Enrico Ritzibottom Salazar was Generalissimo of the Nation of Smegma, from 1971 until 1988 when he was overthrown by Eduarino Del Mar, in a failed assassination attempt. He led the Spaghetti Revolution, overthrowing Roberto DeVeva at his birthday party in 1971 and shortly after took the smug title Generalissimo of the Nation of Smegma, ruling the entire island, except for any Big Boy restaurant built in 1981, which was considered U.S. soil. Enrico landed in the United States of America in 1989, and had since been living in his common-law wife's recreation room. He was the author of his three irrelevant autobiographies, Splooge! The Confessions of Cockeyed Sperm-Sponge, Did Someone Say Gorgeous?, The Big Boink, and was rumoured to be working on a book for children, tentatively entitled Do Like This, Slut!.
Salazar was born into a famous Smegmanian family, that of poet Ritzibottom Salazar and his suffragette wife, Wiki Salazar neé Gloop, both whom he would murder before the age of 23. He is said to have been literally born with a knife between his teeth, something not entirely uncommon on the island of Smegma; what is uncommon, however, is the fact that he was born with four kidneys. Enrico has always expressed shame, however, that he was still only born with one bladder. While in the hospital, baby Enrico murdered all the other newborns, which his parents took as a sign that their new son would go into politics.
The Salazar house, in his childhood, was made from Sardine cans, and Enrico has often said he misses the smell of the house in the summer, when it "gave off the sweet aroma of a cheap whore's crotch". At the age of five, Salazar found a black widow in his bedroom, which he secretly kept as a pet for more than a month, feeding it mice, crickets and small birds. His mother soon found the widow living in his bedroom closet, and forced her to move back next door and take care of her children she had neglected since the death of her husband. Enrico never forgave his mother for making him give up Mrs. Ramirez, and it wasn't long after that Enrico murdered his mother with the old "napalm above the door trick".
At age six, Enrico "accidently" got his testicles caught in the jaws of a button remover. He then became "accidently" caught 34 more times.
He showed early interest in a political career when he joined the Ricardo Rat Fan Club at the age of eight, killed the current president, and declared himself Generalissimo. He killed the Treasurer as well, but claimed it was because he wasn't a fan of the television program My Mother The Car. At age twelve, Salazar successfully enlisted in the Smegmanian army as his mustache, body hair, and four tattoos enabled him to be mistaken for his mother, a famous war veteran.
When in high school, Enrico (where his nickname was "Hoover") successfully campaigned for school treasurer, then murdered the president and vice president, named himself president and began to make proclamations, some of which took action nationally, such as his demand that Alfred E Neuman be worshipped as a deity, as well as changing what Science classes taught for the creation of the universe: he demanded that they teach that a goddess once had intestinal cramps all day, grabbed a copy of Mad Magazine, went to the can and squeezed us all out. Enrico called this "Intelligent Design". He took to drinking Riunite on ice at school political meetings, and smoking cheap cigars.
Salazar assassinated his uncle Roberto DeVeva, leader of Smegma at his own twenty-first birthday party for not buying him Roberta Pedon as he had requested. Salazar then named himself Generalissimo, changed the National Anthem of Smegma from "Glori Salazori" to Lydia the Tattooed Lady, all in one day. Salazar's political career was marred by an inability to successfully invade any other country, even Chad. Salazar was routinely criticized for spending more time in the United States of America on game shows, than on his career. His only true success as a world leader was his invention of the pre-filled election ballot.
Enrico was overthrown by Eduarino Del Mar in the Boy-ar-dee Massacre of 1989, in which Del Mar's military junto slaughtered Salazar's political staff while Salazar was in the United States of America participating in an episode of Win, Lose, or Draw with Idi Amin and Ferdinand Marcos. When he returned, he was lured into the basement by the playing of Anne Murray records, then jumped by Del Mar, stabbed fourteen times, shot three times twice of which was in the head, strangled, closed up in a barrel and tossed into the sea. He escaped from the barrel, climbed aboard a tuna boat, and made his way to the United States of America, where he now lives in hiding, and exile.
Salazar has been married five times, two of which were to the same woman. He was widowed five times, two of which were to the same woman, and annulled once. His wives, in chronological order, are:
- Reno Salazar, neé Stitch (1960 – 1965) (deceased)
- Bettina Salazar, neé Squido (September 9, 1966 – 1970) (deceased)
- Diabo Salazar, neé Salazore (April 1, 1970 – April 1, 1977) (deceased)
- Greica Salazar, neé Blitzoo (December 25, 1977 – March 3, 1980) (deceased)
- Charlotte Salazar, neé Rae (June 5, 1978 – September 9, 1979) (annulled)
- Diabo Salazar, neé Salazar (March 3, 1980 – October 18, 1989) (deceased)
Salazar married Reno Stitch when he was eleven years old, and she thirty-four. She was a cell painter at the Ricardo Rat Studios, and Salazar met her when touring the animation studios, as part of his Generalissimo duties from the fan club. His casually suave manner, and body hair enticed the mildly retarded ex-Goodwill employee, and she was soon swept off her feet, much the same way she would be five years later aboard a yacht, when she mysteriously drowned.
Salazar met Bettina Squido when she worked at the first drive-thru Pork Rind restaurant in Smegma, as a wheelchair waitress: handicapped fetishism started in Smegma and paraplegics were considered extremely sexy. Enrico was disappointed to find that she was, in fact, not handicapped, the restaurant was handicapped themed, but by this point Bettina was already pregnant with twins. Enrico conveniently "lost" Bettina in the 1970 Spaghetti Riots, where he also met his third wife.
Salazar met Diabo Salazore in the middle of the 1970 Spaghetti Riots, when she picked up an unbroken Molotov cocktail from Salazar's feet and tossed it back at the Mimes who had thrown it. It was love at first site. Salazar sang "Sleepwalk" to Diabo, and they were married later that night. They each tried to murder the other on their wedding night, a theme which would continue until Enrico seemingly murdered Diabo successfully on April Fool's Day 1977, with an electrified banana cream pie.
Salazar met Greica while she was the stand-in for Sonny Bono on the Sonny & Cher show, which Enrico was a guest on. The two and a half foot tall entertainer had been one of the original Munchkins in the Wizard of Oz, and immediately came to think of Salazar as Oz himself, due to his greenish military uniform. They were married at a screening of I Spit On Your Grave, which is considered a deeply holy film in Salazore. Greica was assassinated by Diabo Salazore, when she returned from the grave in 1980.
Diabo Salazore: Redux
Diabo Salazore returned from the grave in 1980, powered by the success of Joe Piscopo. She murdered Salazar's wife Greica, then forced him to marry her again in a ceremony presided over by Little Richard. GG Allin was Salazar's best man for this ceremony, and Elizabeth Taylor and Andy Kaufman were in attendance. Diabo was murdered by Enrico for her part in the overthrowing of his cabinet in 1989, at a Rick Astley concert in Milwaukee.
In 1974, Salazar began to date American television actor Bea Arthur famous for her liberal character of Maude Finlay; Bea took much heat in Hollywood for this controversial move. The two dated on-again/off-again for years, but finally split for good in 1979. Salazar also dated, and briefly married Facts of Life star, Charlotte Rae, however the marriage was annulled since Salazar was still married to Greica, in Salazore at the time.
Salazar is the father of at least four children, Uvula and Vulva Salazar to Bettina Salazar; Luciana Salazar and Poco Salazar to Diabo Salazar. It is widely believed he has many bastard children around the world. Of note: in Salazorian, the term for bastard child is "Eric Estrada". You do the math...
Salazar had a cameo as himself in the 1981 film Cannonball Run, although his part was much shorter than originally intended due to his violent pulling out of Sammy Davis Jr's glass eye with his thumb during filming. In the final film Salazar is only visible briefly onscreen, almost unrecognizable, in the porno film Jackie Chan watches in his race car.
The Assassination Attempts
Enrico Salazar is constantly evading death and his uncanny ability to thwart killers has resulted his being dubbed both "The Salazoran Charles De Gaulle" and "Sneeky Reeky". Common reasons for wanting to murder Enrico usually involve buggering, poor hygiene and uncomfortable footwear (ala Trotsky) or as a result of Enrico murdering somebody against his/her will. Here are the documented facts concerning Enrico's lucky streak:
- Ritzibottom Salazar: disliked the look of Enrico but couldn't put his finger on why so decided to kill him, collaborating with an obese titmouse named Gustav. Historians believe that Ritzibottom may have overestimated the murderous nature of titmice as Gustav fled to Paraguay shortly afterwards with several wheels of cheese. Years later, Enrico found evidence of the plot to 'mouse' him an decided to have his ace cat paratrooper Senor Weeskers sent into Paraguay to greatly facilitate the killing Gustav. No word has yet been heard from either animal and Paraguayan officals continue in their refusal to divulge the whereabouts of both Gustav Titmouse and Senor Weeskers.
- Lyndon B. Johnson: LBJ awoke one morning after a party chez Enrico with a poor recollection of the previous evening's events along with a unusually sore anus. AS LBJ's member didn't quite have the fragrance of man-love that he would have expected (after his apparent generosity), an air strike was called in stick it to Enrico. However, in a preview of things to come, the USAF destroyed the heavily fortified compound located one country over. LBJ considered this equitable and gave up on his (so-called) insatiable thirst for Enrico's precious fluids.
- Leon Trotsky: Enrico once borrowed swimming trunks from Trotsky and (deliberately) left an indelible stain behind. Trotsky attacked Enrico with a pair of pointy shoes but was denied satisfaction when he lost his footing and fell into Mexico where he was later assassinated by somebody else.
- Fidel Castro : thought an exploding dildo would teach Enrico a valuable life-lesson. Enrico would survive and later describe the experience simply as 'rare'. (Castro is currently holed up in a Havana hospital where he is slowly being enhanced by bionics and cybernetics. -Ed.)
- Che Guevara: jealous of Enrico's curls, he tried to bribe The Old Ones (with the promise of anti-matter) into annihilating Enrico. The Old Ones were totally bored and told Che to meet them in Bolivia. The Old Ones had a sense of humour back then.
- Richard M. Nixon: Nixon was a professional puppeteer (before he became the so-called Devil Incarnate) and at one point during a marathon Twister session in an abandoned mine, Nixon tried to make Enrico eat himself. Needless to say, he was never invited to play again, although Enrico did admit to being in love with danger.
- Timothy Leary: hired by the FBI to infiltrate Smegma and assassinate Enrico. Sent Enrico a cheque that was NSF, hoping it would ruin his credit rating and plunge Enrico into a suicidal despair. Enrico knew something was up and signed the cheque over to an orphanage, a contributing factor in the orphanage's suicide. Enrico then called the Black Panthers and snitched on Leary's whereabouts, after which he placed a collect call to Gore Vidal and expressed all the reasons he thought he should play Myra in the film adaptation of Myra Breckinridge. Vidal declined, but did admit Salazar had an extremely sexy voice.
- Idi Amin: Enrico owed Idi $25 from a late-night game of Go Fish and refused to pay up, reportedly saying "Not even Smegmanian card deck have twenty-three Five of Clubs." before jumping from the moving train the two were on at the time. Idi tried to smother Enrico with a park bench, but gave up after Salazar called Amin a 'fatty'. Amin decided go with it, and rule Uganga with an iron fist while eating people for fun.
- J. Edgar Hoover: trademark infringement resulted in Hoover's attempt to bugger Enrico to death. Hoover would eventually give up and never wore pants never, again; Enrico began to smoke Cuban cigars.
- Bob Barker: Bob Barker, at one time, was a professional carpet warrior out to make a name for himself, by any means required. Armed with a tight roll of shag, he boiled a scheme to assassinate Enrico and replace his underpad, no charge. When Enrico answered his front door, he did not expect a carpet roll but neither did Bob expect lawn darts. They called it a draw.
- Barbra Streisand: upset that Enrico considered 'less than animal' and attempted to drill into his navel with corkscrew. Suffice to say that Enrico was not a gentleman and she leaves discreetly via the door reserved for dwarves.
- Pierre Trudeau: (who knew?)
- Margaret Trudeau: (that's surprising)
- Richard R. Lewis: (really?)
- John Houseman: (if you say so!)
- Jimmy Carter: (figures)
- Slim Whitman: (i can see that)
- E. Howard Hunt : (...)
- Ronald Reagan: (uh huh)
- George Herbert Walker Bush: (c'mon!)
- Saddam Hussein : (ok...)
- John Holmes: (i can imagine)
- Pat Robertson : (tsk, tsk)
- Carol Channing: (her?)
- Osama Bin Laden : (not the way you'd think)
- Rush Limbaugh: (take a wild guess)
- Ted Nugent: (is he still alive?)
- Max Casella: (no!)
- Jeb Bush: (the daughters get involved, you'll see)
- Boris Yeltsin: (involves clear liquids)
- Rachael Ray: (in which a pair of skates and stale popcorn both contribute pathos to an ageless tale)
- Robert Anton Wilson: (more like a misunderstanding, really)
- Anton LaVey: (lust for love, baby!)
- Lawrence Tierney: (if eating can be considered life threatening, here's your man)
- Angie Everheart : (nope)
- Saddam Hussein: (again via hot air balloon)
- Kim Jong-Il: (roneriness can kill you)
- Ann Coulter: (a bitch)
- Bob Denver: (Enrico insisted on calling him "little buddy" whenever they got high together.)
Enrico Salazar Quick Facts
- Enrico now supplements his income by taking wrestling photos of teenaged boys.
- Enrico lives with his common-law wife in a basement apartment, in Toledo Ohio.
- Enrico believes that his goddamn good looks are maintained via a generous application of Crisco to his face, arms, chest, legs and buttocks
- Enrico believes the Universe was burped out from a gigantic oyster 775 years ago.
- Enrico's favorite song is "Linger Ficking Good" by the Revolting Cocks.
- The lullaby he sang to his daughter Uvula Salazar as a child was "Electric Funeral".
- Enrico claims to be soothed by the films of Hershall Gordon Lewis.
- Enrico met his third wife at a screening of I Spit On Your Grave, which was a popular romantic comedy is Smegma.
- Enrico thinks cows plot against mankind, because they are always huddled together. He therefor laughs uproariously when he eats steak.
- Enrico claims he can smell a conspiracy anywhere, even in Tara Reid's pants.
- Enrico has at least fourteen tattoos.
- Enrico married Charlotte Rae in May 1979, but she had the marriage annulled four days later. He already had two other wives at the time.
- Enrico thinks the word clitoris is the name of a rare breed of venomous spider and therefore won't go near them.
- Enrico invented the urinal puck.
- In Swahili, the word "salazar" means absolutely nothing.
- Enrico is fluent in seven languages, two of which actually exist.
- Enrico loves Gary Coleman. Emanuel Lewis, not so much.
- Popular Smegmanian beverage, Isopropyl 70%, is a registered trademark of Enrico Salazar Enterprises. All rights reserved.
- Enrico's favourite song to make "hot monkey love" to is Breezin' by George Benson.
- Enrico's favourite exercise is the "thong lunge".
- The film "Free Willy" is loosely based on Enrico's 1989 arrest for indecent exposure, however, early drafts of the film called for a malnourished guppy (if you catch our meaning).
- Enrico was a founding member of Blue Man Group.
- Enrico shot JR.
Quote about Enrico Salazar
“He's a fan”
- Hair on a G String - Enrico Salazar with the Smegmanian Philharmonic (1974)
- Buddy, Can You Spare a Guido?: Enrico Sings the Blues (1977)
- Stockholm Syndrome - Enrico Salazar with Patty Hearst (featuring the single Master and Servant, later covered by Depeche Mode) (1978)
- You No Send Enrico Flowers Anymore (1978)
- Burn, Baby, Burn: Crisco Inferno (1979)
- Suck On This, Leo Sayer: The Semi-Best of the Generalissimo Enrico Ritzibottom Salazar(1980)
- The Generalissimo and Tennille (1981)
|Generallisimo of the Island Nation of Smegma
Eduarino Del Mar