Elvis Presley
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
| ||
| Term of office: | 1969 – 1974 | |
| Preceded by: | Lyndon B. Johnson | |
| Succeeded by: | Gerald Ford | |
| Date of birth: | 1935 | |
| Place of birth: | Earth | |
| Date of death: | n/a | |
| Place of death: | n/a | |
| First Lady: | n/a | |
| Political party: | Elvisocracy | |
Elvis Aaron "Please stop hitting me with that bit of lead" Presley or Moustachio Furioso(1935 BC - Present), is a member of the biological order Primates (/prаɪˈmeɪtiːz/ prī·mā′·tēz; Latin: "prime, first rank"), the group that contains lemurs, lorisids, galagos, tarsiers, monkeys, and apes, with the last category including great apes. His distinctive beard and loud sales pitches made him a recognized television presence in the United States and Canada.
He was the King of Rock. He was also the King of Roll, but contrary to popular belief, was never the ruling monarch of both at the same time. It is theorised that he was a pioneer of what is now referred to as "popular music". He also portrayed characters through a technique now commonly known as "acting" in several motion pictures (which were then referred to as "Talkies"). Throughout his career he left many, many buildings, as well as entering several. Highlights of his career include his "Jailhouse Rock," and "'68 Comeback Special." These two achievements were honoured in a 2003 adult movie, "69 Cum Back special."
Despite all these achievements, he is best remembered as the worlds fastest man. His greatest individual achievement in track and field was in the 1996 Olympics in Atlanta when in the final of the 400m he finished in second place behind Michael Johnson, winning the silver medal in the process. However, partly due to injuries, he never rediscovered this form, and subsequently retired from the sport only two years later in 1998, after winning another silver medal in the 1997 World Championships 4 x 400 rela-- Apologies. This article briefly thought that it was about an athlete. The Uncyclopedia staff have been alerted and are currently searching for a solution. In the meantime, please enjoy an exact copy of the rest of the article while the original is being found.
Contents |
[edit] Biography
[edit] Nativity Story
Elvis "The Pelvis" was created as part of a genetic experiment during a time of great hardship. Old Poppa Presley needed an extra farmhand but unfortunately was impotent and very poor. He went out into the barn late one night and tried an old recipe given to him by his grandfather. He mixed 1/4 talent with 1/4 song thieving ability and then added a whole 1/2 of sex appeal. He would create a pop sensation second to none, make his millions and THEN he would be able to afford a new laborer. It was a genius plan, but poorly executed; a simple sneeze caused a crack in the concoction. Elvis now had a brother. Both Elvis and Reg Presley were born that night. But Reg was unintended, and quickly sold to a travelling circus in order to pay the rent. He would later gain fame as lead singer of British 60's rock band "The Troggs". In the movie documenting this, he would be played by Danny de Vito
[edit] Childhood and teen years
As a young boy, Elvis had a hard life. There were periods where the Presley family didn't eat properly, there were many ups and many downs. One sad event, such as the disappearance of his beloved pet cat, "Skanky Joseph" could be quickly followed by something happier, the sudden and surprising appearance of an unnamed meat a big juicy chicken, for example. The family would eat heartily for once, and there would be a leg for everyone; Mom, Pop, Elvis and Gramps! Thus began Elvis' strange food obsession
As a child, Elvis family couldn't afford a radio, but he didn't mind such hardships, "That's alright mama," he said. "Don't call me that son," old man Presley replied, "Not in public anyway."
Elvis tried to sing instead, but couldn't. As a child his voice was awful.
"It sounded like someone trying to shove a dog backwards through a small hole. Like a dolphin, but more whiney." This is the description given to police by one of Elvis' neighbors, during their reporting of a UFO/commy bastards. It was in fact an early rendition of "Heartbreak Hotel."
Papa Presley was worried, was the plan ruined right from the start when he sneezed? When he hit fourteen though, things quickly changed for Elvis. His voice broke one day while at school. During morning gospel (as taught in all evil right wing bible belt good schools) he tried to "sing" as quietly as possible and avoid the whole problem. But this day, he had to sing solo, in front of the whole class.
Because I love Jesus, Jesus; Because I love Jesus; My soul is at rest, and in Him I am blessed; Because I love.........cough............................but suddenly....... The warden threw a party in the county jail. The prison band was there and they began to wail. The band was jumpin and the joint began to swing. You should've heard those knocked out jailbirds sing.
The shock of this sudden change caused huge surprise to Elvis, who went into some sort of fit. Everyone thought this was a new dance, and so joined in. He flailed and they flailed. He passed out and they laughed. Elvis went into severe shock and didn't sing for 3 more years. DANCING IS NO JOKE!
[edit] Career
Elvis had a hugely successful career. Yeah, whatever. However, he did later enjoy some success as the originator of an Internet meme known as "I can has cheezburger," in which images of himself and other dead rock stars would have captions - often featuring a hilarious grammatical style - added to them.
[edit] Elvis is alive theory
It is a widely accepted theory that Elvis was killed by Serbian mobsters, owned by the Russian Mafia payed off by French Imperialists, A subsection of a secret society of Ex-Nuns called the "Anti-Celibacy Movement", payed by a group of Mexican gangsters living in Libya and being sheltered by the Palestinian government, exclusively supplied by Texas Guns and Ammo, a division of Texas Christian and Love Thy Children, presided over by the Texas National Guard, led by Bush. In short, people think that indirectly, former President George W. Bush killed Elvis There have been many that believe Elvis never died and is hiding in seclusion somewhere. This is not true. He is not in seclusion, he works the nighttime shift at a 7-eleven. There have been many Elvis sightings throughout history. He got his nickname, The King, when he was appointed pharaoh of Egypt in the 5096 B.C. election, winning 78 percent of the vote running on a pro union stance.
[edit] 1978 Unseen Comeback Special
Many believe Elvis still performs under stage names and disguises. He formed a supergroup with other "dead" icons of rock and roll, (who for legal reasons are not allowed to be mentioned by their real name.)
Lead Vocals and cowbell: Elvish Presley Lead Guitar: Jimmy Hendricks Bass Guitar: Paul Mcartknee Drums: Keith Mooooooooooooooon. They perform Barry Manilow cover tunes to further hide their identity.
'Yo baby, "I'm still a'rockin"'. If there's a bit of a time lag between my (less) conversations and even less action it's 'cos of the transmission delay between you (lurv u all) and my base on Mars (I could eat a few mor' of them (any chance of diverting the space shuttle)?.
PLEASE HELP! My son-in-law has just moved in to my 'secret' Mars colony, and he's fighting with Jimi Hendrix over who gets the top bunk bed!
|  This article needs love | |
| This article is currently in a bad state, but all it needs is a little love. Please give some love by rewriting it. | ||
