“That stuff is alwight”
History of Elmer's Corporation
A brief history of the manic and psychotic company that sells the product school children adore.
this is really dumb
Elmer's Early Days
who really cares...
The Actual Part Where Something Interesting Happens
Well, in 1954, A member's great-grandson finally got an actual job selling kittens to rich folks. He was a bit reluctant to part with his riches, so they clubbed him to death with a orange construction barrel and stole his money. Then, Elmer's first factory was established in Siberia near a pig slaughterhouse! The only lot they could buy for a shop, however, was somewhere on Gay Street, which lead to parents frantically rushing in and out to buy their children's precious school supplies and looking very embarrassed. (except for your Dad, who found it fun)
What Elmers Corporation Does
Elmer's Corporation is a large-scale company that manufactures mainly glue and paste. Although they portray the role of a large-scale corporation that merely tries to help children in their schoolwork, in fact it has a sinister plot to poison the small children in schools across the world.
Elmer's Glue Company has been sued on several occasions for their poisonous substance, including:
1. Sued by the FDA over allegations that Elmer's Glue-All paste caused a 6 year old to die a horrible death ater choking on the adhesive. Elmer's retaliated with the statement that paste was not food. They won.
2. Sued by the IRS for tax evasion. Elmer's counter-sued the IRS for overtaxing all major companies. They won.
3. Sued by Cynthia Elm for stealing her formula. Elmer's retaliated with the statement that she had sold them the formula in the first place. They won.
4. Sued by a concerned parent (gender unspecified) after (gender unspecified possessive noun) child was poisoned by Elmer's. The parent received US$500,000,000 and funeral expenses. The child wasn't dead, and bought an Xbox with the money.
What is Elmer's Glue-All Made of?
An unknown mixture of whole milk and jizz from sperm downers..... yeah ever thought of that? Sperm sticks two when it dries, and well the milk was just added to make the product even more brighter of a white....it helps for sales SPERM!!!!!!!!!!
The Sacred Cow
A famous icon of the Elmer's Corporation is the Sacred cow, originating in the ancient belief that the cow would bring good luck if the humans worshiped with them. The cows never made any comments regarding their portrayal as holy icons, as they were paid a hectare of grass a month for their silences.
Because of the high reverence of cows among the people of Elmer's, they decided to make the cow, named Elsie, their mascot, and not because glue/paste/other adhesives are made out of milk, which is false. The fact that there is milk in it is highly contested, which is also false.
Elmer as a Deity
It is believed that Elmer is also the Greek god of glue and helped rebild the collosium in anicent Rome, even though they have really nothing to do with that, the god was getting forgotten and was becoming emotionally repressed. Frankly, Elmer was good for hanging out and hittin' the bong-along. According to some very reliable sources, this is a reliable source. Thish is also falshe.