Electrician

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Master electrician wearing a 100cal "hot suit", preparing for deadly combat with live parts.

Electrician is a title given to veteran members of an ancient cult established in the times of the Old Kingdom of ancient Egypt. Regarded as powerful sorcerers, they are spoken of only in whispers and are feared the world over.

Origins[edit]

Electricians have influenced human civilization for over ten thousand years. Their earliest artifacts are the cool but relatively useless spinning round things first discovered on the Giza Plateau.

They are capable of harnassing immense power which they derive from necromancy and trainee workbooks, and can converse in obscure numerical incantations that have been known to strike bystanders unconscious.

The term 'Elect-trician' originates from the Greek Μίλητον meaning elect all powerfull all wise.

Ancient Texts[edit]

A number of obscure texts held the secrets to the electrician's power. Over three hunrdred scrolls were found in a cistern under the Great Sphinx containing original dogmatic texts. In the most tragic misunderstanding since Jesus parked his camel in Judas' space, Hunter S. Thompson took the scrolls to be bomb ass chronic and proceeded to smoke one hundred of them. He then crushed the remaining 200-odd manuscripts and snorted them with a palm leaf and a tequila chaser. The disciples of Christopher Walken, who were conducting the archeological expedition, spent the next seventy-two days and nights transcribing the texts as Thompson danced wildly in the sands dictating his impressions of the manuscripts and periodically firing a machine gun in the air.

Nine of the thirty-six disciples went insane listening to the ramblings, and another three were killed by stray bullets as they continued to resupply Thompson with ammunition and disco grade coke and acid over the ten week ordeal. No one ever suggested they stop giving Thompson bullets or drugs; this proved unwise as the caravan's herd of pack Russians was also killed by gunfire, stranding the expedition.

Without their beasts of burden to dig for water or chew down palm trees, the situation grew desperate as the bitterly cold Egyptian winter set in. The selfish Thompson began to negotiate with Walken as to how the remaining rations would be apportioned between the expedition and Thompson's entourage of junkies and erotic dancers. In his infinite wisdom, Walken struck a deal whereby he and Thompson would shoot up the last of the tequila and acid in a magnificent speedball from hell. That night, as the two chased each other up and down the pyramids, Walken was heard to remark, "The stars...huff, huff...seem to, be...fallin'!" to which Thompson responded, "I'll show those mother fuckers who's fallin'!" Raising his hands to the sky, he called down bolts of hellfire which cut through the blizzard that raged over the plateau, reanimating the pack Russians into mostly functional zombies. The marooned expedition was miraculously spared from painful death.

These events were later adapted into the popular novel and film Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. Thompson used the proceeds to found the First Order of the IBEW. MacGyver was appointed as provisional chairman pending organized elections. However, at the coronation party the decietful MacGyver persuaded an inebriated Jesus to turn the Pabst into 151 Rum, and after everyone else passed out he crossed "provisional" off the IBEW charter using a band-aid and a paperclip. When the members of the order awoke the next morning, no one admitted to becoming black-out drunk from what they thought was cheap beer, and MacGyver's assertion that the charter was like that when he got there met with no opposition.

The charter was eventually donated to the Library of Congress and later underwent extensive testing which proved MacGyver's trechery. But who was gonna fuck with a guy who could blow up your house with a pack of gum, a paper clip, and a truck full of fertilizer and diesel fuel?

Detailed Anatomy[edit]

"Ey, how many 'lectricians duzzit take ta screw inna liEWWAAAAAAGGH!!!!"

Electricians have an average height of 7' 15" and weight of a GMC pickup truck loaded with sandbags, with only 106% body fat. Observational disagreements are justified by the fact that the rest of the world is wrong. The eyes of an electrician are totally black, extremely reflective in moonlight and gamma wavelengths, and highly adapted to night vision. Their six-fingered hands grant them extraordinary dexterity, while the lack of toes helps to guard against frostbite in extreme cold. Their skin is a blend of 75% cotton, 20% kevlar mesh, and 3% cobalt, with as of yet undiscovered elements constituting the remaining 2%. An electrician's lungs are adapted to operate in a variety of toxic and caustic atmospheres, and are currently being studied for adaptation into a genetically engineered space-native strain of human.

An electrician must keep his blood saturated with alcohols and hydrocarbons at all times. Petrochemical exhaust generators and grain alcohol are commonly found in any electrician's den. No drug known to man has a confirmed lethal dosage in electricians, though experiments are ongoing. It is common for an electrician to experience a heart attack or stroke at least once a day. Lack of such events is usually an indicator of serious health problems. Unfortunately, no electrician has ever encountered a doctor which it didn't strike down with summoned lightning after a typical six hour internment in a waiting room.

Naturally, electricians are endowed from birth with a powerful command of electromagnetic forces. Along with many other abilities, they can levitate and fly at will, erase your entire collection of porn flicks (VHS or even DVD, but curiously not BETA), manipulate sunspots to serve their own agendas, and read the minds of people who have dental fillings. Electricians have been known to magnetically strangle anyone who makes a "How many electricians does it take..." joke from distances up to six thousand miles.

Observation will quickly confirm that an electrician is always pointing at something. This pointing can mean many things; one finger may be a general indication of something important, two or three fingers usually signals some intent towards the targeted object, and five outstretched digits on each hand usually signifies either a heart attack or great approval of something, dependent on context. Electricians only use four fingers to magnetically strangle or deliver "lightning chops" to unwary victims. An electrician will also most often be found looking up; an electrician who habitually looks down is usually suffering from an intense bout of bullshit.

All electricians are ninjas, but not all ninjas are electricians. All pirates only wish they were cool enough to be electricians, which is why they abhor land and heterosexual relations.

Electricians are also able to detect hidden poisonous substances from distances of up to 6 feet away and in times of high solar activity as much as 60 feet. The last recorded event of this was on a cold winter morning on the day December 10 2005. Up to eight bystanders witnessed the event. Upon being approached by a what could only have been an electrician to his fast food catering caravan, Bobby The Buz Stalefat was in an instant brought suddenly to his knees in abrupt agony. Its said the electrician leaned over the said counter and demand Bobby eat his own egg roll. It was later confirmed that although he had suffered serious burns to his lower limbs by reasons unknown. It was infact salmonela that killed Bobby. Three bystanders also died having consumed food that same day. One though was saved, due to having lent the electrician his daily newspaper to evaluate.

No electrician in recorded history, or unrecorded for that matter, gives a fuck about Oscar Wilde.

Sphere of Influence[edit]

Every electrician wears this tatoo. They cleverly used their influence to make the world think their blood rivals, the Masons use the symbol.

Electricians clandestinely manage every aspect of the modern and post-modern world. Secret academies across the world (meaning North America and Argentina) teach dark-skinned people to speak incoherent English and assume false identities in order to qualify as telemarketers and Quick-E-Mart clerks. Electricians are pervasive in the civilized world, and have perfected ninja-like techniques which grant them subliminal control over anyone who answers a call or hands them a credit card. Debit/ATM cards and cell phones have recently been added to this program.

Anyone who admits to being an electrician in public is either lying or planning to assimilate/enslave those who learn such information. Many fictional and non-fictional races, such as the Borg, Terminator robots, and the Children of the Corn have been modeled after electricians. People who actually do work relating to wires and lights are really advanced mental projections that people just assume are real. This explains why "real" electricians are heroic drinkers and lovers of a herculean magnitude.

Electricians are benevolent while awake but malevolent while asleep. Since most of their work is done by projections and dark-skinned people, they typically spend almost all of their time sleeping. Two exceptions to this are Christopher Walkin and Hunter S. Thompson, who after their nativity ordeal are afraid to ever sleep again and have been drinking strong Irish coffee for over 10,670 years, coffee having been invented by them just under 10,671 years ago as a lightweight substitute to intravenous liquors. Younger generations prefer energy drinks but as a rule avoid Red Bull. Their reasoning is that since they manufacture and therefore know exactly how many types of animal piss are really in it, there's no sense of adventure involved in drinking it.

Believe me, you have never actually hired an electrician. Neither has anyone else you know. Why would an electrician need to work? We command the fundamental forces that rule your world. We don't show up, you don't live, it's as simple as that. Now go back to trimming your bonsai, and meditate on my words. The Great Spirit will thank you for your time.

Numerous Contributions to Science and Evil[edit]

Electricians collaberated to design the first functional robot circa 7000 BC. Its only function was to break dance, something that would not become popular until the advent of cocaine thousands of years later.

It is well known that the Illuminati and electricians are closely related. They have a secret alliance against the Masons, and are staging a "bright lights, loud music" campaign similar to the one that caused Noriega's suicide to subdue the grimy rock-banging dingleberries once and for all. There has been some suggestion by some respected reserchers that the Builderbergers or bilderbergers (US spelling former European spelling latter) are in fact underlings, henchmen and general dogs bodies of the ultra secretive electrician brotherhood most of them even unwittingly.

God, Satan, and electricians have met at bars after work to drink their cares away for almost seven thousand years. In a drunken bar bet on who's wang was heaviest, Satan lost the rights to all codecs currently in existance. The ancient codecs were later bought and corrupted by Bill Gates.

Beginning in 1066, Death LLC contracted with electricians in an effort to develop it's PR department. Though not really their field of expertise, their efforts produced the prototype Grim Reaper 31C. This design remains virtually unchanged in modern variants.

The Manhattan Project, an extensive nine week study on hookers and exotic coctails in Japan was entirely funded, executed, and summarily disavowed by electricians after two major cities were completely destroyed by raw, unbridled demigod action. The cult's disinformation department later created a cover story about some bullshit with nukeular bongs or something.

The military arm of the cult has been forced on two occasions to euthanize Space Shuttles after crews were overcome with an as of yet poorly understood virus which compells them to brag about the phallic undertones of flying around in the Space Shuttle. It was for the good of everyone.

Electricians invented napalm. Not only did it fulfill their needs for a potent after-dinner drink, but it proved useful to the military for horribly burning dirty enemy combatants. Depleted uranium ammunition similarly sprung from a failed attempt by electricians to control their own body odor.

Numerous electricians have recently pooled their financial resources into a consortium whoms goal is to become a majority shareholder in every popular religion on Earth. Rumors cite the widespread use of lightning by various gods as hints of a treasure trove of secret spells hidden in the magazine racks of downstairs bathrooms in some churches and synagogues. Should these plans come to fruition, it is likely that all english speaking religious leaders will be replaced by cheaper foreign employees, and all foreign religious leaders will be replaced by cheaper and arguably more vicious kangaroos.

Art and Culture[edit]

Aside from holding a controlling interest in several christian death metal and screamo record labels as well as green-lighting every Julia Roberts and Sandra Bullock film, electricians are developing a bionic suit that will integrate with Walt Disney's frozen head and Keith Richards' skeleton. This creation is to be the centerpiece of a plot to collapse pop music and cinema from the inside by embodying the antichrist and forcing bloody armageddon amongst the various factions of the entertainment industry. It is projected that banjo/lute rock and big hair are all but a shoe-in to win this epic battle, and will grow strong and dominant throughout eternity by feasting on the corpses and luscious brains of their adversaries.

Though speculation abounds, chatter seems to indicate a plan to revive both Vladimir Lenin and John Lennon and pit them in a cage match. The prize is rumored to involve canonization of the correct spelling of their homophonic last names as well as title of heavyweight communist champion of the world. As an added incentive, the loser will be forced to eat out Yoko immediately after she runs a marathon. This is, in fact, what originally killed Lenin and forced Lennon to unsuccessfully fake his own murder by hiring Tracy Chapman to shoot him.

Undead Connections[edit]

It is theorized that some varieties of zombie are linked to dark magic practiced by electricians. This is based on the powers of reanimation demonstrated in several documentaries on electricity. Also, zombies speak a cryptic language that some scholars have traced to chapters of the Necronomicon of Electric Codes, or NEC. The fact that no electrician has ever died in recorded history, ever, furter reinforces this connection.

Electricians also participate heavily in Necromancy which has for millennia been practiced in it's purest, or "Hellenic" form by all varieties of zombie, vampire, and werewolf. Any connections to grues are purely speculative and currently unsupported.

Paranormal phenomenons such as Ghosts are readily explained as sleeping electricians who are pretending to be dead.

Notable Electricians[edit]

Cruise sets up Oprah the bomb.
Oh, you've won alright - won a lightning bolt up the ass.
A young Edgar Winter on lunch break.
Brisco sez you're fucked.

See Also[edit]

Bouncywikilogo.gif
The so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article on Electrician much funnier than this one.
Bouncywikilogo7.gif
For those without comedic tastes, the "questionable parody" of this website called Wikipedia have an article about Intracranial Hemorrhage.

External Links[edit]