Elisha Cuthbert

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“Thou shalt be the perfect woman.”

~ God on creating Elisha Cuthbert.

“Man. She would not make out with me on 24 just because I was "creepy." What a racist.”

~ Lonnie McRae on Elisha Cuthbert.

“I guess she's not so bad looking.”

~ Captain Understatement on Elisha Cuthbert

“If she was my daughter, she would be hotter.”

~ Chuck Norris on Elisha Cuthbert

“I would so do that, at least three times.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Elisha Cuthbert.

“Giggity Giggity Goo!”

~ Glen Quagmire on Elisha Cuthbert

“Delete...Fuck Me!”

~ A Cyberman on Elisha Cuthbert
For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Elisha Cuthbert.
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Elisha Cuthbert, aka Kim Bauer. Note the boobies.

WARNING!!!! Be careful, viewing of these pictures causes an immediate desire to masturbate uncontrollably, again and again.

Elisha Ann Cuthbert (also known as Kim Bauer) November 30, 1982- December 23, 2012 was a Canadian actress. God has specifically designed Elisha as the perfect woman, after his discontent with the likes of Eve, Virgin Mary, and Tinkerbell though there is much dispute to whether she actually is perfect. But not THAT much. I mean, jezz, just look at her. She's right there. ---> See? That's her.

Personal life[edit]

Although born in 1982, God created Elisha Cuthbert as early as 61 BC, after he had becoming fed up with how ugly Eve, Virgin Mary, and Tinkerbell really are. At the tender age of 17 , she meets Wes Huling, after which he hatches a plan to leave his wife Susan and run off with Elisha. However, at the time, he decides to wait with putting the plan into action, because he believes the time is not right, after which there seems to be no more contact between the two. Elisha decides to live a quiet life for a while and disappears from view for the next 2042 years. In the mean time, she develops a love for hockey (which according to her fans proves her status as the true perfect woman) and the Los Angeles Kings. In 1983, she returned from obscurity and asked God to send her to earth. He turned her into embryonic state and switched her with the baby of a Canadian woman. Nine months later, Elisha Cuthbert was born on Earth. (The embryo she was switched with grew up to be Xerox-machine at a MacDonald's in Bulgaria.)

Damn... I mean, Damn...

After her move to L.A. in 2000, she was adopted by Jack Bauer, and she officially changed her name to Kim Bauer, however because she had already gained some fame under the name Elisha Cuthbert, she decided to keep it as her stagename. Because of Jack's protective nature, she has barely had any romantic interests.

Cuthbert regularly secures a place in FHM and Maxim's annual Top 100 Sexiest/Hottest lists. Her highest ranking was #5 in the 2005 UK Edition of FHM's 100 Sexiest Women in the World list. She was ranked #14 in 2003, #10 in 2004, and #22 in 2006. The US Edition ranked her #53 in 2003, #63 in 2004, and #54 in 2006. She was not listed in the US 2005 list. Maxim magazine named her #92 in its 2006 list and features her in their Girls of Maxim Gallery. The trees that contributed to the paper stock for these issues gladly gave up their lives because they knew that skimpily dressed pictures of Elisha were going to be printed on their remains.

In spite of increased demands from world leaders - and the promise it would unite all peoples on the planet regardless of color or creed - Cuthbert has stated that she has, as of yet, no intention of fully disrobing for a film - she will keep her socks on.

She drowned while skinny dipping in her pool.


Though God originally created Cuthbert as the perfect woman there has been much debate as to whether or not she is indeed the perfect woman. See the article on the perfect woman for more information.

But if she is not a perfect woman, you still would want to screw her.

Another controversy is that she is to blame for the decline in play of her current boy friend Dion Phanuef. Supporters of this theory want Elisha and Dion to break up so they can fuck her.

Sex Life[edit]

Elisha enjoys wonderful anonymous sex from you,me,Sean Connery and O.J. Simpson. She has gone on record saying that no one fills her like I, Chuck Norris. Elisha has also gone on record saying that she enjoys sex extremely, she says that during sex with any man she can expect to have atleast 13 orgasms within the first few minutes. She also says that she likes to dress in stockings and suspenders before sex, because often the sight of her half naked body gets her more aroused than the men she is with. Elisha is also known for attracting other women, meaning that all women within 20 yards of her will immediately emit vaginal secretions. She is perfect for masturbation, also. If you ever have troubles in that department, this will fix this problem in moments.



  • Ozzie politician Peter Costello has been romantically linked with Elisha.
  • After being replaced by Rivers Cuomo as the frontman of Weezer, her adopted father Jack Bauer took Cuomo into a locked room and remained in there for 6 hours. Screams were heard ("woah, HOAH!"). When they came out, the wires on the lamp was found to be disconnected and the crotch of Cuomo's pants were significantly charred. Cuomo has now been celibate for over 3 years.
  • Contrary to what you may believe, she is not your girlfriend, has never had sex with you, and never will have sex with you. If you do believe however you have ever had relations with Elisha, it is most likely that it was some kind of shape-shifting alien posing as her.
  • I just ran a batch.
  • All straight males (or lesbian female [or lesbian female stuck within a straight male stuck within a time warp]) cannot see anything on this page besides the hot Kim Bauer.
  • It is said that Elisha Cuthbert's pussy, is in fact, the gate way to heaven.
  • Also it is said that Elisha Cuthbert's pussy is in fact, shaven.
  • Formerly dated hockey playing homosexual (don't know how that happened) Sean Avery.
  • It is also said that the song 'Stairway to heaven' was about Elisha Cuthbert's Pussy

See Also[edit]

External links[edit]