Emmerdale

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia think they have an article about Emmerdale.

Emmerdale is a British soap opera set in Yorkshire (we think). Little isolated village where everyone knows each other (and has banged each other at some point)

Has a prison that was introduced for a storyline, never mentioned before that, but its there.

[edit] Who's who?

[edit] The Dingles

• Zak Dingle; also known as Jesus to the people of Burnley is a hip-hop star, last year he got to No.1 with his hit single "I aint no Hilbilly ya fool" He is known to be a professional Brian Blessed and Hagrid lookalike.

• Shadrach Dingle; the loving father, dedicated worker, the man who puts food on the table, and the man who falls in it afterwards due to him being born without feet. Also the most sober actor of the entire show.

• Lisa Dingle; FHM High Street Honey 2007

• Sam Dingle; born without a brain, but has recently auditioned for Grand Theft Auto: Emmerdale, by committing armed robbery on Val's Curtains and drug running.

• Eli Dingle; escaped high security ape sanctuary in July 2006 to find Maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaalon. Shot Maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaalon during a robbery, boned a few family members.

• Belle (End) Dingle; Loud mouth little bitch, very close to the family pigs, and looks like a mini version of Miley Slagrus

• Chas Dingle; mute virgin.

• Debbie Dingle; sells trash on e-bay, addicted to cocaine. Last seen straddling Alan Turner.

• Samson Dingle; pimp. Gets trolleyed and run over by blind women.

[edit] The Lamberts

• Val Lambert; the local bike. "Eee come and have a go lads"

• Paul Lambert; he dresses up as ladies. Gecko + Sandra Bullock's love child

[edit] The Kirks

• Paddy Kirk, a vet, specky ######, used to be married to that fatass off You've Been Framed. Is in deep dog muck after being caught at it with one of Jo Stiles goats

• Orville Kirk, child snatcher

• James T. Kirk. Sleeps with a #### load of aliens

[edit] Madonna and Moron

• Marlon Dingle, a chef, Marlon likes cooking, food is his friend, yum yum.

• Donna Dingle, Marlon's wife, police officer, SCATTER!!!!! What's she gonna look like with a chimney on her? Oh no that was first wife Trisha.

[edit] The Sugdens

• Jack Sugden, a level 32 Brown Mage, notable for his flannel shirts and the time he pissed in Edna's pint.

• Diane Sugden, sister of the village bike, married to Jack, likes her bad lads. Shakes her head like a parkinsons victim.

• Steroids Sugden, 'Accidentally' killed his mum by setting her on fire and laughing for hours, didn't even try to piss on her. Shot his father thinking it was his brother, treats his girlfriend like dirt. Top guy, ya just gotta love him. Also beats crap out of his wife.

• Jo Stiles, milks goats, and sleeps with a murdering arsonist who shot Jack. She was once Paddy's secretary and slept with the stud Paddy on a number of occasions

• Daz Eden, He killed Tom King, coz Tom dumped him. Once shat in Edna's hat.

• Victoria Sugden, was involved in an accident or two, assaulted ######## passer by with a canoe paddle, blew up the family home and bankrupted the family, but she didn't mean to so its OK. Also turned from ginger 9 year old, to black haired 14 year old in a week.

[edit] The Kings

• Jimmy King, genius, love child of David James and the Pimms git, gay. Accidentally blew up a house and killed three people, but he didn't mean to so it's OK. Slept with Eli on Edna Birchs coffee table. Played hide the sausage with his sister's mum, ############ motherfucker.

• Carl King, dwarf, prostitute, gay. Also prone to mistakes, usually killing people, like the postman and his dad, but he didn't mean to so its OK. Left family company, now gives handjobs to Big Papi DaSouza for a living.

• Matthew King, prima ballerina, gay. A nice friendly businessman who you'd never hear a bad word off. Never ever looks as though he's giving birth to a pine cone. Can play the accordion with his buttocks.

• Wan and Fu King, Chinese conjoined twins.

• Lexi Kingolls, crazy hair, crazy... guy

• Scarlett Kingolls, genius. Her Auntie is her sister, her mother rode her brother. In front of her.

[edit] The Sinclairs

• Grayson Sinclair, wrongly accused of murdering his wife...... goes to jail, makes friends with Morgan Freeman, escapes through a hole in the wall and tunneling through the aftermath of Lisa's curry night.

• Pongo Sinclair, paedophile

[edit] A few random (Randy) pensioners

• Eric Pollard. Likes the feel of Val's Interiors, ooh I say!

• Betty Eagleton, the hip-hop star who is challenging Zak, she also makes hot pots in Coronation Street, likes going nude into the Woolpack when doing her cleaning shift (flapjack tits help to sweep the floor). Knows eveything about everyone.

• Edna Birch, the most attractive person in the village, ########. Porn Star who's credits include ...

• Sandy Thomas, also known as "Randy Sandy Thomas" to the boxing world, knocking off Betty.

• Alan Turner, died in late 2007 of anorexia.

• Pearl Ladderbanks, rapist. Isn't she the one off Come Outside?

• Lily Butterfield, otherwise known as Madge from Neighbours, grows her own skunk, sister of Edna 'the MILF' Birch.

[edit] The Hopes

• Viv Hope, ex-prozzie, sleeps with the village idiot. Gave birth to twins aged 78. Went to prison for stealing money off retards, honestly.

• Bob Hope, the village idiot, is about as funny as the other Bob Hope..

• Lee Hunter, son of the village idiot, bones elderly Australians, wears women's clothes and is gay.

• Scott Windsor, rapist( No,seriously)

[edit] The Thomases

• Ashley Thomas, the town's resident Satan worshipper and paedophile.

• Laurel Thomas, looks like Emily, used have a co-star, Hardy

• Jasmine Thomas, writes for the local newspaper, "The Hellshire Courier". Sucks dicks for village gossip to sell to the press.

[edit] The Wyldes/Lambs

• Mark Wylde/Daniel Lamb, Married Faye, faked his death, married Natasha and now she knows!
• Natasha Wylde, POSH (thats enough)
• Nathan Wylde, POSH
• Maisie Wylde, POSH
• Will Wylde, poor kid

• Faye Lamb, Firecracker, play the silly scot in Princess Dairies 2.
• Ryan Lamb, ITS JOHN PAUL MCQUEEN! Aren't you supposed to be in Dublin with Craig? Is he gay yet?

[edit] Notable storylines

• Jimmy King accidentally blowing up a house
• Carl King accidentally killing two people
• Matthew King accidentally nearly killing Rosemary King
• Max King accidentally being killed after accidentally killing a load of sheep
• Tom King accidentally ########## with his dying wife's nurse
• Moron Dingle getting accidentally shot
• Victoria accidentally burning a house to the ground
• Jasmine Thomas accidentally killing copper Shane
• Matthew King accidentally crashing while trying to mow down his brother
• Sam Dingle's transformation from brainless idiot, to master criminal overnight, getting involved with drug running, child abuse, armed robbery, arson and sheep buggery.
• Daz sexually abusing Victoria. Who he considers to be a sister.

[edit] Memorable Quotes

• "1,2,3,4, let me hear you scream if you want some more, like uhhhh, push it push it, watch me work it, I'm perfect!" - Tom King
• "Strong drink is the work of the devil"- Shadrach.
• "Soberiety is the only way" - Shadrach.
• "I killed dad" Carl King
• "It costs a fivah' just to touch that love" - Viv Hope.
• "It weren't on purpose Mr Greengrass" - David from the next village.
• "What's a quote?" - Sam Dingle
• "We're walking in the aiiiiiiiiiiiiir"Belle (end) Dingle
• "Ohhh Matthew, oh yeah Matthew, yeah, yeah..." - Matthew King
• "I'm not funny" - Bob Hope
• "Wassup, niggaz, checka checka ya" - Edna Birch
• "Me and Edna have totally been lezzing each other up." - Betty Eagleton