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“The most wonderful acting I have ever seen.”

“A beautiful and captivating piece of art. Will always be remembered.”

~ BBC on Equus

“You have to see this once in your life.”

~ The Tonight Show on Equus

“This is better than anything Rowling came up with.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Daniel Radcliffe's role

“Wow, all of the parts that don't have Daniel's penis in them are actually really play-y and boring...”

~ Teenage girls on parts of Equus that don't have Daniel Radcliffe's penis

Equus is a broadway stage play/opera/musical production in two acts by 20th Century fox starring Daniel Radcliffe in the title role and Bruce Willis as Doc Brown.

The play is most known for it's explicit male nudity and the historical horse and buttplug scene. It played between 1778 - 2069 at the Swedish Royal Opera ONLY (It has been set up in High School plays but all the actors strangely died in fires) and is regarded as one of the most hated and most loved operas through the ages, beating even La Traviflata which is about a whore in the 14th century.


Act I[edit]

Young Equus feels lonely in the world and decides that since his life is already fucked up he can get addicted to meth and he starts seeing crazy shit such as Crispety, Crunchety Butterfinger BB's getting eaten by cologna-drowned chickens.

After a while Equus has a nervous breakdown, so he takes a visit to the local doctor, but when he enters the hospital he gets raped by a clone army of Michael J. Fox's, contracting Equus with Parkinson's disease. The disease enters Equus heart and drains all the amphetamine floating around in his body fluids, expanding his heart to over 9000 acres swallowing Walt Disney World, Rapture and the entire Dead Sea.

Daniel Radcliffe and Bruce Willis in a memorable scene with the Knife of Pan

This is however stopped when a tower of Cinderella's castle pops the heart and leaves Equus body without a blood pump. This leads to the introduction of the doctor (brilliantly played by Bruce Willis) who tells Equus that he has 24 hours to live, minus 23 and a half from inhaling too much Sulfur Hexafluoride gas, sending him on a mission to slice out Snoop Dogg's heart. The doctor hands over the magical Knife of Pan, apparently found in Spain in the silver age. Doc tells Equus the method of slicing out a heart from a black rapper with the knife (with the now famous line "roundhouse, stab, grab") and tosses him out of a window.

Act II[edit]

Equus takes a flight to America where he enters in disguise one of P. Diddy's famous disco parties. He finds Snoop Dogg backstage stealing hashbrownies, and immediately tries to cut his heart out. Snoop is however too fast for him and demands him to do a worthyness test until he can sacrifice his heart, leading up to the most famous scene in the play. He demands that Equus has sex with a horse, using a pink buttplug. Equus accepts the task and Snoop Dogg uses the Knife of Pan to summon a black hung stallion. Equus however does not have any problems with the task and a fifteen minute long sex scene follows, a very shocking move when the play first opened.

Equus get's off the horse and Snoop Dogg lies down on the floor, letting Equus open his chest and grab his heart. Equus immediately inserts the clean heart in his body, which pumps all the amphetamine out of his body. He takes a garden snake and skins it, using the skin as a disguise. He sneaks back to the airport and flies back home.

The doctor waits for him back at the hospital, and Equus returns the invaluable Knife of Pan to him. The doctor then presses a red button on his table, opening a strange door in the wall. Out comes the army of Michael J Fox's and backwards rapes him taking out the parkinson disease virus from his body, eliminating the risk of another heart infection. Equus pops the question to Doc, and they get married. The stage fades to black.


On february 12, 1809, an error in the structure delayed the showings for several months when the roof caved in and trapped several hundreds of people in the audience and Bruce Willis for several days without food or water. In the audience was the newborn ex-president Abraham Lincoln, who was taken to the play by his parents to celebrate their new baby. The baby strangely survived without a bruise.

Reception and criticism[edit]

The play was at first criticised for being too mature and violent, and many magazines were brushing it off as "Another play attempting to shock the audience from 20th Century Fox". It changed in the 60's, when several teenage hippies flooded to the opera packed with various psychedelics to see the play stoned. It was reported that during its peak in 1964, approximately 80 million hippies attempted to book tickets for the play. There were reports of people trying to climb the building to see the opera. There has also been reported that over a thousand hippies died while watching the play from overdosing on various drugs. The play has since then been regarded as a cult classic and sports a 99 % fresh at Rotten Vegetables and a 9.8 at the IPDb.