Emeril Lagasse

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I ate some of Emeril's food once, and I can honestly say its hotter than hell!

Satan on Emeril Lagasse.

I thought I was doing a noble job as President, but once I ate some of Emeril's food, I realized I had to follow my true calling, and became the National Sauna Inspector !

Abraham Lincoln on Emeril Lagasse.

I tried Emeril's food for breakfast... it was so good it brought me back to life! And it made me glad I had a bag of bran muffins right before...

Oscar Wilde on Emeril Lagasse.

"collective orgasm"

-- Audience of Emeril Lagasse on Garlic

Basic Information[edit]

Emeril Lagasse is a famous chef known for his Louisiana cuisine, using his specialty ingredients, Depleted Uranium, the byproduct of shat, spices and seasonings from the great Louisiana bayous, and decayed body parts from New Orleans (post-Katrina).

Due to the great taste of his food, he was always employed by the the U.S. Government to prepare food for state dinners. However, while preparing a state dinner for Abraham Lincoln, he apparently used too much salt while preparing the French people's favortite food and inadvertently contributed to starting the War of 1812. Emeril is famous for making sexual noises while blending the contents of a martini.

Because of this incident, Emeril's food, became known as a very powerful force, and was sought by many in their own quests for power.

Satan tried to harness the power of Emeril's food on one of his attempts to attack Heaven, but was stopped after he tried some of the food himself, and got the shits. Emeril's food can help the forces of good as well, since it was used to bring Oscar Wilde back to life after one of his many, many many, deaths.

Emeril has recently traded in his kitchen knife and taken up the shiv as his primary cutlery tool. After a 5 year prison stint Emeril managed to save his anal virginity with the help of his shiv, which he named Little Emeril. When Emeril returned to his job he always kept Little Emeril close by his side. One day while cooking Emeril was jumped by rival chef Rachael Ray who attempted to rape him, Emeril was able to fend off the attack with the help of Little Emeril. After the attack he discovered that the bitch had stolen his kitchen knife which he needed to finish off his 3 Bean Salad. Emeril then realized his shiv would make an excellent cutting utensil and from that day on Little Emeril was always in his hand.

Emeril is regularly a guest and co-host on Live with Regis and Kelly, where he constantly force feeds members of the audience and gives them food poisoning. In addition, he hosts a television show on the Food Network where he shops in a Whole Foods market, and tries to give advice for what foods people should eat to lose weight. However, it is unclear whether the people he talks to actually takes his advice, given his obviously morbid obese stature.

Emeril Fans[edit]

All across the country there are people that have been brainwashed by this Italian (not) Chef. These so called fans have very distinct traits and scientists are debating as to whether they should be classified as another species from normal humans. The most noticeable of these traits are:

1. Badly styled hair (could also mean they are emo so be careful)

2. Obvious mistaken talent for cooking

3. The tendency to cheer at the mension of food seasonings, especially garlic and any beverage containing alcohol

4. Convulsing while muttering the word “BAM

5. Overusing the phrase “Kick it up a notch” in situations when it clearly makes no sense

6. Purging any food not purchased in an Emeril restaurant in Universal City Walk

7. Climaxing when hearing the words baby bam, gahlic toast, or food network

See Also[edit]