The equatorial bear (Ursa ecuador) is a terrifying ferocious furry beast with huge slavering fangs and razor-sharp claws, which lives and breeds in the most God-forsaken and wretched parts of the African continent.
Anatomy and Evolution
The anatomy of the equatorial bear is noted for its razor-slavering claws, huge sharp fangs, and the remarkable fact that it is completely two-dimensional. How the equatorial bear managed to evolve into its current flattened form is a complete mystery, but evolutionists like to think that the process may be similar to the well-established evolution of the flounder, and thus is a prime example of convergent evolution.
Range and Habitat
The equatorial bear is native to an infinitely-narrow strip of land which passes through Gabon, the Republic of the Congo, the Peoples Republic of the Congo, Uganda, Kenya, and Somalia, where it uses its huge slavering claws and razor-sharp fangs to scare the living shit out of its prey. It has been inadvertently introduced to Indonesia, Kiribati, Columbia, and Equatorial Ecuador by infested sea-going vessels during the Golden Age of White European Discovery.
Behavior and Reproduction
The equatorial bear never deviates so much as a millimeter north or south of its established environmental niche, lest it die. It feeds on the plentiful flounders of the Congo River, which it catches with its slavering huge fangs and sharp-razor claws. Every year like clockwork, the hermaphroditic equatorial bear mates with itself on March 21, gestates for exactly six months, and then gives birth to live equatorial bear
cubes cubs on September 23.
Discovery and Near-Capture
The equatorial bear was accidentally discovered in 1903 by Pablo Picasso, whilst on a bargain safari deep in the dark
jungles rain forests of deepest darkest Africa. Picasso was shocked, nay, flabbergasted, when he turned around and suddenly saw the ravenous beast staring at him with both eyes on the same side of its pancake-like head, rummaging through his precious paint supplies. The puny artist shot the gigantic bear over and over again with many many bullets, but they had little effect. The enraged bear then chased the helpless Picasso for many miles, biting him with its razor-huge claws and clawing at him with its slavering sharp fangs. It was then that the quick-thinking Picasso remembered that he has a scissors stowed away in the back pocket of his pajamas, so he simply cut the bear into several pieces, stuffed them into an envelope, applied sufficient postage, and snailed mailed the envelope direct to his studio apartment in Spain for future projects. It was then that Picasso realized to his dismay that he wasn't even wearing his pajamas at the time, and so the bear escaped unharmed, due west.