Escape from New York

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The snake you are looking at may not be plane safe!
If Samuel L. Jackson saw this, claim that he did not look like a bitch. Otherwise, continue to read it until your snake urges are sated.

“I thought he was dead.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Kurt Russel
An actual scene from the movie...
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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article very remotely related to Escape from New York.

Escape From New York is a science fiction/action film widely known as "the most hardcore piece of cinematic history ever produced." It was released in 1981, and it was written and directed by John Carpenter. The very same man that raised Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart from the grave, and forced his decaying corpse to play with synthesizers until it created a library of possible soundtrack material that he could use in his many films. Although to this day, Carpenter denies these claims, and he continues to demands all of the credit. John Carpenter is also responsible for directing the movie Halloween, which he financed with the money he made selling weed to your parents in the 70's.

Plot[edit]

Escape From New York obviously takes place in New York city, in the year 1997, in a dystopian future... (Uhhh, past? Ah well it was the 80's after all...) Okay, fuck it, it's a magical time frame; in which Kurt Russel has to save the President™. Save him from the hands of some really greasy and filthy criminals under the control of Isaac Hayes, also known as "Chef".

Kurt Russel is asked to preform this heroic quest by the evil cowboy from those Sergio Leone films. His only reward for completing this mission is a pardon by the US government, for all the crimes hes been committing. (Like rape and murder, but mostly rape) Although we figure out soon enough that the evil cowboy doesn't actually give a shit about Kurt Russel. Which is okay, because Kurt Russel doesn't give a shit about the President™, the world and or you. So, the only way to make sure that Kurt Russel actually goes looking for the president is to put BOMBS IN HIS NECK that will blow his head off. How this is suppose to motivate someone I don't know, but it sure fucking encouraged Kurt Russel. Because maybe what he hates the most is knowing his head is going to explode.

So anyways... He swoops into New York city on a fucking hand glider dressed up as a pirate with army pants and combat boots. Armed with a friggin Uzi and a Magnum, which are also equipped with scopes, yeah that's right, fucking SCOPES, I shit you not. It's like a god damn telescope, he can't even spy on someone without pointing a gun at them at the same time, he is that awesome. After landing his super stealth Hand Glider, he proceeds by fucking with everyone's shit, and I do mean everyone. By either punching them in the eyes, or shooting them in the knees and testicles.

This is how Kurt Russel negotiates with his friends...

Eventually, by the end of the movie, he ends up fighting against Zangief in a wrestling match. Although Kurt Russel had the advantage, being Kurt Russel and all... And so he fucks up Zangief's shit something fierce right in the face. And everyone is like "Woah!" But then Kurt Russel looks at his state of the art American Eagle Watch and hes all like "Oh fuck I only have like an hour left before my head explodes, I should stop messing around and take this seriously now." So he does, and hes really hurried, but he can't run because someone shot an arrow in his leg. (So it's kind of like trying to escape planet Zebes in Super Metroid when it's self destructing, but you only have a shitty ass busted controller, that your little brother spilled milk on... Only a bit less frustrating and way cooler.)

If that's too complicated for you well then... Go fuck yourself.

Critical Reception[edit]

This movie was so fucking awesome that it gave your sister an abortion©. It's state of the art Vector Graphics® were known to slice up your retinas and cornea like laser beams, permanently damaging your vision. Some believe this damage to be an upgrade, as it makes everything you see look like the visual effects from Tron. Seriously, everyone thought this movie was fucking awesome, except your mom, who said it was too violent. This film even made your grand mother relapse back into a life of sexual promiscuity. Yeah that's right, Kurt Russel was that sexy in 1981.

Although his present whereabouts are currently unknown, some believe that he died in the tragic grease fire of 2002 at a McDonald's in Montreal. Several charred bodies where found, and one paramedic stated "One of them had like... A mullet, but not really." A very clever internet detective quickly identified this body to be the late and great Kurt Russel's.