Englishe

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Englishe - otherwise known as 'British English' or 'Drunken English' - is the pseudo-language used when one's speech is hindered by rampant tooth decay and alcoholism. Though scorned and laughed at by the secluded people of Non-Britain Land, Englishe is the only correct language on the planet, and is accepted as widely as 100 square miles, which is 90 stone castles, 50 farm fields, 30 dugouts, and 5 sheep, in Metric units. Englishe stems from what the outsiders call 'English' - a language named after its inventor: Alfred English, who created the new tongue in 1900 after endless research and laboratory work. The language would have been invaluable to the European population. However, Dr. English was deported to America by the British judicial system after he was caught wearing shorts that extended below his genitals. The British only realized how much they needed English when they no longer had a language that could piss off the French badly enough to keep them at a safe distance.

Lacking the original formula for English, the British tried time after time to reinvent the language, but could only toil up bastardized languages using accents and sounds that resembled the squawks of injured pigeons and the barks of decrepit dogs. Nonetheless, desperate times call for desperate measures and soon enough, the Queen signed the 'Declaraetion of Spaeking Englishe', which declared Englishe the national language, and to this day the British shriek at the very mention of the word 'English', regarding it as a horrible misspelling of the proper term: 'Englishe'.