Eric Clapton
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“If I saw you in heaven... I would apologise, and leave quietly trying not to make too much fuss”
~ God
“He took my wife, but I still love him”
~ George Harrison on Eric Clapton
Eric Clapton was born on 30 March 1945 and was immediately knighted. After first picking up a guitar at the age of two he was made a lifetime pier of the realm, and invited into the House of Lords. As soon as Eric started to write the first few lyrics of "Tears in Heaven" aged four he was contacted by then Prime Minister Clement Attlee who issued the following statement:
| Dear Eric,
This has gone on quite long enough, and to be honest I just feel more than a bit silly sitting here trying to run the country when obviously you should be doing it. I have enclosed the keys to number 10 Downing Street and have myself moved into the dustbin in the garden by way of apology. |
When Eric arrived in downing street he played the two opening bars from "Layla" and instantly unemployment in the United Kingdom dropped to zero percent, poverty completely disappeared, and Status Quo promised not to release any more albums.
Having solved all of Great Britain's problems in five seconds, Eric popped into the office of the United nations where he solved global warming, tempered capitalism, and actually managed to get Maria Carrie to shut up albeit for a short time.
When Eric completed the musical score of "Wonderful Tonight" aged seven he received a challenge from God, who was jealous of his incredible talent, to a guitar battle. Clapton accepted, assuming that the Lord of the Universe would be a suitable challenge. However, God cheated, and instead created Herman Li as an opponent, who could play one billion notes per second. However, because the guitar battle was a live one, rather than a studio recording, Li could instead only play five notes per minute, and when Clapton played his first note, Li wet his pants, and Eric was declared the winner.
After the dominant victory, Clapton received the following telegram from God:
| Dear Eric,
I just can't take it any more. I have been trying to sort out all this shit out for years, and those bastard humans just keep fucking it up no matter who I tell to kill who. I just can't play the guitar as well as you, and so have left the keys to the Pearly gates under the mat. Please try and remember to feed Gandhi, but watch that fat bastard Buddha, he keeps eating all the pies. |
Despite feeling slightly embarrassed about the whole thing, Eric finally agreed to take up his seat as the single omnipotent being of the universe. Everyone enjoyed peace and tranquillity for a short time whilst Eric gently played in the background. Black holes decided to stop sucking and supernova just could not be bothered with all the fuss. Unfortunately order came to an end and the usual chaos returned when the 1990's finished and Eric was forced to spend most of his time trying to stop Prince from making another comeback career.
[edit] Rivals and revelations
- Jimmy Page once tried to assassinate Clapton in his sleep with a razor sharp plectrum. Clapton woke up just in time and managed to hypnotise Jimmy Page by playing Bellbottom blues. Jimmy Page is still under one of Clapton's hypnosis spells to this day.
- Clapton once challenged Chuck Norris to a guitar duel. The duel lasted a year after which Chuck Norris was disqualified for using cheat codes.
- In the apocalypse, every guitarist that ever lived will group together and challenge Clapton to a duel. Clapton has teamed up with Jimi Hendrix and the two have been practicing for the event for some time. Hendrix has admitted that because he is dead he might not be as good a guitarist as he once was. Clapton has taken this into consideration.
- Clapton has even beaten his own guitar in a duel.
