English major
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The English major is a strange, tempermental creature that resides in the old decrepit buildings of this nation's more liberal centers of higher education. They can frequently be seen at libraries, poetry slams, opium dens, and dressed in hemp underneath that old sycamore tree writing odes to their lost loves. All in all it's a wholly depressing existence, and one that has moved several states to pass laws creating an open season on English majors to relieve them of their inner torments.
The Engish major will more often than not be found wearing loose earth tones and sandals with a pair of nerdy glasses, smoking (tobacco or otherwise), drinking and reading books by authors you've never heard of, like William Blake, Oscar Wilde or Sherlock Holmes. They are one of only three species alive today that can quote Shakespeare, the other two being its more sociable cousin the theatre major, and Ren Faire Pussies, although overlapping between these groups has been known to occur frequently.
Caring for an English major is a daunting task for any first time caretaker. It is recommended that for children under the age of twelve, they are given a puppy or an elephant or some other animal that needs less attention and ego stroking than the common English major. They must be watered several times a day, preferred brands include wine, whiskey, and absinthe. They must also be listened to frequently while they ask you for help on 'what that one right word is. . . It kinda begins with a dis-, like disturbing, but its not that word'. They take their writing very seriously, as they believe it is an extension of their soul.
The religion of the English major can best be described as 'Narcissistic agnosticism'. There is no God save the ones they create, and hey, I know this guy who's been writing some totally amazing free verse poetry on the subject, you should totally come down to Meg's Coffee House this Saturday and hear what he has to say, his metaphors are fucking spot on, guys. They're right on.
Hey, would you happen to have some money I could borrow for gas?
