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Eris Nancy Discordia (Born -9900,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000, She never died, they say) was a 'Big Ol' Dyke' deity, and became President of the United States after defeating Cthulhu in a closely fought game of noneuclidian go-moku. She was sometimes known as a Sacred Chao. Her Vice President was J.R. "Bob" Dobbs. She is also widely known for Her authorship of the humorous text, The BibleFNORD, the creation of Golden Delicious apples, and the defeat of the Illuminati in ancient Atlanta. Many statues in the Britains, known as Sheelanagig, depicting a hideous woman pulling open her vagina, are based on the impression Eris left in the minds of the Human Race.
Eris works part time as the Greek Goddess of Confusion and Chaos, or She What Done It All, and part time at a Dairy Queen in Towson, MD. In traditional Greek mythology, she created Forgetfulness, Lies, Quarrels, Fox News, porn, gossip, depression, schizophrenia, hop scotch, and lots of other things the ancient Greeks weren't particularly fond of. The Holy Text Principia Discordia states:
"One day Mal-2 consulted his Liver and asked Eris if she had really created all of those terrible things. She told him that She had always liked the Old Greeks, but that they cannot be trusted with historic matters. 'They were,' She added, 'victims of indigestion, you know.'" However, Eris isn't really malicious and evil, but she tends to be mischievous and at times, a bit bitchy. It was the Goddess Eris who threw the Golden Apple and started that silly little war... you know, the one with the Trojans and such.
Eris is the Primary Deity of the Discordian religion/soccer squad. The Holy Book of Discordianism is the Principia Discordia, or, How I Found Goddess And What I Did To Her When I Found Her. Another common text in the Discordian faith is the Apocrypha Discordia, a collection of Discordian Ponderings and Recipes for Disaster, The Honest Book of Truth, The Myth of Starbuck, The Dishonest Book of Lies, The Inchoate Book of Bad Beginnings (Last Edition), Summa Discordialogica, Principia Harmonia, Discordia Prophetica, The Book of Morons, The Holy Corndog, The Satanic Nurses, The Guinness Book of World Records, The Wise Book Of Baloney, Jonesboria Discordia (which is awesome), Ek-sen-trik-kuh Discordia: The Tales of Shamlicht (an uncommon tome), and, occasionally, The Necrotelecomnicon, 4th Edition (Unabridged and Unabridgeable). Discordians hold all the scriptures of all the other major and minor world religions in extremely high regard — as works of humor.
Discordianism encourages its followers to promote the balance of Order and Chaos in the world, mainly by performing chaotic rituals such as Mindfucks and not washing the dishes too often. The fulcrumonious allies of the Discordian religion include The Church of the SubGenius, the Bavarian Illuminati (sometimes considered an ally or even a Cabal of Discordianism), and all Greyfaces, including "The" and the "They".
The Trojan War is of deep significance to the Discordian religion, and is is often re-enacted through games of Carrion. This game most commonly played by members of the Discordian Historical Society (or DHS) and Discordians engaging in a Grand Pilgrimage during the season of Confusion. Beneclipse the Senior was the original recipient of the game, and it is widely believed that the rules were quoted directly into Ben's ear while engaged in Jihva-bhramanaka with the Lady herself.
Erisian Bioethics: Cloning
She made a great apple pie a long time ago, and the gods themselves had a big argument over who gets the cooking instructions that resulted in the French Tickler Wars, where 23 soldiers hid inside of a whore and stormed the gates of the red light district. After the French Tickler Wars, she was banned from all cooking contests. (citation needed)FNORD(I saw it happen on Iron Chef, hows that for a citation, huh!?)(oh fuck you too) She has also, and without prejudice, written a large and impressive treatise on the subject of polar bears which includes the "Very useful paradox". The previously and indeed currently unexplained phenomena wherein it is impossible to tune a polar bear to anything other than BBC2. Details cannot be found here http://www.junkpile.demon.co.uk/principia.htm
In the beginning, or possibly just before, she acted as midwife at the birth of the universe, when primal chaos and subprime order merged in an orgasm of primary colors. This tryst resulted in the first five humans. These were Adam (the first man), Lilith (the first vampire), Eve (the first woman), Steve (the first fashion designer), and Reverend Loveshade (the first hermaphromorph). This cosmogenical event is known as the Really Big and Thoroughly Satisfying Bang. She then planted the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil with her Golden Apple, and well the rest is history.
Rivals of Eris Discordia
The main competitor of Discordia is Harmonia, also called Concordia. Harmonia developed a secret plot to bankrupt Discordia's Golden Apple Farm. She planned to produce a smaller, possibly more marketable fruit, the grape. According to Harmonia, "My fruit, the grape is smaller than the apple, so you can take more of them with you for a snack. They are purple and purple goes with more things than like gold. I think gold looks kind of tacky, don't you? Yeah, grapes are way cooler than apples."
Harmonia did enjoy some small success with her grapes when it was found that wine could be made from them. Scientists, who happened to be loyal followers of Discordia (i.e. hippies), quickly set to work creating other alcoholic beverages that included the golden apple, such as apple wine, applejack brandy, apple cider (the kind with booze), apple shooters, apple shnaups, apple sauce, and the appletini.
Harmonia tried to win back business by releasing a green grape. Her attempt failed.
Accordia is also a rival of Discordia. She created the accordian. According to the Book of Jeopardy:
- Answer: This is what you call a tone deaf Discordian.
- Question: What is an Accordian?
Eris Quick Facts
- As the next planet after Pluto (ruler of Scorpio), Eris rules Libra, the sign of opposites and indecision. Great U.S. Presidents who have had as many as four planets in Libra include Dwight David Eisenhower, William Jefferson Clinton, and Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin (Владимир Владимирович Путин).
- While Eris was not the most energetic of Goddesses, she was right up there with Ares when it came to pole vault, hoopla and water polo.
- It is commonly held as fact that her secret for pie making is in the use of Golden Delicious apples and fnords; however, new DNA evidence suggests she may have used Braeburn and Rome apples for the period from 1650 to 900 BCE, and then again from 1650 to 2057 CE.
- Eris is a fine looking woman in heels, dang it, thats one fine celestial thing right there.
- Informally Eris is believed to have won the world from God in a poker game.
- Formally, Eris is disbelieved to have won the world from God in a divorce suit.
- Eris is the matron deity of Pulatsovania and failure to hold The Goddess in sublime esteem is grounds for a public pantsing, and free beer for all.
- Eris' actual given name is EIEIO, but her friends call her "Old Dutch".
- Eris once told me in a private conversation, "The crux of the biscuit is apostrophe." Then she turned into a rabid hippo and crushed my banana stand.
- There is always money in the banana stand.
- Fools, this is not the place to discuss the banana stand.
- Eris is responsible for killing Bambi's mother, and leaving Bambi to fend for himself.
- Reponsible for creating Man-Bear-Pig, as a lower god FNORD of picnic basket stealing.
- Eris is the one who invented binary in the dawn of time 01.
- Eris sent Zaurn the Greyface to Earth just to fuck with the Hairless Apes.
- Eris was killed in a bar fight in Medina County, OH during the later part of the 1900's. While she later said that this was a mistake, one of the other victims, Turner D. Century is reported to be rather cross with this decision.
- Since Eris was born, no other woman could keep up with Eris in bed. Just ask Satan, God, Jesus, "Bob", Samuel L. Jackson, Mr. T...
- Aphrodite may have been the Goddess of Beauty, but Eris was the Goddess of FUCKING SEXY.
- In September of 2006, NASA named a planet in honor of Eris, in recognition of the large number of Discordians who work for the space agency, and to show a decent and fitting respect for The Goddess (discord be upon her). In retribution Our Lady put a spell of discord of the kind of edit war, followed by subsequent interlocking on that despiceful place of Wikipedia, where Eris'es greatness is not properly regarded.
- In 2002 she gave Steve Jobs the idea for the iPad, as part of the contract he would soon die of pancreatic cancer. The iPad did not come out until 2010, but in 2005 she gave another person the idea for Android and in 2007 Google bought them out. The Patent Law Suits alone have bankrupted many companies and banned sales of many devices.
- In 2010 she gave Steve Ballmer the idea for Windows 8, that it be based on the AOL for MS-DOS software in 1991. That it only work correctly with Tablets and have problems with Desktop PCs.
- In 2012, she helped Mit Romney win the Republican National Convention on the promise that he would put an Internet filter on every PC to block porn. Unknown to Romney many of his backers surf porn all the time, and Eris was creating a monopoly on porn by funding a Darknet to host it on that gets around the Internet filters.