Erin Esurance

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She may look hot, but that's only a disguise for the real evil within...

Erin Esurance (birthdate unknown) is the mascot of an insurance company known as Esurance, and is the leader of their campaign to promote the company through the most aggressive means possible: Either you join Esurance, or you die. While the commercials feature Erin as a happy-go-lucky, adventurous lady who also competes in sporting events, she is in actuality a cold-blooded mass murderer, but only guns for those who refuse Esurance's offers. It has been said that you can see her in the credits of Sanford and Son, disguised as the letter G.

Early Life[edit]

Erin Esurance was born under mysterious circumstances involving six salesmen, twenteen slices of sweet rhubarb pie, and three gallons of toxic syrup. Details on what date she was born is unknown, but it is estimated she may have been born 50 years ago. This has not yet been proven.

The salesmen, of course, were not just ordinary salesmen but they were VAMPIRE PIRATE INSURANCE SALESMEN (also known as Vampiratesalesmen). It is estimated that the DNA of these wicked creatures were inserted into the fetus of a baby to create Erin. She knew nothing of the methods of which she was altered and felt strange, dazed and confused as she grew up later throughout her life. She would work under many jobs, including a burger flipper.

Esurance: The Armageddon[edit]

It wasn't until recently in 2004 that a company known as Esurance would notice her talents while she was working as a police cop. Seeing her extraordinary skills, she was then kidnapped from her home and employed by the group. Forcibly trained to become a deadly spy, Erin would soon be bound to work for Esurance. They also changed her hair to pink for some unfathomable, cruel reason because that's what they all voted on. They used a highly toxic chemical to forever alter her hair, further mentally scarring the already damaged Erin, and ensuring her growing insanity to this day.

Esurance says that someday, Erin will fight global warming alongside Al Gore while donning a sexy negligee and carrying a jar of peanut butter just to arouse the men before she robs them of their insurance money. They believe Al Gore will be wearing a leather French maid outfit and a bondage mask.

The Victims, The Body Count, And So Forth[edit]

To further convince you she's evil, here she is chatting with Tom Cruise.

Today, Erin still works with Esurance. As of late, they have put her through many grueling tests in order to ensure the downfall of other insurance companies, such as fighting robots, engaging in menial sports with giant robots, and running away from ninjas. She is also now ¼ machine, which means she's one quarter machine, ½ vampirate, and all evil, personified in the body of a sexy, freak-haired, female woman girl.

Erin is also currently forced into a very fierce battle between Esurance and GEICO. She denies any rumors of masquerading with a small green gecko, and that she is out for his blood.

There have also been rumors of Erin dating the GEICO caveman but this is also not confirmed. The caveman, when questioned about being involved with the Esurance girl, reacted angrily saying "What, so I'm not 'evolved' enough to be dating a cartoon homo-sapien?!" then rolled his eyes, and shook his head, "Excuse me, I've got a call from my mom, I'll put it on speaker phone," he then said before answering a cell phone.

Other Things to Note[edit]

"They should have invested in Esurance," says Erin, before promptly blowing them away...
  • Erin is said to be the reincarnation of Tony Danza's career.
  • The motorcycle she drives is actually made from the bones of her victims.
  • Have you ever seen the Hulk cry? Erin has. Twice.
  • If you see all of the Esurance commercials, backwards, while tripping on acid, the meaning of life will unfold before your eyes and you will have to kneel down and cry. Results may vary, but you will probably have an epileptic seizure and swallow your own tongue by the time the third car explodes in less than two seconds.
  • She used to be "male" until the old "he" got the perfect (best) sex change operation, or so the rumors say. Esurance continually denies this, and when asked, Erin simply smiles before asking, "Have you invested in Esurance yet?"
  • She killed an entire group of teenagers with the help of a bazooka.
  • When you walk outside and aren't eaten by dinosaurs, you can thank Erin Esurance for their extinction.
  • Erin's blood is comprised of the five following elements, in equal parts: Snake Venom, Mountain Dew, Candy Corn, Nacho Cheese and Fairy Dust.
  • Part of Erin's Nazi Propaganda includes ending Rock N Roll, notably by having shitty bands butcher classic Allman Brothers hits for the purpose of selling auto insurance.

See also[edit]

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Erin Esurance.

External links[edit]