Elminster

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“Do they have an abbey?”

Elminster (known in the Elven tongue as Ed Greenwood), the invincible author of over 10,000 novels, all about how he had creepy old man sex with some hot elf or goddess.

Elminster is a powerful witch in the Forgotten Worlds, a campaign setting for the Dungeons and Dragons role playing game, known worldwide as a thinly veiled recruitment tool to indoctrinate children into the world of the occult and Satanism. Elminster is featured in millions of poorly written novels and game supplements. Many know him by his elven moniker, Ed Greenwood, however Elminister usually refuses to answer to that name.

History[edit]

Elminster is best known to have lots of life points, all of the best magical items, and can pwn n00bs at will. His humble beginnings have been chronicled in a series of 20 novels, which no one except for the most rabid of Forgotten Worlds fans have read. What is more commonly known about him comes from the Core Rulebook, which states that Elminster is the wise shut-in of Windy Dale, who's usually too busy summoning unspeakable monsters to have sex with to answer his door and is habitually the target of assassination attempts from unruly Player Characters, who all hate him.

It is often said Elminster is beloved of the gods, in that he's kind of a man slut around anything with a charisma score of 14 or higher. This is also used as a convenient excuse by Dungeon Masters the world over as to why you can never kill Elminster, no matter how much dynamite you've planted at the base of his tower.

Elminster's Stats[edit]

Elminster has many magical powers all of which he has acquired through his many alleged years of studies as a wizard. Here is a list of some of the major powers which Elminster abuses to ensure that player characters will never have a chance of killing him:

  • Silverfire
  • Goldfire
  • Platinumfire
  • Aluminiumfire
  • Firefire
  • Water
  • Heart
  • AWP Whore
  • Summon Drizzt I
  • Greater Sphere of Mary Sue
  • Greater Sphere of Immunity to Everything
  • Power Word of Admin Skill
  • Magic Missile - used to attack the darkness
  • Infinity d6 Fireball
  • Bladder of Holding (500 litre)
  • Summon Viagra
  • Old Man Smell +5
  • Bigby's Groping Hand
  • Bigby's Bitch Slap
  • Leomund's Tiny Nursing Home

Elminster in Print[edit]

A comprehensive list of every mention of Elminster would be several pages long, however the "main" Elminster books are generally considered to be the following.

  • The Forgotten Worlds Sing-A-Long Book
  • Elminster Saves Christmas
  • Elminster and the Philosopher's Goblet of the Half-Blooded Phoenix
  • Elminster Goes to Camp
  • Elminster Rides Again
  • The Santa Clause
  ****THIS IS THE MOST RETARDED THING I HAVE EVER HEARD OF. THE AUTHOR OF THIS NEEDS TO SHOT HIS DUMB A$$ IN THE FACE*****