Elton John
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“Someone saved, Someone saved, Someone saved Elton John's life tonight”
~ Tonight
“Don't let your son go down on me”
~ Elton John
“Get me another fucking chocolate donut.”
~ Elton John requesting a male prostitute
“Look Ma, No Hands!”
~ Elton John can do it without hands
“That was the last time I ever went up one of those.”
~ Elton John on your mom's hairy clit
“I've never heard of the lass.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Elton John
“The way he prances about like that, anyone would think 'e's a poof!”
~ Captain Understatement on Elton John
Elton Hercules John (or Dwight Reginald)is considered one of the world's foremost golfers, robotologists, longshoremen and biologists. Most notably, he has been credited for the inventions the meaning of the word "planet" and the Ballpoint Pen.
[edit] Early Years
His first claim to fame was in one of the first Coronation Street episodes as a passing gay at the Rovers. He previously worked as a protitute for several days until he was sacked for telling the customers "my penis is very small", and never letting them off. Later, after proving priceless work experience, he broke in to the music industry and was recognised by many people (including his mum). The pair of them bought his CD, making his profits rise into the tens of pounds. Elton was so fucked up all he ever wanted was andre eithers cock. Elton also frequently masturbated over the duke of edinburgh
[edit] Life Gets Better
On New Year's Eve, in the year of the flying tree squirrel, a drunken Elton John was seen straddling a turkey, wearing only granny knickers and a frying pan selotaped around his midriff, using sellotape and not grease, which was the most common adhesive of the era. On his turkey, he rode through the streets of Watford screaming 'I love you Dave, I really do!' Dave was later revealed to be the turkey’s name. Dave was spared from being killed for the dinner table the following Christmas, and now shares Elton’s mansion (built with baboon royalties), and looks forward to inheriting the glorious abode at the event of Elton’s death.
[edit] The Pigeon Incident
In Yorkshire, the famous pigeon-Noel (incorrectly named ESP by a drunken hobo) was proclaimed to be the missing link in the evolution of pigeon to man having been blessed with 5 toes. However in a fight over a park bench with local upcoming celebrity- Elton John, he lost one of these toes in an Ozzy Osbourne like incident (it was bitten off by Elton). Elton was later given the prestigious title of Pigeon Mouth and hated by pigeon lovers throughout the 7 seas.
The pigeon defacated on Elton’s pie which happened to be cooling on the bench beside him. Elton received a scratched eye for the trouble he took to dislodge the toe from the foot, hence leaving him to wear horrendous glasses for the rest of his days. This was mostly due to the fact he couldn't yet afford to visit his local Specsavers and he actually did enjoy wearing the stupid glasses found in the pound-basket of a nearby Oxfam. To try to repair his damaged reputation in the pigeon world, he resorted to selling 2nd hand Christmas trees off the back of his glitter spray painted moped. All proceeds went straight to a newly set up charity for the protection of pigeon toes (PPT).
[edit] Unicorns
Unicorns are said to make their home on Elton’s property- others say this is an urban myth. Coincidently, Elton contributes towards the fastest growing glue works this side of Dartmoor. Due to his generous donations, Elton's grand mansion is conglomerated entirely of Elmer’s unicorn glue, which they promise isn't made of Unicorns or Geese.
[edit] If I Put These Bits of Puccini in a Different Order Nobody Will Notice (1953)
Elton's first minor success in the music business came in the form of "If I Put These Bits of Puccini in a Different Order Nobody Will Notice", a song that he and the "Nasty old Women of England" (his reggae group at the time) wrote in the early 1950s. Elton has since referenced this song in many of his songs including "Goodbye Yellow Brick Road" and "Shit I'm gay!".
[edit] Life gets Even Better
His short life was cut shorter by a short person. He happened to be taking part in a high end panto at the time. Despite this, he has been seen in Manchester's Canal Street and at Kylie concerts.
[edit] The Hudson Affair
During Eltons later years a feeling of inadequacy overcame him. With a failing pop career and a massive epidemic running through his Unicorn herd, he decided to pick up everything and move to Chester Le Street to settle down. Ending up in Sunderland (no more than 3 minutes away from Chester le Street) he settled down and became a Big Issue seller. However fate would not be done with Elton and a young man was to enter him, i mean, his life. A mysterious biker dressed in rainbow leathers pulled up infront of him, offering him friendship in one hand, and a book called "acting gay" in the other. This man was Chris Hudson. He was well known for being the "only gay in the town" and always looking for a good time on a Tuesday night. What Chris didnt know was that Elton already had his number scribbled down on his hand from when he went to use the upstairs University toilet. The two talked for hours before consemating their relationship by dancing around the maypole, and then chris proceeded to plant the liberty tree in Eltons garden. The two had never been happier until Rowan, Chris's ex got wind of events, and started to partake in sexual experiments with Eltons three remaining unicorns. Elton swore revenge...
[edit] Eltonianism
Elton "The Raging Bison" John forms the figurehead for one of the larger world religions: Eltonianism. Eltonians (or Eltonianists, as they are called every third tuesday in march) hold the belief that the universe was created by The Elton Himself and his four disciples, John, Paul, George and Ringo. Legend has it it took The Elton seven days to write 'Saturday Night's Alright (For Fighting)', and on the seventh day, when first it was played, its sheer awesomeness actually brought the universe into being. Eltonians cite the fact that the stars were designed after Elton's glasses as further proof of this. The position of the devil, or antichrist, is taken by Cliff Richard, for obvious reasons. Eltonianism is a strictly pacifist religion except on saturday nights.
[edit] Elton John and homosexuality
Elton John has has been rumoured to be homosexual and have had homosexual relations with Freddie Mercury and George Michael. He has denied this numerous times.
[edit] Real Lyrics to Bennie and the Jets
“I think i've mde a acommplishment on this songgy ma' toon. LOL :P”
~ Watching this video
Elton makes a costume change!!! The muppets were actually controlled by Elton's seven arms coming out of who knows where. The muppets were originally a part of Jim Henson's body, although they were brutally ripped out by Elton John, possibly causing his death. Also, at 3:52, it is a 80's picture of the Joker.
Significant CLAIM TO FAME: Elton once bragged that he had shot more men in the face than Jack Bauer.
IMPORTANT NOTICE: While the lyrics to this song are commonly disputed, the fine number crunchers at Uncyclopedia have finally brought down their linguistic hammer upon Mr. John's warblings and deciphered them once and for all. The final verdict is below
Hey kids, Shackamit's the devil
Ballashootin star, and along a' change the weather.
Calafine? It calls the night! So stick around.
You're gonna hear a mega mucus, salad bowl of sound.
Say, come along we have to say, "Neneh!"
Oooooh, my self's made down.
B-b-b-b-b-Bennie and the Jetsssss.
Oooh, the wing and the wonderfool.
Oooh Bennie, she's a ready queen.
She's got electric boots, a mohair suit
You know I read it in a magazahiiiiine. Ooouooh...
B-b-b-b-b-bennie and the dresssss.
Hey kids, look into the favelits
Baby be mine! Bennie makes some leathers.
We shouts the fines, and it take usselves aloooong...
We fight our parents out in the streets to find who's right and who's wrong.
Ooooh, can your mom we have to say, "Neneh!"
Ooooh, but the show's made down.
B-b-b-b-b-bennie and the Jewzzzzzz.
Oooh, the wing and the wonderfool.
Ooooh, Bennie she's a ready queen.
She's got electric boots, a mowhair suit
You know I read it in a magazahiiiiine. Ooouooh...
B-b-b-b-b-bennie and the Jetsssss.
Ooooh can you rock and then'uh say "Neneh"?
B-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-bennie and the Jetsssss.
Ooooh but the show's made down!
Out the wing! And the wonderfool?
Ooooh, Bennie she's a ready bean.
She's got electric boots, a chode bear suit
You know I read it in a magazahiiiiine. Ooouooh...
B-b-b-b-b-bennie and the Jetsssss.
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Bennie, Bennie, Bennie, Bennie, Bennie, Bennie, Bennie, Bennie, Bennie, Bennie, Bennie, Bennie, Bennie, Bennie, Bennie, Bennie, Bennie, Bennie, Bennie, Bennie, Bennie, Bennie, Bennie, Bennie, Bennie, Bennie, Bennie, Bennie and the jetsssssssssssssss...
[edit] Real Lyrics to Rocket Man
She packed my bags last night...WE FLIGHT!
Zeroalonine a.m.! (Oofda!)
And i'm gonna be huuuiiiIIIIIIGH as a kibiben.
I miss the earth so much...I miss my WIFE.
It's loned out myspace.
On s-s-such a tiiiIIIIIME this flight.
And I think it's gonna be a long long time.
It touch down brings me roun' to get to find.
A papa manly think I ever own. Oh no, no, no...
I'm a rocket man. ROCKET MAN!
Burnin' up the trees on every lawn.
And I think it's gonna be a long long time.
It touch down brings me roun' to get to find.
A papa manly think I ever own. Oh no, no, no...
I'm a rocket man. ROCKET MAN!
Burnin' up the trees on every lawn.
Masanakinaplato raise a kid...
In fact it's cold as hell.
And there's no one there to raise them, if you Dean.
And all the science I don't unda'stan.
It's just mah' job five days a wee.
A rocket maaaAAAaaan. Rocket man.
And I think it's gonna be a long long time.
It touch down brings me roun' to get to find.
A papa manly think I ever own. Oh no, no, no...
I'm a rocket man. ROCKET MAN!
Burnin' up the trees on every lawn.
And I think it's gonna be a long long time.
It touch down brings me roun' to get to find.
A papa manly think I ever own. Oh no, no, no...
I'm a rocket man. ROCKET MAN!
Burnin' up the trees on every lawn.
And I think it's gonna' be a long long time...
And I think it's gonna' be a long long time...
And I think it's gonna' be a long long time...
And I think it's gonna' be a long long time...
[edit] Saturday Night's Alright (For Fighting)
It's getting laid, how you see Mame
Latelmiwenna boys get here
It's hell in a clock, Anna won a rock
Wanna get a belly full of beer
Mild manner drunkard then a barrel full of monkeys
And mild ate a Cheeto care
My sister looks cute, in a brace sinner boot
A ham-puller's grease in her hair
Don't give a nun all ya aggravation
We haddawiya discipline
Saturday night's all right for fighting
Get a lidda action in
Gedabouda soiled AZT Soul Plane
Gonna I set the stands alight
Cuz Saturday night's the night I like, Saturday night's all right
All right ALL RIIIIIIGHT, woooooooooo
[edit] External Links
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