Environmentalist

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You will not discover a new planet like Earth!

“Reuse, Reduce, and recycle..........Babies.”

~ Jesus on recycling

“Keep a planet alive”

“Their support for our oil industries is tremendous. God Bless them”

~ George W. Bush on environmentalists

The Environmentalist[edit]

After the hippies were killed off during the late 1970's environmentalists first started appearing. Compared to hippies, they are similar in appearance, simply concentrated with enhanced believability and the inability to smoke pot and protect the power core under their suits. One of the main reasons they managed to survive was by befriending the Liberals. Soon Crossbreeds started appearing. Yes, in fact the Hippie Liberal Bastard started to appear. Environmentalists are best described as, "A group of people who like to complain for things that aren't complaining because they like to complain." The natural enemy of an environmentalist is an Engineer, Redneck, or Republican, whom enviromentals don't kill because it would disturb the eco-system. It's highly recommended that if you ever see an environmentalist to kill him/her/it on sight. He/She/It will be very happy as it decrease the world's carbon footprint. You'll never have to do this if you avoid places like Portland, OR, however...

How do you like that, you Tree Hugging Hippy bastard?


There is a sinister sub cult dedicated to the cause of reducing car usage who occasionally spring up at any point - usually just as you are turning a corner without properly looking in your rear wing mirror. The Cyclists are an offshoot cult dedicated to the cause of reducing car usage through a variety of destabilising tactics:

These include

Direct action:Weaving around in the road forcing car drivers to drive dangerously close to cars coming the opposite way.

Distraction: Wearing extremely tight all-body leotards and long pointy hats forcing up coming drivers to stare for a dangerous amount of time at this (deliberately) unusual attire and : laugh/point or laugh/comment 'look at the size of that behind(and/or)silly hat I wouldn't have the nerve would you?' - causing more swerving and further instability and fear for oncoming traffic.


The 'Cyclists' use a set of mantras to further their cause in a public setting - these include:

'You don't own the road you know'.

'Wind your window down, yes thats it, wind it down....you nearly hit me then you bugger - you don't own the road you know'

and

'I don't mind that I may be endangering my own health by driving around in cities breathing in higher level of fumes on a daily basis - when I know I am helping to save the planet - anyway I've got a little mask'.

and

(Said whilst flailing around in the road forcing several cars to swerve at once nearly causing a pile up) 'Fuck off you fucking drivers you have no respect for the other people on the road - you make me...(trails off as they get left behind)....

Their annual meeting 'The Tour d' France' is an opportunity for them to block entire roads from car usage. People also travel from all over the world, booking out the most expensive hotels in order that they may stand at the side of the road and cheer for the four and a half seconds that it takes for the event to drive past. These supporters are known as 'suckers'. We believe that some travel by car for days just to be there.

The best way to exterminate a cyclist is to run them down. To avoid the obvious murder charge:

  • Follow cyclist onto downhill stretch of road.
  • Keep a very close distance to the cyclist.
  • Wait for cyclist to swerve.
  • "Attempt" to brake.
  • "Miss" the brake pedal, and hit the gas.
  • Fake losing control, and aim for the cyclist.
  • Tell cops that he swerved in front of you, you went for the brakes, hit the gas, lost control and accidentally plowed into the cyclist. It's helps to act very distraught to make it convincing, and convincing is what shifts the blame onto the now pancaked cyclist, instead of you. If you want no direct involvement in the crash, or can't handle the certainty of killing anyone, use this alternative (this also works on almost any road):
  • Pull alongside cyclist.
  • Roll down window.
  • Get cyclists attention in any way possible (preferably by shouting "hey, assfuck").
  • One he is focused on you, move your hands in such a way as to simulate turning the wheel to swerve at him (note: DO NOT, under any circumstance, actually grip and turn the wheel. You do not want to end up in whatever the cyclist is now heading for, having acted in reflex to the perceived threat of being run over, and it just proves you are a moron.)
  • Keep driving.

(The latter is also handy for ricers.)

Famous 'Cyclists'[edit]