Elizabeth Báthory

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Countess Elizabeth Bathory, or (Erszebet Bathory in Hungarian)was a Hungarian countess, which, as we all know, is an entirely pointless title. Considering this, we are able to further understand her reason to torture and kill so many people. Bathory was, in fact, a lesbian; which is evident in how she not only tortured young women, but also raped, and sodomized (sodomy) them, as well as performed intricate operations on them such as clitoridectomies and infibulations. Titles claimed by Elizabeth Bathory include Serial Killer, Vampire, Narcissist, Fornicator, and Emo.


Erszebet as a child[edit]

Elizabeth Bathori came into the world through the very same process that all women did at the time. During birth, to extract the child from the womb, a rope was tied arond the head and used to pull the body into daylight. She was finally fully emerged on August 7, 1560 after 5 hours of struggle. She grew up abnormally spending most of her childhood on the McDonald farm. McDonald, the town's financial advisor, and Elizabeth's uncle, loved to have his niece over constantly throughout her childhood. Anna Bathory, Elizabeth's mother,however proceeded to drink alcohol and smoke marijuana daily, sometimes running off to sell her body at the local brothel, leaving little Erszebet nothing to eat but Ganja salad. In the time during her youth that she spent alone while daddy (George Bathory) was working long hours in the dungeon of the castle inventing the birdhouse, she read books written by Stephano Kingsley and Larry Springfield, (ancestors of Stephen King and Jerry Springer,) authors who cultivated gothic and narcissistic styles of writing. Being a countess, Elizabeth enjoyed using her power to her advantage. When she was denied a pony, she simply threw failed birdhouse attempts at the heads of servants around the manner, killing them slowly, until her parents relented. It was only once at aga nine that she was punished severely for ordering Pizza Hut while staying at her uncle McDonald's farm.

Teenage years[edit]

When Elizabeth reached the ripe age of eleven and one day, she became engaged to Ferenc "Pull those Guns Out" Nadasdy. The couple cheated on each other for four consecutive years, until Elizabeth became pregnant with a baby to be named George W. Bush, the father, or even better yet, mother, of whom was a Mexican bartender named Allejandro. When the baby was born, the Mexican left her with nothing but the kind words, "¡El bebé es un demonio, debe ser matado antes de que reproduzca y represente gravemente un país que no cuidamos alrededor!" Which roughly translates to, "The baby is a demon, it must be killed before it reproduces and badly represents a country we don't care about!" But alas, she released the baby into the wild where it was adopted into a crossbreed of dodo birds and lemmings befriending a lemming called Dick Chaney who started the trend of leading millions of others off of cliffs to their splattery doom.

Trouble In Paradise[edit]

With the baby gone and living amongst prehistoric animals, Elizabeth married (marriage) Ferenc Nadasdy happily dressed as storm troopers at the age of 15 in a Star Wars themed wedding. Food at the wedding included marshmallows so that Ferenc could "Chill with his peeps," and twinkies, the only thing besides cockroaches that can survive a nuclear bomb. The only available beverage was the blood of virgins that, in all reality, was red kool-aid.

Many things were shared in Elizabeth and Ferenc's marriage, such as power, wealth, a large castle, and Elizabeth's underwear. Ferenc was the commander who led the Turks to war. He often spent hours upon hours conditioning his underwear-clad army wearing nothing but a banana hammock (then referred to as a gun holster), claiming that "such work in the hot sun cannot be done in full armor!" He marched the troops to war with signature phrases such as "I want to see all my privates stand up STRAIGHT," and "Pull those guns out!" Indeed, Elizabeth was aware of Ferenc's sincere homosexuality, and condoned it fully, never refusing his requests that she fetch him an ear of corn and the shower curtain. Problems did arise, however, when Elizabeth tried to dry-hump his mother's leg at a public ceremony.

When Elizabeth decided that she could no longer withstand watching Ferenc achieve fulfillment night after night, she set out to satisfy her lesbian desires. Young virgin servant girls were her prey; in the wee hours of the night, Elizabeth would lurk the hallways until she came across an unsuspecting victim, and would do unspeakable things with them until sunrise. Indeed, these midnight rendezvous are what accredited her to the development of techniques for pleasure still used today such as the "Missionary Position," and "The Internet."