The development of Emergency Conception
The day is January 21, 2009. After the loss of the presidency, congress, and their wives to metrosexuals, the Republic party went out for soul searching. Theor rise in the 80s, 90s and early 2000s were based on their ability to get out the religious right vote and the defense vote. However, after several years of hot floor action, butt pirate attacks and VERY hot(if you are a homophobic pedophile freak) scandals, they were again out in the political wilderness looking for a new sexual superhero or just a new wedgie issue. However, the new generations of statesmen they have produced, despite being ethnically deverse and (insert other ways you put make up on a reactionary pig), their new leaders were a bit soft. So, they decided to go with a new wedge issue? (don't they always?)
In 2011, the first prototype was introduced. After years of fighting with the homo-insurgent controlled FDA, they eventually built up their first wedge issue. The first great test of the issue would come in the 2012 elections.
As the 2012 elections were coming up, the Emergency Conception crowd began to organize. The ACU, the one man group, Emperor Palpatine, the National Right to Life, Jenova's Witnesses, the Christian Coalition, the Eagle Forum, the Federalist Society,Al-Qaeda, the Council of Conservative Citizens, the Ku Klux Klan, Westboro Baptist Church, the Sith, the South Dakota state legislature, the city of Provo, the NFL, the Family Research Council and Focus on the Family came forward and began the campaign to get emergency conception available to everyone for free.
After the 2008 election, Al Gore was president and was super cereal about stopping the release of emergency contraception in 2012. In fact, that was his #1 issue of trying to be re-elected to a third term. This was his official position on emergency conception:
“I'm super cereal! This will lure manbearpig to kill us all!!!! Excelsior!!!”
“Urmmmm...what the president meant was that uhhhhhh...aw fuck it. Let's just be frank. Emergency Contraception is just a way to say mass raping.”
Enraged, the Republican party nominated Fred Phelps for president even though he was 82. Fred Phelps picked Borat Sagdiyev to be the VP even though he was not a citizen. No one seemed to care.
Upon being nominated the veep, Borat said:
“ This is a very nice! We can now enjoy what father did in mother country! I loves Emergency Conception and make sures that all the womans and gypsies gets it. They will all feels the wrath of mys emergency conceptions. Mines a very nice”
As the campaign went on, the Republicans launched this ad:
"If it is advance technology to kill babies on the turn of the dime, why can it be made advanced technology to make babies? (I DON'T KNOW WAAAAHHH...oh whatever I'm getting a test tube baby because I smell and pork anyone) Vote for Phelps Sagdiyen on Tuesday....or else. Or else what? Exactly"
No one seemed to care that there was no punctuation at the end of that statement.
On Tuesday, the GOP won the house, the senate and the White house by a single vote. The deciding vote for each was in Ohio,Florida and Colorado(the next biggest swing state that the Dems never win besides Missouri and...well...Missouri is a special place. I fact, I was in Missouri once. I ate biscuits and rode in a car. It was on my family trip when I was 11 years old. SHUDDAP) ...anywayz....the era of emergency conception began.
The aftermath of 2012
After the 2012 victory, the GOP started their agenda of implementing Emergency Conception. The first thing they did cast +43 Lighting on Justice Stevens, who was 93 AND STILL on the court and made it look like an accident. This forced Stevens to retire. The Radical Republican government then established Justice Palpatine as the new associate justice of the Supreme Court.
With the courts staked and all of the branches of the government loyal to President Phelps, they government was then able to pass a law that made emergency conception free at every corner shop in the country. Times were truly great. One could be concieved on an emergency basis at any time and any where. This was protected us course as Roe v. Wade was overturned and a new case, Buccaneers v. Saints, stated that all abortions would be followed by a swift kick in the nuts or a stay at a 5-diamond resort of your choice for 10000 days and 10000 nights. Many violators of the judge-made law choose the latter for a reason not causaly linked to the pain of having your nuts creamed. Then again, I FUGGEN HATE BOXES OF CHOCALATES THAT HAVE CREAMED NUTS!!!
By the end of 2013, 23,453,453 units of emergency conception were used. The effectivity rate of the new "drug" was at about 98.434245% due to the fact that much emergency conception were somehow spiked with Viagra and Cialis. This has not been traced to any type of foul play by public officals so you communists can stop bothering the president and congress, who HAVE NOT been taping you naked from their secret underground base at the core of the Moon. Anyways, in the fiscal year 2013, it was reported that emergency room admission rates for unsoothable erections was up 5653456346% and suicide rates were up 4563634% but it has been SCIENTIFICALLY PROVEN tm (c) LLC. Ltd. that this had nothing to do with emergency conception and should be placed with other crack pot theories such as evilution, global warming and the holocaust.
The triumphs of 2014 and 2016 and the boon of Emergency Conception
Slowly, but surely public support of Emrgency Conception began to grow. By the autumn of 2013, its approval rating was in the low 60s. When asked about this development one moderate democratic voter stated that "it just makes a lot of sense". This allowed for victories in the new two elections where the republicans expanded their majorities in both the house and senate to three seates in each house as well as winning the next biggest swing state and soon the spoils of Emergency Conception would pay further political dividends.
The Legacy of the Phelps Administration Outiside of Emergency Conception
Eventually, many laws and wars were eventually passed by the Phelps Republicans. Those were:
The Great Wars
- The Syrian War
- The Iranian War
- the Second Vietnamese War
- The Venezualean War
- World War III
- A card game of WAR
- The War on bad blow jobs
- The War on boobies that are too small
- Of couse, the Emergency Conception Act of 2013
- The Gay and Lesbian Slavery Act of 2014
- The Voting "Rights" act of 2015.- Which guarantees every vote in America to be counted by an up-to-date voting machine.
- The "No Fatties" Act of 2015
- Mexican Happy Camp Act of 2015
- Pants or No Pants Day
- The No Fetus Left Behind Act of 2016
- The Right to Incest Act of 2016, which legalized incest. 'nuff said.
- The Itchy Balls act of 2015
- The God Hates Fags Act of 2018
Economic Policy and Infrastructure
- The 5000 foot tall statute to pay homage to the Flying Spaghetti Monster
- The No Tree Left Behind Act of 2014
- The Mako Energy Development Act of 2013
- The Rectal Wart Research act of 2017
- The fuck the poor Act of 2015
- The Tax Breaks For Sweaty Fat Fuck Act of of 2015
- The Revenue Readjustment Act of 2018
- The Let's Spend Like MC Hammer On Meth And Make Sure Not To Pay Any Of It Back Act of 2016.
Eventually, the public got sick and tired of the ongoing gay joke that was the Fred Phelps presidency. He was now 88 years old and beginning to smell quite ripe anyway. However, the Republicans still had the power of their voting machines in order...but by this time (the 2018 midterms) "machines" had feelings and even though they were not political, they were pretty agitated by the constant joke that went on without a punchline that was the government. However, this would not deter the machines. What eventually caused the downfall of the Phelpsian Congress was when a butterfly farted in Muncie, Indiana and the gas put into a motion a chain of events that would alter the course of human history 64.32 days later on the first day of November 2018 in what woud culminate in the release from the heavens of Ultra Jesus tm. Consequentially, Ultra Jesus would cause a massive resonance casscade that would cause the voting machines to malfunction and deliver the votes to the other side in a bizzare turn of events that ultimately ended up with sexy results. Because of this, the dems gained 50 seats in the house and 9 seats in the senate and 4 seats on the supreme court despite being liberal socialists in favor of the idea tha man on fish sex was a fundamental right to be taught to all kindergarteners. Eventually, about 102% of the laws that were passed by the Republicans were either overturned or un-made, despite the president having the veto power.The reason why this did not work was because Phelps had contracted Dementia and was simply a marionette with strings that could be made to do the funniest things imaginable. Because of this, the 2020 election was again won by the democrats and an era of communism and ummm....other things began....but that's a different story.
YEAH, But what the fuck does this have to do with Emergency Conception?
All of this put the legality of Emergency Conception into grave danger. Many restrictions were passed and by the summer of 2020, there were several restrictions at both the federal and state level that claimed one needed written permission from a cat to recieve emergency conception and that there had to be waiting periods of up to 15 minutes. Other restrictions made it harder to recieve emergency conception at elementary schools. Soon, the emergency conception movement came on even harder times. Some states have tried ban it altogether, but have failed because the governors could not sign it because they lost their favorite pens and would never dare sign a bill into law without it....despite these small but important victories, the advocates of emergency conception continue to mope as they foresee the day that emergency conception will be done in back alleys by drunken morons and by the most desperate of nerds....this way many children would never be concieved and the country would go on without any heirs to be used as cannon fodder, soylent green, or choir boys to be molested in day spas and at mass despite the fact that by 2025, there were 400,000,000 americans with too damn many just born.