Eskimos

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“How do Eskimos dress??......."ASAP"”

~ You on Eskimo behaviour

Eskimo is slang for Hyperborean, one of the Eight Races of Homo sapiens.

First Contact[edit]

Hyperborean ("Eskimo") maiden and her faithful husky dog

When European explorers penetrated the high Arctic they found a short, brown-skinned people dressed in sealskin coats and walrus hide ballet slippers, or mukluks. These were the Hyperboreans or, as they came to be known to the slackers on Rue Morgue Avenue, Esquimaux. (During the Spelling Revolution the name was Anglicized to 'Eskimo'.)

The Hyperboreans had no wheeled vehicles, no pockets, and had never invented hats. Nevertheless, the Europeans were amazed by the ingenuity and vitality of these people. With only the intestines of a walrus an Eskimo man was able to make a tuxedo complete with white spats and a cummerbund. Using whale vertebrae the Hyperboreans could make a digital calculator in just fifteen minutes. They were able to navigate by dead reckoning across 1700 kilometers of frozen sea ice in whiteout conditions -- relying only on the feel of ice forming on their nasal hairs -- and then return to their starting point by the next day.

They were an amazing people.

And so the explorers gave them smallpox, and went marvelling back to the fleshpots of Europe. An other slang word for 'Eskimo' is a native bastard.

Contemporary Eskimo[edit]

Eskimos are commonly known as "The People of the "Ice", dwelling within the ice homes (or "aglus") among the icy wastes. In prehistoric times several ice ages forced them to mate with polar bears in order to develop an immunity to the cold weather. Although today all winter they hunt polar bears, seals, walrus, mastodons, sabertoothed terriers, condors, pterodactyls, and each other. In the summer they live on land in huts made of stacked mosquito carcasses and eat caribou organs and Hostess pies.

According to one account, Eskimos became arch-enemies of the Marky people (see Mark). The leader of the Markies, a chubby little Teletubby named Mark, once visited the lands of the Eskimo and sarcastically said "It's really hot here isn't it?". The Eskimo people took huge offense to this, as they take pride in living in the coldest regions in the universe (excepting Mars and Pluto).

The Eskimo people themsleves are very spiritual. Once they die, they become one with the Earth, in that they become a pool of water. Unfortunately when the sun is out, they evaporate, and so they live on the North pole, where it is dark for 6 months of the year but not really. i like eskimos because they are cute and live in igloos.

Myths About Hyperboreans[edit]

  • It is not true that the "Eskimo" have 50 words for snow. They have 25 words for snow, 18 words for ice, 23 words for frostbite, and 31 words for frozen dog shit.
  • It is not true that Hyperboreans use the fat blobs behind a caribou's eyeball to lubricate their parcheesi machines. The truth is, they eat it.
  • It is not true that they invented GoreTex®, Polar Fleece®, or the Aqua-Lung®. They are responsible for the McBlubber® burger, however.
  • It is true that Matthew Donald Phillips, a Eskimo, is now living in a dirty shack on the south side of New Antarctica City. He is responsible for the 7/11 hijackings that attacked on Joe's Crab Shack.
  • It is true, that Eskimos can see infared light

See Also[edit]