El Paso, Texas

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Jump to: navigation, search

“Out in the West Texas town of El Paso, I fell in love with a Mexican girl.”

~ Marty Robbins on Plano

El Paso is a city in the Republic of West Texas, and NOT MEXICO, China, Taiwan, or the disbanded Oligarchy of my Cock.

History[edit]

El Paso was founded in the jurassic period by Shao-lin Monks, seeking to escape the persecution and attacks of Mexican Dinosaurs. They named the new place the place were the dinosaurs will not rip us limb from limb, or El Paso which means a whales vagina in spanish. Many people joined them in the 8th century, hoping to mine Phazon. It later became the birth place of Kung-fu. " EVERY BODY WAS KING FUU FIGHTING!!!! THOSE JERKS WERE FAST AS LIGHTNING!!!" In 2222, on June 1 at 6:00, El Paso was stolen by illegal aliens from the south of the Rio Grande, legend has it that it was Julio Juan Jacobo Jose Luis Miguel Fernando Manuel Gonzalez de La Sagrada Familia del Lago donde Pepe se mato Mientras disfrutaba de una BudLight who led the heist. Two minutes later, the ransom was paid by very rich white people and the Earth took back El Paso and two tons of Bean BURRITOS with hatch green chile on the side (alumbre) for fire hot.

El Paso was later destroyed to make room for a Cowboy preserve. John Cook vetoed the destruction.

On March 1, 2232, the Cowboy preserve was destroyed to make room for El Paso II.

On March 2, 2232, El Paso II was destroyed to make room for a huge statue of Ernest Borgnine.

On March 3, 2232, El Paso loses World War VII to horny nazis led by Hitler's twin sister"Acock Kiker"

In the 1850s the great Mexican conspiracy to dominate political, cultural and economically the United States started in this bordertown and until now this conspiracy has been effectively executed in El Paso with now more than 80% of population turned to Mexicanism and non-mexican people have been secluded in concentration camps making tortillas for export to North Korea.

Culture[edit]

El Paso has a very unusual and vibrant culture that is the envy of many Nazi sympathizers and Oregonian street-walkers. The city's cultural heritage consists primarily of constructing elaborate paper mache effigies of famous celebrities and attempting to bring them into being through ancient shamanistic magic.

The city's close proximity to Ciudad Juarez, Mexico has allowed it to absorb much of that city's cosmopolitan culture, including cuisine, music, drug trafficking, Nextel walkie-talkie style communication, and unsightly architechture.

It is a well known fact that burning less than 18 devotional candles with pictures of Saints on them (Such as Saint Allen the Cowboy and Saint Nacho) per day is considered a grave offense to native El Pasoenianites and will result in death by burrito-slap.

Installing hydraulics in one's car (the car has to be a lowrider, mind you) is considered to be a rite of passage into manhood.

At night it is common to spot someone fishing their cousin out of the Rio Grande after a failed attempt to cross into the U.S.

El Paso's Asian population has been forced into the city's downtown region where they are to sell horrible items at prices less than the value of pubic hair. If they disagree to sell products at a low cost or make any attempt to escape to any other part of the city they are to be nuked.

Religion[edit]

El Paso's Relgious Breakdown is as follows:

  • 120% Facialism
  • 123.456% Texan Separatists, usually White Anglo Saxon Protestants in trailer parks.
  • .7890% Southern Baptists, in their mass conversion of Mexicans and Cactus program.
  • 200% Roman (Mexican) Catholics
  • 22% Jewish
  • 20% Jewish and a half
  • 14.9% Pastafarian
  • 1% Muslim, aka Lalalalalalalalalalala!
  • 5% Voodoo
  • 23.76% The Mars Volta
  • 69.12% The Divine Church Of Yamantaka
  • 13% are heathens, which must be fought, "we" will fight the heathens

At least once a month, native El Pasoaneites can be seen congregating in the desert to worship the local deity, known simply as "Keg."

Education[edit]

Education, even by 19th-century standards, does not exist in El Paso. From a young age, children are taught from outdated science textbooks that do not recognize that the Earth revolves around the sun while sitting in run-down classrooms complete with missing floorboards, outhouse bathrooms, and American flags with only 48 stars. All of this is due to the negligence of the Texas Education Agency, who apparently regard El Paso, or anywhere in Texas west of Lubbock, as the land that God forgot.

El Paso (or at least the 3% of the city that can afford daily meals of Ramen noodles and cockmeat sandwiches from sweaty fraternity brothers) is served by South Central State University, known to locals as Jutep. El Paso Community College is the best place to start, but a miserable and unfulfilling place to finish. For high schools, El Paso is home to a wide variety of high schools, all of which reek of failure and none of which meet basic statewide standards when even the most extreme inflations are applied to students' grades on tests such as the TAKS (Totally Annihilating Kids' Self-esteem) and the STAAR (Slowly Turning Are (?) bAbies into stupid Retards) Like I said, nobody in El Paso can read past a fourth-grade level. These high schools include the Clint Eastwood College Preparatory Institute, JM "Tom" Hanks High School, Americas High School, Keys Academy for the Gifted and Talented, and the Francisco "Fronchi" de Coronado Academy for Pretentious Douchebaggery.

Politics[edit]

El Paso is run by Mexican jumping beans, with a few Jews on the side. Blacks like to rob trains. Planes are the exclusive domain of left-handed hockey players. A few Isleta Indians here and there have their own ghetto, their own police, fire dept., schools, medical clinics and the like, may well be another country of its own. They also have Speaking Rock, a temple once dedicated to Hulk Hogan and Whoopi "Whoopin Ass" Goldberg. This is where you can truly roll up to the Spirit in the Sky. Canadians have their own turf in the Eastern and northern edges of town where they try to cultivate maple syrup in the desert while saying "eh" and "aboat" in the prowsess. "Barrio Azteca" Democrats are the majority here. Asians are unheard of in this region. Though Caucasians make the most miniscule portion of the city's overall population, they still record a record high of 32 cases of "sexual assault" on a daily basis as well as the comedic action of "public masturbation" which has become legalized through various bills on tumultuous remonstrations involving a mass feud of excessive masturbation among the legislators and protestors.

Economy[edit]

El Paso's primary exports are dirty water and dirty jokes.

El Paso's primary employer is Chico's Tacos, which also happens to be the largest consumer of rat meat in the continental U.S.

El Paso also serves as a major distribution center for illegal immigrants, many are sent to North Carolina to obtain driver's liscences and other places, such as Canadia and the Midwest.

El Paso's primary export are Neon freeway arches, "discount Prada Bags" and corporate whores.

El Paso applied for professional sports and minor league baseball so many times, it's no longer expected. But head down to Juarez (or JT Juarez Town) to see a bullfight, cockfight, gunfight futbol game or the Sun bowl college football game (the Rio Grande shifted course, thus it's now Mexican land).

Fun Facts about El Paso[edit]

  • On average, absolutely no people are murdered per hour in El Paso.
  • Its sequel is El Paso City.
  • Mexican females are completely unproportional from the waist down due to the excessive "pounding" of the anal cavity. .
  • George W. Bush doesn't care about Mexican People.
  • El Paso's death rate is seventeen times the birth rate.
  • El Paso is home to Mamitas Enchiladas, where the world famous enchiladas de pescado are served.
  • An angry unemployed black man walks in a McDonald's to shoot about 30 Mexican children, then point the gun at himself when the police arrived.
  • Many people that live in El Paso believe that if u whisper "wataka" into a poodles ear on a thursday night, u will be givin super powers.
  • The most common disease in El Paso is sonic diarrhea, followed closely by Geriatric Profanity Disorder (GPD).
  • The first and second drafts of the El Paso Town Charter later became A Modest Proposal by Jonathan Swift.
  • Michael J. Fox coined the term "Indians!" while being gang-raped by Apaches in El Paso.
  • The local copper smelter, ASARCO, has long been known to shoot billowing clouds of VX Nerve Gas and Cholera germs into the atmosphere at random intervals. When questioned about this matter, El Paso City Councilman Stanley Freebowski remarked it was "pretty bitchin." On that note, ASARCO will be re-opened soon, with a newly added pipe connecting to the dog pound, the pipe is there specifically to kill puppies with nerve gas.
  • Vete a la Verga, the world famous Mexican Grill, is locted at the Montana/Hawkins intersection. Its awesome !!!
  • The climactic scene of Star Wars: Episode III in which Anakin is immolated by molten lava was filmed in El Paso's famous 'Sunnydale Meadows' park / iron foundry.
  • El Paso has repeatedly claimed it is sister cities with Atlantis. When informed that Atlantis was, in fact, a fictional city-state, El Paso City Councilman Stanley Freebowski flew into a blind rage and claimed the lives of six reporters.
  • El Paso is well known as the birthplace of James T. Kirk (the T. stands for Tee)
  • El Paso is the birthplace of the most best movie ever, Manos: The Hands of Fate. This alone redeems El Paso for having vicious 12 year olds and Mexicanism.
  • El Paso is also home to the Drag Racing News Vans.
  • Justin 3. Bieber (the 3 stands for Mortimer), the first black Power Ranger, was born in El Paso.
  • Steve Urkel was the mayor of El Paso from 1992 to 1998. He was removed from office when Timmy Turner wished that he could be the lovable nerd on a popular prime-time sitcom. Thus, Urkel was renamed Carlton Banks and moved to the wealthy neighborhood of Bel-Air, California.
  • Jesus was not born in El Paso because it is impossible to find a virgin and three wise men.
  • The Annual Cholo Parade takes place every September 17 in El Paso's Downtown area. At this celebration, local cholos are honored for their disservices to the community, and brave cholos who lost their lives on the battlefield are remembered.
  • Contrary to popular belief, El Paso is the second-safest city in the entire county. On average, only 11.1 gangsters die here every day, and as the Surgeon General has taught us, a common garden-variety gangster's death is worth only about 1/4 of a normal death.
  • In El Paso, goats are honored as the heralds of summer. As such, every year on the summer solstice hordes of young women participate in a contest to see which one will be the first to catch and hogtie a wild goat that has been set loose in the town. The first woman to do this will supposedly bear multiple hairy goat-children (known to most of America as Arizonans) later in the year.
  • Americas High School, located in El Paso, is the world's fifth-largest economy and exports more illegal narcotics and biological toxins than the rest of the Western Hemisphere combined.
  • Emergency exits are located at the front and the rear of El Paso. In the event of a rapid and unexpected loss in cabin pressure, follow the FEMA (Find Every Mexican Available) policy. Even though oxygen is flowing through your Mexican, he may not inflate.
American Old West
Towns

Bakersfield  · Denver  · El Paso  · Fresno  · Los Angeles  · Oklahoma City  · Omaha  · Phoenix  · Portland  · Roswell  · Salt Lake City  · San Antonio  · San Diego  · Santa Fe  · San Francisco  · Seattle  · T or C  · Tucson  · Tulsa  · Yuma

Prominent Figures

Cowboys and Cowgirls · Wild Bill Hickok · Wyatt Earp · Doc Holliday · Jesse James · Chuck Norris · Buffalo Bill · Sitting Bull · Pat Garrett · Jimmy the Cowboy

Transport & trails

Oregon Trail · Mormon Trail

Lore

Battle of the Little Bighorn · The Bunfight at the OK Corral