even then the parent countries imposed heavy excise taxes.
Commonly assumed to be an alcoholic beverage, egg nog in fact contains no alcohol, and the feeling of intoxication it produces is actually a result of peer pressure.
Eggnog is also an important part of the Eggnogstic faith.
Eggnog is associated with Swine Flu, or a bacterial infection from the consumption of raw eggs, chicken feathers, hermit crabs, pickled frog legs and the souls of the innocent.
[edit] Controversy
In the past it was thought that excessive consumption of egg nog led to all kinds of unsavoury behaviours and health conditions, including atheism, backgammon, prank calling, mumps, harddrive fragmentation and swelling of the earlobes. Abolitionists attributed these effects to various supposed ingredients of egg nog, most famously a substance known as 'essence of naughtiness', whose existence has never been conclusively proven.
Meanwhile, the artists and writers who formed the main body of pro-nog feeling claimed that the drink had entirely positive effects, opening their minds and allowing them to produce works of unprecedented originality and dazzling genius. It was, they claimed, the catalyst for a new age in human endeavour, the fuel of creativity. It was the drink of the revolution.
Current scientific analysis, however, tells us that both groups were idiots.
[edit] Cultural impact
Egg Nog has long been renowned as a mysterious, almost magical substance, and is particularly associated with Parisian artists and writers of the late 19th and early 20th centuries. Nicknamed La Feé Filant (The Gloopy Fairy), it was featured in many works of that period. Noted drinkers include Vincent Van Gogh (who was a nogaholic), Manet, Monet, Minet, and of course Toulouse Lautrec, who, being too short to reach the shelf the egg nog was kept on, spent half his fortune hiring prostitutes to get it down for him, until the invention of the trampoline finally allowed him to be self-sufficient. After being virtually ignored by Western civilization for the past five years, there has been a huge surge of interest in Egg Nog recently due to its psychedelic and spiritual healing properties. Prince and Paris Hilton are known to use Egg Nog on a frequent basis.
[edit] Eggnog and Hedgehog Torture
It has been scientifically proven possible to torture someone by first forcing the victim to drink plenty of eggnog, and then making said victim watch the "Special Stage" of Sonic the Hedgehog 3. Note that the special stage of Sonic and Knuckles is equally effective. The result is motion sickness followed by explosive vomiting. A few performance artists have also deliberately "tortured" themselves, with an easel and canvas ready. Yoko Ono did this, and named the resulting messy canvas "three swallows singing in comment of the state of post-modernist society through which we all transit." Come to find out, she was a member of the aformentioned group of idiots.
WARNING: Drinking egg nog may cause strokes, seizures, grand mal seizures, petite mal seizures, other seizures with French names, hallucinations, burps, vomiting, explosive diarrhea, temporary or permanent blindness, death, flatulence, ear infections, sore throat, that crap in the eyes, a tummy ache and a runny nose all at the same time.
| It's Not Such a Bad Little Article. Maybe all it needs is a little love. Please show this article some love by improving it. |
